DORÉ

As a lover of love, I have about a million questions on the subject, and since it’s Valentine’s Day this weekend I decided to distill them down and take them to a love expert. After over ten years in the business of love, Amy Laurent is one of the most successful matchmakers in the States. She’s all about cultivating genuine love with a work hard and don’t settle approach. I learned so much from her, and hope you do too!

Wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day from all of us at the studio! Now, over to Amy…

Matchmaking is a niche career path! Has it always been innate for you, or did you fall in love with love?

It was innate because I’ve always been somewhat of a connector. So it’s not the story of – when I was in kindergarten I put together a couple that are now married – the whole cliché, that’s not it. It happened more accidentally, but there are no accidents. My whole life I’ve been inquisitive about really understanding people and what makes people tick. And I have always loved connecting people: whether it be friends, networking for jobs, or for love. It’s these elements that somewhat led me to fall into this career.

What do you think are the ingredients to a successful relationship?

Working with men and women day in and day out for eleven years now (January 5th was my eleven year anniversary) you get to see a lot… You see the mistakes and the things that people do right. You see the formulas that make a relationship succeed or end. I would say the number one thing is communication. If you are with someone who isn’t a good communicator, more often than not you see the death of that relationship.

It’s very important for people to actually listen to their partner. People often think that they are listening and – you know what – they’re really not! To truly listen, we must consider: Ok, I may not agree with this right now, but let me truly take it in. That is so key.

Is there a type of person that’s the hardest to match?

Oh, yes. There are several key challenges with certain personalities. This industry brings a plethora of different types of people with different types of personalities, and we all have our own obstacles. My job isn’t about working with the easiest, and or “perfect” client who has no issues or no personality quirks. That is why I love my job. The biggest challenge for me are people with a fear of rejection. It’s hard for them (it’s hard for anybody!) to take criticism, but it’s something we learn over time. It takes a very confident and brave person to say: you know what, I want to hear this.

Then there are the overly analytical types. I have had clients that are in the top of their industry, extremely established, and it’s a very tricky thing to help them overcome a tendency that works extremely well in their business. You have to approach it in a very thoughtful way if you’re going to get someone to respond well.

And then, of course, we all know people who say they want to be in a relationship. They’ll tell you – I’m ready, I’m ready for love, I want it – then you start working with them and realize they’re complete commitment-phoebes! People that want a relationship but they’re actually fearful of getting close with one particular person because they haven’t in so long. They’ve just “dated” to make themselves pat themselves on the back and say: I’m doing it, I’m dating. Anyone can go out on a first date – good for you, that’s fantastic – but you know what I want to see? I want to see you connect with someone, be vulnerable with someone, and be brave enough to get to a fourth and fifth date. Let’s see that. Then I’m going to be really impressed!

So, have you ever been asked the impossible by a client?

Yes. And I’ve done a pretty good job over the years of noticing this before I decide to work with someone. I’ve had people come in with unbelievably long and restrictive laundry lists. Again, these things might work in business but, let me ask you: if you find your soulmate, will you really care if they are two inches shorter than what you wrote on paper? Or if they don’t have blue eyes? I can work with restrictive laundry lists to a point, but let’s get real and find out what your actual deal breakers are. You have to get realistic.

For those looking for love, what’s the ultimate piece of advice you have?

For people who are looking for love, my main advice is: don’t approach dating focused on your loneliness or your desire to be in a relationship. The number one mistake people who are looking for genuine lasting love make is in their pacing. People have to sharpen their skills of how to screen. Meaning, how to be open, how to get to know someone, and how to not jump to decisions too early on. You have to get to know this person: do they have the same values, the same goals, are they going to be a good fit as far as communication, how do they talk about their exes, are they in a good place to even be open…?

We forget about all this screening because, early on, we focus on what feels good and we want things to work, so we skip that screening part. Avoid wasting time and heartbreak over things that in the beginning were clearly not going to work out.

Are you in a relationship? And do you date by the professional codes that you have established for your business?

Well, that’s an interesting question… I’ve recently come out of a relationship. And, what was really interesting was going through my own breakup is that, for some reason, at the end of this summer so many relationships broke up at the same time. I’ve had clients calling me. I’ve had girlfriends calling me. I even had a woman at the gym that is a casual acquaintance reach out to me for advice. I was probably on the phone several hours a day talking to various people over their breakup, giving them advice on how to get through the breakup because it was really tough for some people.

One thing I cannot stand about “dating experts” or “matchmaking experts,” and I think why clients like me and choose to work with me and trust my advice, is that I’m smart enough to know that just because you’re the expert does not make you perfect. Any expert out there that will tell you that! I’m going to give you all the advice I have, and that’s my pride and joy, but I have to admit when it’s much easier for me to do that and think clearly for someone who’s clouded in a situation than going through my own breakup. Of course it is tough when it’s you that’s involved. So, I almost have to chuckle at myself during my own heartbreak. I thought, “my god, I need someone to be telling me this right now, because this feels horrible.”

So what are your thoughts on dating apps?

I’m not someone who is negative or dismissive of people using dating apps. First of all, not everyone can afford a personal matchmaker. And there are plenty of people who have found successful relationships from them. What you get from it is what you put into them, and how smart you are in your approach. Use the apps in the right way and you avoid a lot of wasted time. If you want to be serious, focus on the quality.

And do you believe in monogamy for life?

Well, to blanket everyone under one umbrella, I would never do. I’m smart enough to know that there are no absolutes and there are people in life, that clearly it’s not for them. And many couples are okay with that.

People mistake “soulmate” and “life partner” because they get blinded by the sexual bond, blinded by the sexual chemistry. People forget to keep in mind that looks fade. I always tell people that even Brad Pitt rolls over some days and sees Angelina, and he’s over it! So there has to be SO much more going on.

I do believe in monogamy. I do support it. But, at the same time, both of the people have to be truly in it. It’s tough! Things get tough! And it’s not just the men who get tired of it, it’s the women too. It’s human nature. Things aren’t going to be exciting all the time, so as long as people are not delusional about it…

Finally, what’s the greatest lesson of love you’ve learned along the way?

The biggest lesson has been compromise. And compromise for fighting for those things that are worth it. To be selfless because you love a person, even if loving them means breaking up with them – that’s genuine love.

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Favorite ever love quote: “If a thing loves, it is infinite.” – William Blake … swoon!