The other day, Chris picked up some kind of weird, slightly slimy, flesh-colored thing off the floor. He held it between his fingers and showed it to me with a worried look on his face:
I admit, for two seconds, I wasn’t sure either. Then suddenly I realized what it was and put on my most chill face possible to answer: “Those? Oh, nothing, they’re my nipple covers!” I grabbed them out of his hands, and was reassured when he said: “Oh, well okay!”
Yeah, being a woman is full of weird moments like that.
And in the summer, nipples are actually kind of a whole thing, especially if you’re like me and you love to wear white. I think there are three schools of thought on this, and I believe it often depends on how much cleavage the wearer has to go around. There are:
x The girls who don’t wear a bra or nipple covers or anything at all, actually, and it doesn’t bother them if you can see the color of their areola, if their nipples are pointing out, or if a boob escapes when a breeze comes along: “Oops, sorry, that was my boob!”
A freedom (and sensuality) that I envy, of course.
x The girls who plaster over the problem with a t-shirt bra – a bra made specially to go under white t-shirts, so they’re kind of ugly, flesh-colored and padded, which not only adds volume but also prevents any untimely pointage. You end up with plastic instead of breasts, but at least you don’t have to worry.
x And finally there are those who go the middle route (me) by wearing a sheer bra (my favorite is from Wolford, it’s so good)(but again, not the bra you leave lying around in the bathroom hoping to be sexy) it looks super natural, doesn’t add a huge layer, and leaves your nipple relatively free (free the nipple!!!) – too free actually. Which explains why yes, Chris, sometimes I need a nipple cover. There you have it.
Because if I’m at a business meeting and the AC is on a little too high and I feel my nipples starting to point, it really distracts me. So I have no problem admitting to everyone I wear nipple covers (well, admitting to you guys – I haven’t exactly broached the subject in business meetings).
It brought up a lot of questions for me about being a woman and wanting to absolutely control anything that might show too much femininity, and it almost makes me want to scream when I think about all the things that have been invented to control our bodies so nothing sweats and nothing goes outside the lines, to make us look like dolls.
Whether it’s Spanx (I’ve got tons of them, just like any woman who has to wear dresses and have her photo taken from time to time) to keep our stomachs in and lift our butts, weirdly shaped bras (like those things you stick to the sides of your boobs)(I don’t have any, but sometimes I think I might like them) that make everyone think our breasts are naturally pushed together, shoes with dizzyingly tall heels (to make people think we have legs), deodorants that keep you from sweating (to make people think we’re robots) and botox (to make people think absolutely nothing upsets us EVER).
And after that, of course, there’s the next level – everything Kim Kardashian does to look photoshopped before she’s even photoshopped, like using pounds of tape to stick her breasts in place under her dresses (and then she shows it on Instagram, how can you not love her just for that, seriously!?) taking fat from her stomach to put on her butt (who came up with that fantastic idea!), using tape hidden under her hair to keep her eyebrows up, contouring her face, and I don’t even know, I don’t follow all the Kardashian news, but every time I venture into that world, I learn tons about the art of being an Instagram woman (perfect woman, perfect life, perfect friends, eternal duck face).
All those somewhat embarrassing things we do as women that we prefer not to share with the rest of the world.
It makes me mad for two minutes, and then I think of Jon Hamm.
Jon Hamm decided not to wear underwear one day and has been called “the ham” ever since. I have no idea if it bothers him or if he thinks it’s funny, so I hope he won’t be mad at me for mentioning it, since I was thinking of inviting him on my podcast. Hmmm, I’m probably shooting myself in the foot.
And it makes me think of all men and their thing that’s pretty much impossible to hide.
Have you ever seen the half-relaxed half-worried face of a man who is about to get a massage? No? Well make sure to pay attention next time.
Men don’t talk about it as much as we do, but they too have uncontrollable things to control.
Yeah, so when I think of that, bam! (Hamm! Haha)
I stop complaining.
So can you give me my nipple covers back, babe?
I’ll let you borrow them whenever you want.
Translated by Andrea Perdue