Hayley Quinn: Escaping Expectations
4 years ago by
I first came across dating expert and coach, Hayley Quinn, in her Ted Talk, “Searching for love to escape ourselves” and knew immediately she had a unique perspective and approach to the world of dating. Based in the UK, Hayley used her own romantic experiences and what she learned as a ghostwriter in the not so appealing, underground community of pick up artists, to inform the approach to dating she created and teaches today.
I loved Hayley’s Ted Talk so much that I thought it was important to have a conversation with her. Hayley is not only raw and real when it comes to talking about relationships, she also has an interesting, fun, and very informed point of view. She is a dating coach, after all – and believe me, sometimes I think we should all have one! I hope you enjoy this conversation!
[podcast_episode episode=”278818″ ]
On modern dating culture…
I think our modern day dating today is very individualistic. In the past we had a very set idea of how a relationship is going to progress. Now people want different things and there are many different forms of relationships and people may not even be self-aware of what they want and what their intentions are. I think you really just have to not try to fit in and stick to what your idea of happiness is.
On her approach to coaching…
I took the training model I learned from the world of pickup artists and re-spun it and de-slimed it and now I teach this very practical approach. I think you sometimes need tools and those tools help you facilitate you seeing the world in a different way.
On knowing yourself best…
No one knows you and your situation as well as you do. For a lot of woman, the best change you can make is instead of saying, “what’s he thinking or what would she like me to text or is he going to get back to me” – putting all of those questions outside of yourself and think, “well am I happy with the level of communication or have I got something I want to say, etc.” Especially when you first meet someone, you are in the unknown and you have no idea what’s going on with them, but you can identify your own feelings.
On the early stages of dating…
Try to separate out what your expectations and your assumptions are versus what is actually happening. Sometimes it’s good to remind yourself, hang on, I’ve known this person for three dates or ten hours, and you’re not telepathic so you don’t know what’s going to happen and accept that you’re in the unknown and uncertain.
On sleeping with someone early on…
It’s not a big deal but it is a big deal. It provides a lens through which we interpret things. If the person then disappears, you might think “it’s because I had sex with them so early,” but that rationale could not be correct and it could just be they were always going to disappear and maybe they just did it two dates earlier than they would have otherwise.
Likewise, if it’s an act that becomes meaningful for you or you’re doing it because there’s an expectation or because you don’t want to have a relationship, I’d think about what you’re putting into it because often the rationale it leaves you with colors how you see the actions from the other person. So if you’re going to do it, do it without expectation.
On cultivating self-love…
I think dealing with yourself and cultivating self-love at that point in time is really a fundamental part of moving towards different experiences with other people and love.
On embracing the emptiness…
Instead of seeing nothing going on as a negative, just embrace the emptiness. The confrontation you have with yourself when you don’t have a romantic distraction is profound.
On advice to her 20 year old self…
I’ve got a whole book’s worth advice, but I wish I’d said no more often and spent more time with myself.
“To thine own self be true”
Special thanks to Smile Radio for letting us use their rad studio. Be sure to check out Hayley’s TED talk and for regular updates on what Hayley is up to, be sure to check her out here and here!
Dear Garance, thanks you so much for this Episode. I’ve been a loyal listener of PMF for many years, the long and the short version. I recently listened to an Episode you did with with Esther Perel about two years ago and I was wondering if Co- Parenting, or women having children on their own, wouldn’t be a subject for a Pardon my French Episode? Here in Germany the subject or the model of Co-Parenting or getting a sperm donor-does not seem to be so popular yet, so I´d find it super exciting to hear voices of women who have done “it”.
Thank you so much for always being a source of inspiration in my life!