8 years ago by
In the things-that-look-super-easy-for-everyone-but-really-aren’t-and-no-one-admits-it category, the approach of summer and its best friend, the beach, always gets me a bit worked up. So many things to prepare, to polish, to be ready for!!!
It’s like all the sudden you have to:
x
Have a wooohoo body! Beachy! At the first sight of a sun ray.
Everyone’s like yesssssss only a few more weeks and summer will be here, can you believe it? Yessss!!! And I’m sitting there with a big smile and my eyes bulging out behind my XL sunglasses like yeeeessss shit I need a tan, I need to lose those pesky five pounds, I need to buy a swimsuit. So tell me, summer people, how do you do it? How are you ready to show off your pre-beachy body at the slightest appearance of the sun?
I need almost the whole month of July (and like half of August) to free the beach goddess hidden within me, in other words, the girl who is totally over being perfect and just wants to jump around in the waves as she should, with her hair sticking up and a crooked bathing suit, not caring about her appearance at all.
x
Learn how to eat a popsicle without it dripping all over my cover up. Are you just supposed to eat it all at once when you get to the end?
x
Nope. No means no. As Anne, who’s been my best friend since I was 14 and saw me grow up and go from guy to guy, from shaved head to long hair, from beer to vodka, from Doc Martens to Manolos, can attest: I can’t stand roasting in the sun.
Because that’s exactly what it feels like to me: cooking like a churro.
I can’t do it. I put on my SPF 50, I sit under an umbrella and never stay longer than five minutes anyway, and that’s how it’s been since 1990.
Even so, people keep telling me, Anne included: Come sit in the sun!!! You need some color!!! And now I’ve got Chris adding to it: Come sit in the sun!!! You need some vitamin D!!! Mmmhmm.
x
Learn to get out of the water with a half-shy, half-triumphant attitude. And with a natural slow motion effect. And let my mane glisten in the sun as I shake out my hair.
To reach that level of confidence, I think I’m going to need a therapist.
To reach that level of synchronization, a choreographer.
To reach that length of hair, two more years.
x
Learn to get out of the water with a half-shy, half-triumphant attitude. And with a natural slow motion effect. And let my mane glisten in the sun as I shake out my hair. ALL WHILE CARRYING A SURFBOARD under my arm like it’s nothing. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m a beginner, but my long board weighs almost 150 pounds. And I drag it behind me like I’m towing a ship.
x
Get used to putting on self-tanner without getting that marbled look.
No, because I’m a sensitive soul. And influenceable. Since I keep hearing I’m pale, I go too far in the other direction. For example, this morning I was at Pilates admiring my own ankles (that’s one of the side effects of exercise, you start to check yourself out and to be like heeeey you) when suddenly I noticed some orangey marbling on my foot. Yuck. Who’s to blame? My vanity that pushed me to believe I could use a “gradual self-tanner” and get amazing results.
Nope. Four years after my first catastrophe, yeah, I relapsed.
My problem? I have way too much confidence in progress. Every year, I think sunless tanners are going to be on top of the latest beauty technology and I’ll be able to apply them by myself without it having to be a scientific procedure. And every year, I end up with that slightly orangey marbled color on my feet.
What about you? Should I try spray tanning or what?
x
Learn to take selfies without losing my dignity.
You know how it is at the beach. The sunscreen fumes get to your head, you go swimming, if you’re lucky enough to be in Mexico, you chug a margarita, you roast in the sun, a sensation of well-being comes over you, and so obviously that’s the moment when you say…
“Selfie!!!”
You get out your phone, and as you’re all blinded by the sunshine, you start snapping happily until finally you check your photos from under the beach umbrella and things get dramatic. You’ve got a crazy margarita smile, your hair is stuck to your head on the sides, and your lousy sexy poses would make you turn red in shame if you weren’t already scarlet from the sunburn you never felt coming on.
x
Learn to do something with my hair.
While my curly-haired friends are already on Pinterest learning different braiding techniques to try to keep a tiny shred of countenance at the beach, I’m over here trying to manage my still-growing-out hair with a hair dryer (anyone want to teach me how to do a blow out?) and every possible kind of hair pin (I’ve got them in every one of my pockets, in all my bags, and I even found some in the stairway to my apartment).
When I should be choosing a good scarf, learning how to tie a magnificent knot in my hair or learning how to do a fishtail braid, so I can then do it at the beach with that expression of: “I’ve been doing this all my life”.
Because that’s what the beach is supposed to be, right? The place where we’re happy, free, wild, and we can finally show off our natural grace.
…Or not.
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Garance
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This made my day. I laughed out loud and just about managed to not spit out my apple… you nailed it. Hilarious and true.
i go some place deserted and enjoy my stay! :)
http://littleaesthete.com/
Haaa vraiment drôle le passage sur l’auto-bronzant ! Je me reconnais parfaitement dans ta description ! Moi aussi la trace sur le pied est apparue ….
Amélie – Charles Ray and Coco
https://charlesrayandcoco.com/
This is hilarious, Garance! I totally feel you on this- I found the gem of self tanners and have been using it for the past year and half it looks super natural, no one ever knows I’m using it unless I’m orange and they just don’t say anything.. but I think my friends would. It’s from The Organic Pharmacy- I have to order it online and it’s expensive but so worth it! Good luck and you’re beautiful either way ;)
Merci Garance… Hilarant et rafraichissant…comme toujours ! Bisous xxx
Là t’as un début de scénario … hilarant … qui jouera ton rôle ? Tu recommences à blinder tes cheveux d’épingles, c’est affreux, laisse les vivre leur vie !
Hilarious! I’m so glad to see I’m not the only one with “summer anxiety”. Don’t get me wrong, I love the natural part of summer: longer days, greenery everywhere, birds singing pre-dawn…..
But the thought of donning a bathing suit, shorts, tanning….yikes…..I love winter. Am a confirmed Winter lover: layers, snow, scarves, snuggling in front of the fireplace, wine in hand……sigh. Only 7 months to go. Enjoy.
Hello Sabine
You made me laugh. I love layers et al also and am not crazy about exposed summer wardrobes. I don’t crave the dead of winter (too cold here sometimes), but shoulder season cool and wearing cozy layers? Now you’re talking. :-)
Aahhh enfin quelqu’un comme moi ! j’ai la peau aussi blanche que celle d’un poulet cru (dixit une excellente – ancienne il va s’en dire – amie) et je bronze mal voire pas voire rouge. Je vois donc la plage plutôt comme une torture où on s’ennuie sec sur sa serviette. Pourtant chaque année j’essaye ! On verra ce que ça donne cette année avec mon énorme bretzel gonflable (héhé) :)
Bisous Garance !
Mido @ http://www.bowsome.com/
Ahahaha, je me retrouve carrément dans cette mini story! Donc je pense qu’on est loin d’être les seules.
Moi aussi j’avais misé tous mes espoirs dans ces fameux laits corps bronzants progressifs jusqu’au jour ou on m’a dit que j’étais un peu orange… Et ces premiers rayons de soleil qui en effet te font regretter de ne pas avoir commencé un des ces fameux programmes sportif il y a 3 mois (ou au moins de l’avoir tenu un peu plus longtemps…)
Bisous !
Il y a longtemps que je n’avais pas cédé aux sirènes de l’autobronzant. Et dans un moment d’égarement, j’en ai acheté cette année. Pas de marbrures, mais un truc à peine visible, pourtant j’en ai mis plein. Ah, mince, c’était un spécial visage! (j’ai pris le petit tube, parce que de toute façon, je finis jamais ces tubes immenses, forcément…)
J’ai testé une fois la douche auto-bronzante (avant de me marier, pour voir). Ça marche très bien, sans démarcation. Mais qu’est-ce que ça sent mauvais! et en plus, ça dure. Le “bronzage”. Et l’odeur aussi. Mon mari m’a dit qu’il me préférait blanche…
Pfff tellement 2015 la plage.
Maintenant l’été on va à la campagne ou mieux on bosse !
Yes! Everyone seems so eager for warm temps, and then it’s over 80 and I am miserable and sweaty. No thank you! I know the saying “summer bodies are made in the winter” but can never quite use it to motivate myself. Maxi dresses and a quick slide into the pool when you remove it, that’s the answer.
Si tu habitais au bord de la mer (ah mais attends tu es corse…?!) peu être que tu te prendrais moins la tête question “corps de plage”.
Moi j’habite sur le cote espagnole, les nanas vont à la plage depuis mars pour bronzer (et avoir froid mais on dirait un concours de qui va être la plus bronzée).
En bonne normande aux yeux bleus, j’ai fini par accepter que advienne que pourra. J’aime le soleil, j’adore ça même (je récupère les 20 premières années de ma vie passées sous la pluie normande) Mais en faisant attention, beaucoup de crème et de petits chapeaux, de trempette. Mais je vais te dire un truc, quand il fait 30º debut juin, les considérations de corps parfaits, on s’en fout parce qu’on a qu’une idée en tête, c’est courir se mouiller…Bon le coup de la slow motion, je pense toujours à Halle Berry qui sort de l’eau dans James Bond, et…Bah non, mais la vraie vie c’est ça aussi ;-)
I’m going out to the beach this weekend, my aunt is away and lending me her beach house on Fire Island (which I think you would love by the way because it’s totally low key and non Hamptons, there’s nothing to buy or cool spots to go be seen, no cars in the village everyone just rides old rusty bikes around on the boardwalks, anyway I digress…)
Because it’s early in the season I guess I can be blindingly white without shame, it’s acceptable in the end of May, less so when it’s mid July and you’re still camouflaged on the sand…
Ditto for not being totally svelte and beach goddessy, I convince myself that it’s swimming in the ocean a bit that will tone me up, never mind that the Atlantic is too cold to get in more than your ankles …
This is soooo good! Well done Garance!
I must say that at 16y old i was like that every summer wanting to be the most gorgeous on the beach..i don’t know if it’s the time that passed or that i just woke up one morning thinking why we the girls are putting so much stress on us to be so “perfect” while the guys out there don’t look like Apolon….
from that time on i feel much more free and i go to the beach to enjoy the water the sounds of the waves…with big sunglasses and a big big hat to protect my skin from the sun….
no stress peace and love…enjoy the summer..
Yael Guetta
http://www.ftwwl.com
Garance, you tell it like it is and you’ve just made my day :)
Plus les années passent, moins on se soucie de tout ça ! Et le corps de l’été se prépare … toute l’année !
et bien me voilà rassurée, si même Garance Doré a ce genre de préoccupations, je décomplexe un peu…je crois que ce qui me pose le plus de problèmes c’est la sortie de l’eau sans penser que tout le monde me regarde (alors que tout le monde s’en fout) et ne pas me sentir comme un cachalot rose. Merci pour ta franchise !!!
j’ai décidé d’accepter que la plage, ce n’était pas mon meilleur moment du point de vue beauté. j’en profite et je m’amuse et je me dis que je suis plus belle dans d’autres situations. les femmes doivent arrêter de souhaiter la perfection dans tout!
jajaja… and what about waxing ? OMG, all that maintenance it takes !!! I would just stay in the water being wild and enjoying myself as supposed to, then wrap myself up in a big sarong or towel (solution for the body), put on big sunglasses (solution for the face) and a big sun hat (solution for the hair) !!! so instead of finding solutions to solve all the problems, I just hide them, lazy but efficient !!! jajaja…
Je t’adore tu me fais toujours rigoler ????
That was so hilarious, Garance. You are so funny and gave me a good laugh this morning!
I’m finally to the stage of not caring about a “beach body.” I don’t go in the sun and wear a long-sleeve rash guard with swim shorts for a fierce vollyball player look rather than pinup girl. More comfortable and you don’t have to get lotion all over. If you just have your legs in the sun, you’ll get your vitamin D dose in 15 minutes.
The secret to self-tanner is lots of moisturizer and moderation. You don’t need to get dark. You just need to not look like aspirin.
As for hair, how about a hat?
Personally, I would have done anything to have curly hair. Like Rachel Ward in Against All Odds.
Unless you are 18 and under the beach is a scary scary place…for so many reasons from sunburn to just plain looking ridiculous. We live in California so every year there is that beach thing…(Most hated? Friends who say “oh lets go walking at the beach!” – Like who needs MORE age spots!?)
Closest I’ve come to coping is a great hat, sarong, pedicure and bitchin’ lipstick/sunglasses. If I can stand my midriff – I go for it…
Keep your skin lovely and stay OUT OF THE SUN!
Ha! Loved this and found it so relateable! I really love the beach – except I hate the beach. I am pale which means I can’t sit and roast in the sun. And, I just don’t feel comfortable (or is it confident?) in a bathing suit. So, I am that pale girl with a cover-up while all the brown beauties roll around in their bathing suits.
But then, I grin to myself thinking they are going to look so much older than I am… ha!
Mouah ah ah ah !!! J’avais du retard … D’où deux fous rires avec les mules et la plage !! Tellement vrai … En pleine forme Garance ! Ah ah j’adore !
I loved to go to the beach but now I am not allowed to sunbathe at all so all the fun is gone.
I have to stay in shade and clothed and I basically only go to the beach for swimming… :(
https://sofaundermapletree.wordpress.com
Lying in the sun on the beach is incredibly boring to me. I don’t mind being in the sun as long as I’m doing something. I want to jet-ski. I want to parasail. I want to go snorkelling and not run into sharks or possibly drown lmao.
http://www.dressupchowdown.com
Great post dear!
______________________
PERSONAL STYLE BLOG
http://evdaily.blogspot.com
Apres les mules (j’en ai essaye une paire recemment et j’ai commence a rire toute seule alors que les gens me regardaient avec un sourire triste……) Voici la plage ! Je me reconnais dans quelques unes de ces situations vecues dans le passe mais depuis que je vis en Floride, j’ai laisse tombe les complexes car ci, tout est permis ! :-)))
I was just sitting here, depressed, thinking about the beach this weekend. You made me laugh, Merci!!!
I am still trying to tie a lovely scarf in my hair to preserve the color and look chic…I bought a great panama style straw hat, thanks working for now.
No tan, no self tanner, no bathing suit, one cover up and SPF 50…no five pounds either and my birthday is Monday so I’m not feeling any more confident, although I have some Rose!
Thank you for this post, I could go on all day about it. Love love love! Thank you for making me laugh.
Avene has a great line of sunscreen. This Works makes a great product for legs that has a touch of shimmer it that makes legs and arms look better. It’s not a tanner. It’s called perfect leg miracle I believe. I get it at Net-A-Porter with the sunscreen. Good luck!
Aaah cette illustration est jolie! Top <3
I used to really care, like- I wanted to be ready with everything the moment the sun came out.The amount of time it use to take me! Now my life speeded up to such an extent that if something is not online or longer then 30 minutes, it’s not going to happen :) I do my own mani using Dior Glow, I use exfoliating socks for pedicure (amazing results) and St Tropez 3 minutes fake tan (the one you do in the shower). It’s quick and foolproof. And the rest I just stopped bothering with :)
Ana
http://www.champagnegirlsabouttown.co.uk
Hello, lovely illustration! which swimsuit is it inspired from please? (brand and model) thank you!
Hi Loulou,
It was inspired by a Lisa Marie Fernandez swimsuit! x Natalie
I laughed loud… and understood completely…
I got pushed into summer two weeks ago (seminar turned into after-seminar early-summer event at the lake), completely unprepared, without being shaved/waxed/pre-taned (I am as white as a bread can be…) or even a decent bikini to wear… I had fun, but damn I felt so embarrassed (& I could not even drink the shame away because I had to go back to ork the next morning)
still~ I’ll try to enjoy the summer days to come
Hahaha comme je me retrouve : moi aussi à la mi-août je commence tout juste à apprécier mon corps pour l’été, je suis blanche comme un c.l donc tout le monde veut me voir bronzer mais c’est que je crame moi ! et à la plage je ressemble à rien, mes cheveux ne sont pas du tout wavy mais gras dégueulasse et ma peau n’en parlons pas bref, l’été j’adore mais je suis pas prêêête ! (Mais je veux qu’il arrive quand même !)
All of a sudden I realized that I’m not ready for the summer :-)
Ah oui, mais c’est pour ça qu’on appelle ça s’entretenir. On le fait un peu tout au long de l’année et on est toujours nickel. Pas de sueur froide comme ça. Là tu te fais subir mentalement l’équivalent du régime -5kg en 3 jours des magazines à l’ancienne.
Du coup je dis que c’est que peut-être tu l’aimes bien comme ça ton corps ? Peut-être non ? Sinon ben tu aurais fait le nécessaire en septembre dernier non ? Le problème c’est peut-être donc plus d’accepter que tu l’aimes comme ça plutôt que de l’accepter lui, si tu vois la subtilité ?
Et pour l’autobronzant progressif, moi je suis une adepte depuis des années et c’est pareil j’en mets un peu toute l’année comme ça je suis pas trop déprimée d’aller à la piscine en janvier :-/ et puis maintenant j’augmente un peu la fréquence mais ça reste léger et surtout je ne choppe pas de cancer !!
If you do a Pinterest board on summer/beach hairstyles for curly hair, I will love you forever….(ah, but I already do!)
My husband and toddlers and I recently got a membership to a gym with POOLS. Multiple pools, with loungers and lifeguards and everything. And in getting my sorry dimpled bum into a bathing suit to attend said pools (which is fun!), I have remembered the classic rule: it’s all about owning it. Just own it. If you’re not perfect, look crazy, whatever whatever whatever, just OWN IT and walk like the world is yours. I’m not a perfect beauty (not even close), but I’ve never noticed that the guys seem to mind!
I’m learning this now (at 39), what feels like very late. But I’m mostly learning because my daughter is watching, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to teach her to apologize for how she looks having fun by the pool/beach/life.
Also, spray tans are the bomb :)
For gradual self tanners, try Winter Skin by Eco Tan. It’s called that because it’s for whiteys like us! It’s a natural product, it builds up really gradually on my white skin, I’ve never had a streaking problem. I also mix a little in to my moisturiser and slap it on my T Zone (face) for a warm glow to my face. I know what you mean about the roasting sensation in the sun – I prefer to stay out of the sun too and I’m familiar with friends commenting that I’m pale and need some sun. But it just feels like not good for me at all to be roasting!
Hahaha, if I start getting stressed about the beach I’m going to go crazy!!!! Being a Greek girl living in Belgium now I’ve lost every vitamin D stock I had in me. And now, come August, I’m back home for holidays and I’m the palest person at the beach…I’m so pale I’m actually hard to look at without sunglasses…and I don’t mind my upper body, what I always dread is my legs!!! I’m gonna soon try another self tanning product, and will again be disappointed, but I just can’t stand their look with a skirt sans tights!!! Omg, now I AM stressed for the beach….
Aliki I sooo feel you girl!!! Being a Greek living in Berlin I have exactly the same problem..when everyone in Greece is
at the SUNGODESS stage in August, I really feel like a fish out of water!!
Hi Garance- about the Maillot…my friend Sarah of Unreasonable Women came up with a revolutionary, custom made line of swimsuits that could change the way we all feel about the beach! http://www.xswimwear.com/
and her impassioned case for women feeling good in their body: https://medium.com/@sarahkrasley/an-open-letter-to-women-8f6fc7d1645a#.d7pg3pnnj
Merci xo
Salut Garance, j’ai un conseil pour l’autobronzant que j’utilise moi aussi car crois-moi, à cote de moi tu es bronzée de nature ;-) !! comme j’avais aussi des marques que je trouve horribles, je melange une noisette de crème hydratante avec une noisette d’autobronzant… en evitant les chevilles et les genoux et ca marche ;-)
bronzage progressif et sans trace !
Bises
Alex de Berlin
Garance , you are the BEST!!!!!!!
Selfies??? I only photograph my feet, or my sunglasses, or the sea. NEVER my face, no way !
Salutations from the Mediterranean sea ;-))
aw, what an amazing story! :):):) thanks a lot for a great mood! <3
Lovely.
Really? All this hype about loving yourself and then being super conscious? Well, I put on my swimming suit and that’s it. It is me and I look like this. And yes, my legs are white in spring – what’ the big deal?
Je me suis éclatée, j’ai trop rigolé!!!
Merci de partager ce post si amusant est certaint pour le 99% des femmes :)
http://www.lacaleya.com
Ah, we are miserable victims of visual marketing strategies of the last 50 years. We’ve learnt to be ashamed of our bodies, and to buy lots of stuff trying too look “appropriate”. Bodypositive movement is still so so far from its goal.
We all want to look good in a bathing suit but this level of self-consciousness is way beyond me. Can’t you just go for a swim?
You know what is sad? ALL WINTER I had this perfect beachbody because of a work-out routine that I amazingly stuck to. But then two months ago I got a knee injury and was not allowed to do any work-out untill the pain was totally gone. That is now! Just before the summer starts! My current ‘beachbody’status: Bye bye build up muscles: hello weak butt and belly fat! You should have seen me in bikini around new years…ARRGGHHH;)
Pfiou ca fait longtemps que j’ai laisse tombe le beach body… J’ai une fille de 1 an, et je serais deja ravie de pouvoir aller enfin a la plage apres 2 ans sans vacances au soleil. Alors je m’en fous d’avoir du bide et d’etre blanche, je vais profiter a fond de ma semaine de vacances debut juillet. Serieux, la vie est trop courte. Le seul truc embetant c’est les gens qui se permettent de faire des commentaires sur ma paleur “oh mais faut mettre de la creme hein” Sans blague, c’est vrai que je n’y aurais pas pense moi-meme… Pour l’autobronzant, j’en mets sur les jambes et pour eviter les marques sur les pieds, j’applique avant de la creme hydratante des chevilles aux pieds, puis l’autobronzant tout de suite apres. Et bien sur, je fais un bon gommage corps avant. En general, ca evite les marques.
This article is so extremely great I don’t think I have related to something more in my life.
T as oublie de parler des poils…. Mais comment font les gens qui ne peuvent pas faire epilation definitive comme moi? Si tu epile a la cire y a la repousse ou fUt attendre que le poil soit assez long, donc aspect moins que parfait…. Sinon tu rases? Et les cuisses aussi?
le pire c’est une étude qui a révélé que ce que font les hommes sur la plage, c’est regarder le corps des femmes. et que font les femmes ? regarder le corps des autres femmes, aussi… arf, on n’est pas rendus.
en tout cas je pensais qu’en ayant grandi “à la mer” on maîtrisait tous les points que tu as évoqué :) je ne sais pas si ça me rassure, haha. bisous from Paris !
I can relate to Taste Of France’s comment about “rather looking like fierce volleyball girl.” I live in a tropical climate and on a city/state/island so it’s summer season all year round and you just need a break from looking tip top shape but.. you can’t.
I wear things on top of my swimsuit, could be sheer long tops, or wrap a scarf around my waist with my bikini top.
Maybe people will think I’m a tart for covering up but I think sexiness comes with self confidence and not having to be self conscious whether something is hanging out.
Plus isn’t the point of going to the beach all about relaxing and having fun? What’s the point of having to stress yourself pre-beach and during?
Was just thinking about this the other day. The beach is supposed to be the epitome of rest and relaxation, but all I can think about is sand in every place imaginable and trying on 2 million swimsuits before finding one I only half enjoy. And the self-tanner ankle issue…how do I make it stop?! Maybe I should just ignore the fact that my thighs shine as bright as the sun all on their own, but can’t a girl get a bit of color without her ankles turning the color of Goldfish crackers?
I giggled the way whole through this article. I can totally relate to all your points! I am Australian and we are all expected to adore the sunshine and be beach ready virtually year round (we have more like 7 months of sunshine/beach weather). Anyway, it always takes me awhile to get into it because I am not what you would call a sun-worshipper (hellooo premature ageing!), but I think the thing Aussie’s have mastered is caring less about looking perfect. Perhaps because the sun isn’t such a novelty here you just can’t be bothered. Or you swim in the comfort of your own pool as opposed to showing off your lazy beach body in public.
Either way, there is no recipe. We all like to look our best afterall. My best tip for self tan – exfoliate daily and moisturise! xx
Garance! You have well and truly hit the nail on the head with this article; you’ve summed up everything I feel about the summer without having realised it myself. I’m so glad to know there are more out there just like me!
I was grinning and laughing reading your very relatable article. Thanks!