7 years ago by
Where did my summer go? No idea. I’m writing to you from my studio in LA, and this is my first time starting a new work year as a resident of the West Coast, and all I know is, a lot of things have changed.
And since I haven’t written here in ages (I hope you’ll forgive me – explanation below) I figured a little summer recap would be a good idea.
So, in no particular order, here we go.
1. My Lenny Letter…
I don’t know if you saw, but this summer, I wrote a Lenny Letter telling my story about my fertility problems. I hadn’t ever talked about it publicly before.
It was much too painful for me to discuss here in a self-deprecating, humorous way. For me, last year felt broken. There were lots of tears, and I didn’t know how to share what I was going through. Once I started to feel better again and ready to talk, I needed a filter for my writing, because my emotions were really going all over the place.
That’s why I chose Lenny.
The response was incredible. I received thousands of messages. People asked me to write books. The article is going to be republished in several languages. Even though I know most of my friends go through very painful moments as mothers – or not being mothers – I hadn’t realized how important it was to open up on the subject and how many women suffer, often in silence, not even opening up to their closest friends about it.
I received letters that are so important to share, I’m going to publish a few of them here (in some cases, they’ll be anonymous). If you have a story to share, don’t hesitate to reach out.
2. And me.
And now I’m doing a lot better. When you go through difficult times, especially as a couple, that’s when you finally realize how magical life is.
You learn to live in the present moment, to not be so attached to results, and you figure out what you really want, what your deepest desires are.
When Chris and I decided to stop fertility treatments, we made a real choice. We reimagined a happy life without children, and that started to open up a whole new range of possibilities, a different life, just as rich, just as colorful.
We’re more light-hearted, more united, and happier than ever. I’ll tell you more about that soon, obviously, because this story changed me deeply. But most of all, I just wanted to tell you I’m okay, and feeling better than I have in years!
3. My summer.
This was my first summer in LA, in my new house, where we’re still pretty much in camping mode, actually, having visitors all the time, and living a completely, absolutely different life, and it feels good. My sister, her husband and kids came to visit for almost the whole month of July, then I went to New York to work for a week, then Delphine came to visit for a few days, and then Chris and I left for Hawaii.
As you can imagine, when I arrived in Hawaii, I basically crashed from exhaustion. I went over to my friend Jennifer’s house, I gave her a hug and immediately said: “Do you mind if I go take a nap?” After sleeping the whole rest of the day and night, I finally started getting my energy back.
Time with friends, swimming in the ocean, spending quality time with my guy who hardly saw me all summer (well, after the traditional vacation argument, unfortunately. When Chris and I go on vacation, the first few days are super tense, then we argue, then it’s all love. Ridiculous, but that’s just how it is.) – Hawaii has an amazing spiritual side to it, sort of like a washing machine for your feelings and emotions.
If you resist the emotional waves that come at you when you arrive on the island, the vibe can be a little aggressive. But if you let yourself be carried away by the movement, and let yourself fully experience the strong emotions the island inspires, you come out emotionally clean, feeling like a shiny new penny.
Yes, I know, it sounds crazy when I put it that way, but Hawaii is apparently an energy vortex and let me remind you I’m living in LA now and there’s no sarcasm left standing between me and my taste for new age theories.
Jen and I took advantage of the eclipse to say goodbye to things that were no longer serving us, and to set intentions for the coming year. I came home feeling recharged, positive, full of ideas, profoundly motivated and happy.
3. Why haven’t I written on Atelier Doré for so long?
Quite simply because I needed a break. It might sound weird to you, but it was really difficult for me to spend this year not sharing with you. It was basically impossible, too painful, especially when I got comments like…
“Now all you need to be happy is a baby!!!”
I was like, arrrrgh, if only I could explain why everything about that sentence is wrong – even though I know it came from the heart and with good intentions!
It was hard because I’m a very honest person, deep down. I’m a Taurus, like Jon Snow, basically. Honest to the point of being stupid about it. I wasn’t really armed to talk about my misfortune, and I wasn’t detached enough to pretend everything was fine.
My sense of humor took a turn for the worse. I also realized (and I know this is a lot at once, but I should definitely get it out) during my last two years in New York, I probably had depression.
I alluded to it every once in a while, but now that I have a little bit of distance, I realize my life was really not even close to fitting my ideals back then. I wrote an article for InStyle magazine, actually, about the difficult choice I made to stop going to fashion shows. I’ll tell you more about that soon.
So when that gap between my real life and my “public” life happens, it’s kind of suffocating. The energy it takes to maintain that distance eats up all my creativity.
But I have an incredible team who totally supports me. So in moments like that, I’ve decided not to force it, and I just wait for my energy to come back. And now I have billions of ideas and thousands of topics, so just tell me to shut up when you get tired of it, okay?
4. The weather has changed, the flowers have faded, that was then, this is now…
So this summer I’m turning the page.
A lot of things have changed around me, and most of all within me. I decided not to be shy anymore, and I’ll share my new interests with you through my writing, either here or in the newsletter. And on my podcast too. These new interests are both as profound and as light-hearted as my previous ones, they’re just different.
They are still and will always be at the heart of Atelier Doré, which is the company I created and love deeply. We will keep talking about style and women and our dreams and battles, and how we overcome challenges with passion and humor. And we will keep bringing you our ideas and thoughts, and more than ever, we want to get closer to you and keep the conversation going.
We’re going to be organizing more and more meet-ups, we just moved into a new, bigger studio, and that will make it possible for us to have you over. Our trips will also be an opportunity to meet you. Same with our retreats (Our retreat in Morocco sold out in two days, and our guests are all super fascinating!) so don’t hesitate to send us ideas, express yourself, and get involved.
——————
So there you go, that’s a very short summary of my summer. I mentioned so many things, so don’t hesitate to tell me if there are certain things you’d like to hear more about. There are several topics here I’d like to expand on.
In the meantime, I’m super happy and thrilled to be writing to you again! Big kisses!
Translated by Andrea Perdue
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L’illustration est superbe – tu dis déjà beaucoup sur ton état d’esprit avec ces couleurs :)
Merci beaucoup :)
While I have really missed your voice from the site…I totally understand the need to take breaks, heal, recharge, etc…Thanks for checking in and sharing your world with us. I’m excited for the new age vibes!
Thank you! It’s always a tough decision to take a step back, but soooo important sometimes!
Reading this with tears in my eyes. I went thru it all. Surgeries, fertility drugs, miscarriages, doctors… it consumed my life for years. And then at some point I just decided I had enough. I suggested to my husband that we should look into adoption. He said that ultimately it was my decision because I was the one who had to endure all the medical intervention.
Fast forward to the present. I have 2 amazing, fabulous sons, age 24 and 27. They are my sons; they are not my adopted sons; they are my sons who just happened to have been adopted.
Oh, BTW, the older one is at university in LA and the younger one goes to the University of Hawaii. Small world.
Dear Susan, first, want to send you so much love. Going through these types of things made me feel even closer to women. I really feel like we’re all sisters. I’ve thought about adoption, of course. Might happen, might not. It’s funny to say, but I’m happy not knowing anything right now, such contrast from last year when I wanted to be sure of everything…!!! Congrats on your children and choosing your own way.
I wanted to say thank you for your piece on Lenny I’m sure it was a hard thing to write. It helped me to open up to others about the struggle with IVF and age etc. Thank you! ?? xoxo Cat
( I would love to see more homes and interiors )
Hi Cat! Thank you! Yes, as I start working on my house (and not camping) You will see more inspirations and works in progress!!!
Oh Garance, cette lettre Lenny, quel texte important!
Et pas seulement pour les femmes qui veulent avoir des enfants mais ne peuvent en avoir (pour 1000 causes et raisons), mais aussi pour celles qui n’en veulent pas.
Je remercie mon entourage de nous avoir plutôt fichu la paix à mon amoureux et moi quand nous avons dit que nous n’en voulions pas. Certains se sont autorisés à nous challenger, à poser des questions un peu déplacées, mais la grande majorité nous a dit que nous avions l’air très très heureux dans notre vie et que c’était la seule chose qui comptait.
Ce que Chris t’a dit juste avant que vous ne décidiez de tout arrêter est ce que m’a dit mon amoureux quand je lui ai dit que je ne voulais pas d’enfants. Et cela m’a remis les larmes aux yeux. Tant d’amour, que c’est beau.
Moi j’adore les couples d’amoureux qui décident de n’être que ça, une famille d’amoureux. Sans doute mon côté romantique ;-)
Alors soyez heureux, sois heureuse, inventez votre bonheur, et oui, s’il te plait, continue à partager ce qui t’arrive et ce que tes lecteurs et lectrices te partagent, cela nous fait du bien à tous.
Je t’envoie plein de bisous parisien.
Miss Nahn d’abord un salut special à toi, si longtemps qu’on se parle par internet, non?
Je suis tellement contente d’entendre ca, et c’est marrant parce que j’ai un post la dessus (le désir de ne pas avoir d’enfants) qui sort dans pas longtemps. J’ai plusieurs amies qui ont fait ce choix – avec qui j’en parle souvent, et ce n’est vraiment pas tous les jours facile. Je te félicite pour ton courage et te souhaite des années de bonheur amoureux!
Même choix de vie de mon coté avec mon amoureux, et finalement les gens s’y font .. ou pas ! mais peu importe à partir du moment où nous sommes en phase avec nous même :-)
oh Garance! qu’il est bon de te lire! j’ai été bouleversée par la lecture de ta lenny letter (qui m’a fait réalisé bcp de choses).
j’ai eu une année difficile et te voir évoluer avec positivité m’inspire sincèrement.
je te souhaite le meilleur.
Merci Camilla ??
Chère Garance
Vous êtes une belle personne.
Ayant connu cette expérience douloureuse il y a 10 ans, je profite de tous les instants avec mon mari, et compte bien encore le faire au cours des 40 prochaines années. Je vous embrasse. Elisa de Paris
Ce sont des témoignages comme celui ci qui m’ont énormément aidée. Alors merci!!!
J’avais lu ta Lenny Letter et cherchais par tous les moyens de t’écrire un mot personnel, ailleurs que le blog, mais on ne rejoint pas ses idoles aussi facilement.
Sincèrement Garance, une chose: je suis très très heureuse de te retrouver.
Ton équipe est, en effet formidable. Je m’attache rapidement à elles, je vis à travers ce qu’elles écrivent, car on y retrouve quand même un peu de toi. Mais un peu. Et j’avais hâte de te relire, ta franchise, tes mots, tes aventures.
Comme on dit quand on laisse ses ami.e.s après une longue soirée de confidence: “rentres bien!”
Merci!
Garance, lorsque j’ai vu ton illustration apparaitre sur mon écran, elle m’a agréablement surprise, je trouve que l’utilisation des couleurs est bien différente de ce que je vois habituellement sur ton blogue. Je trouve que le rendu est magnifique!!! Je te souhaite une très belle fin d’été!
How nice it is to read a piece by you. You ask readers to suggest topics but I find that it is your voice and funny, heartfelt take on things rather than the specific topic that I find so interesting. So much in fashion–and the internet and business and pop culture–is based on hype, but from the start you have wrestled with that, always looking to be your honest self while you immerse yourself in that alluring, fascinating world. Maybe that’s the topic I am suggesting!
Good one!
I agree, I look forward to what’s coming, I’m 45 this year and maybe it’s life stages but I always feel better reading your articles know we all have issues to deal with but to see the bright side as Oprah said once remember to say thank you because you will come out the other side.
We love you, Garance Doré. :) I missed your Lenny Letter but sensed something was really up. I’m so sorry but really glad you’ve been taking care of yourself and are coming out into the sun again to be with us. Congratulations on the retreat in Morocco! I can’t be there in person so I’ll tell you here that you inspire us through your creativity made unique with your honest and generous heart whether it be in tears or laughter – with what you share and invite us to share. <3
really looking forward to these changes – more ideas is always good.
Tout d’abord, l’illustration est superbe!
Ensuite, cette Lenny Letter était très bien, très juste, touchante sans être excessive. Et le sujet traité est tellement important…
Donc, Garance, toujours un plaisir de te lire et toujours un plaisir de découvrir la nouvelle toi, celle qui mue et se redécouvrir sans cesse. Rien ne semble de trop dans ce post, vive les énergies, la vie hippy et LA!
Dear Garance,
Once again, we are so similar…I am also going through fertility problems and these last 2 years have been very painful for me. I’ve been thinking about stopping the treatments and letting it go. It’s very demanding at an emotional level.
I will go for a last shot soon. If it works, great. If not, I will let it go. There’s a rich and fulfilling life to live ahead of us and maternity/paternity is not mandatory to be happy and fulfilled. Not at all.
Happy to read you again.
Super hug.
Dear Ana, sending you all my courage and hope for the next try. Also, not of your decisions have to be definitive. I’m personally taking a break for now, and I’m happy about it. Maybe I’ll want to start again at some point. I’m just staying open. Big love!
Oh Garance quelle histoire ! Je ne peux imaginer la frustration que tu as traversé. J’ai lu ton périple sur Lenny et tes conclusions sont empreintes d’une grande sagesse, je me souviens de “Life is unfair but existence is magic !” Yes !
C’est un sujet si intime. Si tu crois à l’astro, c’était le plus mauvais moment pour féconder avec ta Lune Capricorne. Tous ces enfants devront être des “spiritual warrior” pour survivre ! L’amour se donne de mille façons, Chris avec sa musique, offre des moments inouïs aux gens, toi à ta façon en partageant et en étant un rôle model. Profitez de votre liberté, de votre créativité !
Ton dessin est magnifique.
Aaaaaah merci. Un commentaire venant de toi me touche toujours si particulièrement. J’aime bcp cette référence à l’astrologie, je ne savais rien de tout ça!!! Je t’embrasse bien fort!
Je viens d’ouvrir le blog et surprise ! Je decouvre un tres beau dessin et je souris d’aise parce que je sais que Chere Garance, vous avez ecrit un billet !
Vous m’avez beaucoup manqué, (rien contre le studio qui fait du tres beau travail mais…..) je suis tellement contente de vous lire et surtout j’aime le ton de ce texte. Je comprends si bien ce que vous ecrivez et les sentiments que vous decrivez en suivant ce chemin de la vie qui est tortueux, surprenant, douloureux, revelateur et merveilleux quand on a la chance d’avoir un grand amour a ses cotes.
Je suis une fan de la premiere heure et me permets de vous souhaiter une super belle vie qui a encore tant a vous offrir.
Un million de mercis!
Hi Garance, I did read your Lenny letter and was deeply touched and glad to hear you are OK. I can assure you that life without children can also be wonderful. My husband and I have been together > 15 years and married 12 and we also thought we would have kids in the beginning. But sometimes you never know what life brings. I have a feeling we will have a chance to talk more in Morocco. I am soooo looking forward to it! Big hugs to you!
Yay!!! Can’t wait to meet and chat about all that :)))
I read your Lenny letter when it landed in my inbox, and I thought it was brave, beautifully written and reflected the stories of so many women, everywhere (including me). It’s a story that needs to be told on behalf of the increasing numbers of women who may not have children, for whatever reason, now and in the future. Every time I see a comment on your blog that says something along the lines of ‘Now all you need now is a baby!’, I have cringed on your behalf. Anyway, I’m sure your future adventures will be amazing, and I look forward to reading about them. Thank you for all that you do!
Aaaaah these comments. I know they’re not ill intentioned at all, more like the contrary. I sometimes have had thoughts like that too, toward other people. That’s why opening the subject is so important. Women without kids are not “missing something” – and also, having children is not the pathway to happiness for everyone! Ah, soooo much to say…!
Merci pour votre témoignage! Je vis une situation semblable à vous. Après deux inséminations qui m’ont rendues complètement malade, j’ai décidé d’arrêter les traitements et d’être heureuse dans ma vie sans enfants. Ce qui m’a vraiment fait prendre conscience que j’étais rendue au bout, c’est quand l’infirmière de la clinique de fertilité m’a dit : “On peut vous aider à gérer votre douleur. ” Tomber enceinte est-il censé être douloureux? Mon mari en avait assez aussi. Comme je souffre d’endométriose et que les douleurs sont présentes depuis déjà 25 ans, j’ai demandé des anovulants. Et je les prends en continu. C’est une réelle délivrance de ne pas régler ma vie autour de la douleur (alimentation, repos, exercice, stress). Comme un ami m’a dit récemment : la vie n’est pas faite pour souffrir, mais pour prendre du plaisir. Je vous souhaite beaucoup de bonheur!
Wow merci c’est chouette d’entendre des témoignages comme celui-ci, vraiment!!! Plein de bonheur à toi!!!
I felt a little jump of excitement when I saw that you were back, but then my heart ached for you. I’m sure people meant only nice things, but if they don’t know the circumstances, they can add to the pain.
It has been satisfying to see you evolve and explore over the years, and I look forward to hearing about your next projects. One thing that has kept me here is that you haven’t just been about fashion and clothes but has increasingly been deeper and richer discussions of human experience.
Merci!
I hate that people still don’t see how wrong the comment about kids is, I’m so with you on this one. It especially hurts to read them here, where the comments are such a big part of the blog. Write whatever you feel like writing, we’ll read <3
Ow, thank you!!!
C’est vraiment lourd que les gens te demandent pourquoi vous n’avez pas encore d’enfants… Du peu que je connais de vous deux à travers le blog, il était évident que ça arriverait. Et donc, si aucun petit nez ne se pointe à l’horizon, c’est qu’il y a un problème. N’importe quelle personne sensée peut faire ce raisonnement, sans en plus poser des question indiscrètes, intrusives, qui font de la peine.
Bonne continuation, comme on dit dans ma région
MarieG, mariée depuis 25 ans, sans enfants (et j’ai toujours refusé de répondre aux différentes questions sur le sujet, mon mari aussi. Même nos propres familles n’ont jamais eu de réponses; c’est un peu pénible au début, puis les gens s’habituent)
En fait, les questions ne me dérangent pas, ce sont plutôt les affirmations qui compliquent tout : “il ne manque plus qu’un enfant à ce tableau idéal” — que répondre à ça?
Mais bon, je suis prete à répondre à tout maintenant :)
Hi , Garance!
I just wanted to say that I love you. Your honesty is what keeps me coming back here for years! And look , even when you write about the hardest topic, your sense of humor and intelligence shines through. I know , it’s not easy to be and to write so lightheartedly all the time, but you always find exactly right words to reach your audience and make yourself heard.
As far as life without kids goes… I’m 32 and I’m a mother of 1 y.o girl . I had two really difficult years of my life before I got pregnant. I understand everything you wrote in your Lenny Letter. I’ve been through almost everything on your list . I almost lost my husband because we were fighting so often during my treatment . And , in fact, we could have avoided all that if we were more resilient to the pressure our parents and friends with kids and the society all together had put on us . I’ve met doctors that were mean and incompetent; I was put through some unnecessary operation . I was hurt and hopeless. If my husband didn’t pick me up one day , put me in our car and drove cross country for 10 days, I don’t know if could ever leave that state of misery.
Infertility can drive us mad so easily! It doesn’t matter if you are 24 , 32 or 40. The sooner it happens , the more despair it can bring into ones life.
I did get pregnant eventually. And on my 8th week of pregnancy I had the scare of my life when the clots of blood were coming out of my body just before my doctors visit. The worst night of my life, when I was positive i miscarried but as it turned out it was something else . After that my whole pregnancy was nerve wrecking and far from what I imagined.
Yes, now I’m a mother and i love it. I’m trying not to think about my journey to motherhood, but I know it has changed me a lot . It made me question myself and doubt my intelligence more than once. Seriously. And when you think about it, that’s not the best state to be in when you are a new mother. My mom was with me a lot for the first few months after the baby was born so I could pull myself together and get back to my old self. If that’s even possible.
I’m glad to hear that you feel better and thank god for a good man in your life. You guys can do anything and everything together.
I’m sorry for this long reply. I wish you all the best and i send you the warmest hug and “thank you ” for sharing !
?
Maria, sorry you had to go through all that. So happy you and your husband made it, it means a lot doesn’t it… and congrats on your little baby!!! I love long comments, don’t worry :)
My thoughts exactly! Take care G. ps. Islands are special, Hawaii perhaps among the best ones! x
Hello Garance,
Quel plaisir de te lire !!!!! Et de lire que tout va mieux, que plein de projets se dessinent, c’est trop chouette. Comme beaucoup, j’ai trouvé ta Lenny Letter très bien écrite, juste comme il faut.
Hâte de lire tes prochains textes et d’écouter ta voix dans le podcast (d’ailleurs, tu as été une de mes inspirations pour lancer le mien : Génération XX)
Belle rentrée et plein de bonnes vibes,
Siham
Ah mais il faut que j’écoute ton podcast!!!! <3
Love love love the illustration ! the colours are amazing, please make a print :)
J’ai commenté déjà sur ton insta suite à la Lenny Letter, donc je t’envoie juste des bonnes ondes et te dit quand c’est bon de te lire et don’t make it so long next time !
Merci :)
Trop bien !!!!
Tu nous as manqué !
Oh Garance, bless you for going through all that and coming out at the other end still yourself and wiser, and bless you for sharing it with us. You give the world so much with your honesty. Lots of love, DH
Chère Garance,
Je te lis depuis plus de 6 ans (depuis mes 21 ans!), je suis très émue par ce ta lettre et heureuse à la fois de cette ouverture.
Je te suis fidèlement et oui à l’avenir n’hésite pas à ouvrir ton coeur ici, on aime ce blog pour toi, ta personnalité.
Merci et beaucoup de pensées de Paris :)
You are so strong! I absolutely loved the Lenny letter, that’s actually where I found you and your website, and the wonderful life that you live. Thank you for sharing. Happy you are doing well and all the best. XO
Micaela
Garance, I always learn something from your posts, but I’d say a recurring lesson has been that it’s important to pay attention to that inner voice — something I’m not always good at. And personal challenges, like infertility, take a long time to process, never mind write about. But these posts about our experiences are important. As a breast cancer survivor (23 years!), I have taken phone calls from women about to make the same decisions about prophylactic mastectomies and reconstruction that I faced a decade ago. A writer by trade, I finally wrote about it a few years ago. We women need to talk about these things and share our experiences, but only when we are ready. I’m looking forward to reading more about your journey in the coming year. Merci!
Dear Judith, that’s amazing. Keep sharing – and yes one of my most important things I’ve learned so far is to listen to that voice. I’m still a beginner at it, but I practice every day and i feel so much better. Sending love your way!
Garance,
Toujours tellement vraie, touchante, inspirante.
J’ai pensé à cette Lenny Letter pendant plusieurs jours, tellement tes mots étaient poignants. J’avais envie de te dire merci, ou bravo, ou courage, ou je ne sais quel mot personnel, mais aussi noyé dans la multitude de messages que tu as du recevoir suite à ce témoignage si prenant et empreint d’honnêteté.
Tu me fascines. J’étais pétrifiés quand je t’ai fait dédicacée mon livre à Paris. C’était trop court. J’aurai tellement aimé faire cette retraite créative au Maroc…. mais quel budget ! J’ai failli me laisser tenter par cette folle aventure, et effectivement, toutes les places ont été (trop) rapidement victimes de leur succès.
Je suis heureuse de te (re)lire, positive, et avec un trait coloré qui reflète ce bel état d’esprit, et cette sincérité qui a forgé cette relation si étroite avec ta communauté.
Belle rentrée.
Chère Marion, d’abord un grand merci pour ce commentaire! Je te rassure je suis consciente du prix de cette retraite – et j’ai pour projet d’organiser des “community events” plus simples et plus accessibles dans un futur proche. Gros bisou!!!
So glad to hear you’re feeling better, your voice has been missed on the website! Your Lenny Letter was very moving. I find it ironic that so many women protest and are vocal about women’s rights, the right to choose what we do with our bodies. But, when it comes to having children or getting married, women can be so judgmental. I am exactly your age Garance and I have chosen not to have children or get married. I am happy with my choices but in my experience, not everyone is as empathetic. I hope your experience creates understanding and brings this topic to the forefront of women’s issues.
We project a lot on other people, for example, a lot of people think that women without children must be sad even if they don’t admit it- right? That’s one of the hugest misconceptions yet it’s so subtle. I’ll talk more about it so we can help change that! Big kiss to you!
Bonjour Garance, trop bien se Comeback, c’est les bonnes vines de septembre plus du temps que tu as passé à muet pour à nouveau d’exprimer avec un nouvel élan (je sais trop de poésie dans cette phrase). Chapeau vraiment, peu de gens je trouve quand ils ont un train de vie aisé cherche à se remettre en question à savoir si ils sont heureux au fond de même. Moi j’ai trop envie que toi et ton équipe veniez à Marseille durant les conférences d’anti-fashion cest vers fin mai début juin, en plus ça parle des sujets que tu traites (l’intérêt des fassion week, le traitement du corps de la femme et de son avenir). Ça serait génial d’y entendre ta voix qui a muet (lol j’aime la poésie) en plus ya ta pote Sophie Fontanel tu vas trop golri. Je suis trop contente de te lire. Cette année grâce à toi j’ai rencontré la fabuleuse Caroline Issa à la villa Noailles et ces grâce à toi si je connais cette femme. Je pense que ça doit être dur pour une seule personne de gérer tout ce qu’il y a autour de ton blog et gérer aussi ta vie, je souhaite bonne chance dans cette belle aventure, You Know Many things Garance Doré. Que serait la vie sans GOT gros bisous de Marseille ??
Cette sincérité t’honore Garance et donne du courage à toutes celles qui a un moment traverse une série pas facile. Les réseaux sociaux donnent une image trompeuse de la vie des autres, elle apparait toujours formidable. les mariages sont magnifiques, les gens super heureux, leurs vacances de rêve, leurs maisons un bonheur , … du coup on peut avoir l’impression que rien ne tourne rond chez soi. Eh non, grâce à tes témoignages, on se rend compte que la vie toute merveilleuse et précieuse qu’elle soit, peut aussi à certain moments être pleine de contrariétés ou de blocages. et ce n’est pas grave car ça permet d’avancer. Merci Garance, contente que tu ailles bien maintenant. Natacha
La vie et ses contrastes…tout un chemin d’ acceptation… ou notre mental souvent tourne en bourique, ne comprends pas …
mais je réalise aue c’est tellement pour plus de justesse , de clarté intérieure, de bienveillance, de connaissance de SOI…
et d’amour , beaucoup d amour… pour ressentir l’ intensité de la vie , sa vaste et profonde joie à l’ oeuvre…
Encore une fois merci Garance pour tes partages, cette précieuse intimité qui repose en chacun de nous :)
Elle fait echo à nos vies ..meme si la forme est differente,
De mon coté aussi un chemin d’ acceptation, de lacher prise et d’ amour de soi pour plus de sens, pour mieux m’ envoler, creer des liens et AIMER…
et heureusement qu’ on a tous des vies riches et uniques… On s’ ennuierait graaaaaaave :D
sinon ton coup de crayon et les couleurs de ton illustration annoncent un beau vent frais, nouveau … ET AMOUREUX DE LA VIE !
Wow Garance. I love your honesty and the wisdom to hold back when it is just too painful. Time gives us the grace to act wisely. As a fellow Taurus, I can relate to the naivety of being honest but I think it what makes us beautiful true friends.
You brought tears to my eyes even though I haven’t been through the fertility issues nor will I have kids. That ship has sailed and I am ok with it. Your writing just goes to the core of what it is to be me. The paths I’m navigating seems more normal when I read your posts.
I think we can relate to what it is being a woman in this time. People comment all the time without thinking about the pain they cause. Your articles shine a light on maybe trying to be more compassionate and thoughtful when we speak. As women we need to support each other not harm even if accidentally.
Namaste,
Therese
Beautiful comment And huge hugs Therese!
Ah oui autres choses
-j’ai trouvé ta lenny letter touchante, c’est beau de partager ce qui tais arrive merci pour ta sincérité, ce texte est beau parce que tu as vraiment un ton particulier pour raconter les choses. Tu es une personne super sincère et qui est un amour ça se voit dans ton travail artistique et cest toujours de voir que même à des personnes géniales ils puissent arriver des trucs durs mais t’es une stark ou une Targarien et ton cœur est noble, GOT cest vraiment de la bombe ?
-je trouve trop cool le fait que tu réponds aux différents commentaires sur ton blog et sur Instagram, je trouve génial les personnes célèbres qui le font, c’est le cas par exemple de Sophie Fontanel ou Bouchra Jarrar ou Caroline Issa qui sont des personnes que j’apprécie énormément pour leur travail et leur personnalité.
It’s so lovely to hear from you again, Garance.
I expected the post to be about how amazing and glamorous your summer was and it was so touching to read these words instead. About how we are all struggling through life, a little, and working out what is important to us, prioritising and feeling a little under par.
It really helps to know you can be so creative, fun and intelligent (and glamorous!) but talk about the difficulties of being a modern, privileged woman too.
Although I won’t be able to go to a retreat, I can’t wait to hear more about them. Your honest direction with the site keeps me coming back for more every day, so I can’t wait to see more from you and your team.
And your new illustration IS fabulous.
Besos!
Wow. Means so so so much. We will share as much as we can about the retreat so that you can get some of the teachings. We’re already working on the next one, and as I said in an earlier comment, smaller community events for people who can’t attend the retreats!
Been reading you since you started years ago… and I’m still here and just really happy that you are back, happier and stronger!
I want to thank you for your Lenny Letter, it touched me so much, especially when you said that this story doesn’t end with a shiny baby. I’ve had to reimagine my future when it turned out endometriosis had caused too much havoc in my body. My relationship ended because of it, which made it extra hard because I had to go through all these stages alone. The worst was when people tried to make me feel better by saying, oh, but you never know, I know this couple, etc etc. When I was at a point that I started to accept my new reality, the people around me wouldn’t let me. I stopped reading stories about women with fertility problems like mine, because they would always end with: and then a miracle happened! Or: then we adopted a baby (adoption was no option for me because I didn’t want to raise a child alone)! So thank you for writing another kind of story with another kind of ending, which is not necessarily unhappy, just different.
Oooooh that was exactly my problem. I got so tired of “hoping” – I needed to be happy, and above all, WELL, right now. So glad my letter touched you in that way. Big kiss!
Alors ça c’est le début de mon commentaire que je n’ai pas réussi à envoyer :
Bonjour Garance, trop bien se Comeback, c’est les bonnes vines de septembre plus du temps que tu as passé à muet pour à nouveau d’exprimer avec un nouvel élan (je sais trop de poésie dans cette phrase). Chapeau vraiment, peu de gens je trouve quand ils ont un train de vie aisé cherche à se remettre en question à savoir si ils sont heureux au fond de même. Moi j’ai trop envie que toi et ton équipe veniez à Marseille durant les conférences d’anti-fashion cest vers fin mai début juin, en plus ça parle des sujets que tu traites (l’intérêt des fassion week, le traitement du corps de la femme et de son avenir). Ça serait génial d’y entendre ta voix qui a muet (lol j’aime la poésie) en plus ya ta pote Sophie Fontanel tu vas trop golri. Je suis trop contente de te lire. Cette année grâce à toi j’ai rencontré la fabuleuse Caroline Issa à la villa Noailles et ces grâce à toi si je connais cette femme. Je pense que ça doit être dur pour une seule personne de gérer tout ce qu’il y a autour de ton blog et gérer aussi ta vie, je souhaite bonne chance dans cette belle aventure, You Know Many things Garance Doré. Que serait la vie sans GOT gros bisous de Marseille
Bonsoir Garance,
Voici ma contribution à votre “héroïque” coming out car pour le coup, je trouve qu’il est assez difficile dans notre société de faire savoir, ou au moins réussir à raconter ce qui peut passer pour une incapacité ( surtout quand on a commencé à cocher pas mal de croix sur la liste de la réussite, réalisation, du chemin de vie ?!?)
Alors certes j’ai 41 ans et un petit garçon de 4 ans (“mais de quoi se plaint-elle celle-là ?”), mais ça n’empêche, l’histoire par laquelle nous avons dû passer (je ne suis pas sûre de l’avoir un jour vécue au sens où “l’on fait des choix, on les assume, on “habite” notre réalité….. new age
Thank you Garance for your honesty, bravery and kindness towards yourself and other women in writing this piece and your other recent entries that have dealt with some of the most challenging issues that women deal with today. I know (like me) that you are a fan of Esther Perel and her new series on audible “Where Should We Begin” is really great. The last episode deals with some of the issues you have discussed in this post and is definitely worth a listen. Her perspective on it is as always refreshing and creative. I am thankful for women like you and Esther who are bringing a fresh perspective to these subjects and for initiating honest conversations that so many people want and need to hear with an open and non judgmental approach embodying grace, humor and bravery. It’s inspiring! Sending love to you and Chris!
So glad to be reading you again. I undestand it was a really tough time for you, but personally I missed your voice… which is what makes this blog so unique, not the topics but your perspective.
I hope you keep writing and being honest… Jon Snow honest, for me that is the clue to make bonds last (not for ever but a lot). XXOO
Bonsoir Garance,
Voici ma contribution à votre “héroïque” coming out car pour le coup, je trouve qu’il est assez difficile dans notre société de faire savoir, ou au moins réussir à raconter ce qui peut passer pour une incapacité (surtout quand on a commencé à cocher pas mal de croix sur la liste de la réussite, réalisation, du chemin de vie ?!?).
Alors certes j’ai 41 ans et un petit garçon de 4 ans (“mais de quoi se plaint-elle celle-là ?”), mais ça n’empêche, l’histoire par laquelle nous avons dû passer (je ne suis pas sûre de l’avoir un jour vécue au sens où “l’on fait des choix, on les assume, on “habite” notre réalité….. new age forever) nous a changé à jamais.
Le plus dur c’est de ne pas perdre de vue l’autre et d’investir la communication dans son couple comme une condition de réussite car les conséquences dommageables peuvent perdurer même après la naissance d’un bb, on ne peut effacer une telle expérience, on la garde toujours en soi.
La principale difficulté est l’approche technique de ce sujet (sujet ? je suis un sujet ? ah non, moi je suis une rigolote qui a un super job et qui a des projets) : vous avez une malformation, des déficits, on va opérer et voir ce que vous avez, ah bon vous ne savez pas ? vous ne répondez pas au traitement, vous êtes trop vieille, c’est dans votre tête, il suffit de le vouloir, vous allez plomber nos statistiques, un soutien psy mais pour quoi faire ? Vous n’êtes pas suicidaire, vous voulez des enfants !).
Pour ma part, 5 ans d’errance dans le système médical français avec des épisodes dignes du trône de fer côté sanguinolent, enfer et damnation, puis une rencontre avec un medecin belge qui nous a écouté, nous à parler du destin et de l’acceptation de son “chemin de vie” et de la vraie priorité : sa vie amoureuse. Nous sommes repartis dans des protocoles encore plus foufou mais en toute sérénité, et je crois que c’est pour cela que ça a marché.
Notre bb nous a comblé “bien sûr”. Presque 5 ans après, je peux aussi affirmer que notre couple en porte encore les stigmates. Mon compagnon a engagé une démarche personnelle et j’y réfléchis moi aussi de plus en plus. Peut-être que je me suis un peu égarée en route pendant ces (beaucoup) trop longues années. Je suis en pleine évolution professionnelle (positive) mais je manque de serenite pour réussir à aligner mes planètes – je mise beaucoup aussi sur le fly yoga -:) J’ai besoin de faire la paix avec mon corps pour que mon esprit soit enfin en paix.
Charlotte est un pseudo, c’est le prénom que j’aurais souhaité donné à la petite sœur de mon fils. Cette petite fille que nous n’essaierons pas de faire (c’est facile de faire, c’est comme pour les cookies, faut suivre la recette…. humour detestable de ceux qui ne savent pas, car ils ne peuvent même pas imaginer ce que c’est). Pourquoi ? Maintenant je sais que notre couple n’aurait pas pu résister à un deuxième “chemin de croix”
Charlotte
Garance, I just want to say thank you for your honesty, sense of humour and amazing creativity. You are such a life force. What you represent and have created is truly astounding and so very unique.
I read the Lenny letter once you’d published the link on Instagram. I read it and thought, another reason to admire this woman. Your attitude to it all, honesty and willingness to share for the benefit of other women. Like you said, it is so easy for people to be judgemental about certain things without really knowing what another human being is really going through. It’s great to have your writing back here. Lots of love xx
I loved your Lenny letter, all tough its painful to read. I desided some years ago that babys wasnt for me. Its not the pat that I want for my life. My life is perfect the way it is, and im so, so happy (truly).
One of the reasons for this desiceon might be that im done with the society telling me what to do, and the box-life it wants us all to live. Its not for me. Dont tell me how to live my life, and dont tell me how to be happy.
I might change my mind later (im 28), but for now im all good.
I’m so glad you feel in peace whit the new pat of your life, and I hope you truly will be happy (like deep down inside) and have the wonderfull and passionate life you’ve dreamed of.
Hugs and kisses
And to you, our dear friend; a poem.
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
Tp call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
beautiful!
Thank you for both of these stories. I can relate on the age and the baby stuff [I never went down the IVF path] I set it down 2 years ago and left it behind me as well. It took me some time to revise the picture in my head of what I thought life would look like. It’s like a polaroid slowly developing. slow, like, super slow.
I’m a Taurus as well and your line of “The energy it takes to maintain that distance eats up all my creativity.”felt all to close to home for a number of topics. Glad you hit refresh and we’re all excited to see your creativity blossom again.
The fact that you have so many readers that follow and read your blog through all these years (I am one of them) says a lot about your personality Garance! Please keep up all this good work ,assisted by your great team. Greetings from Greece ( I really hope you do a meeting here in our beautiful country :)
Cela fait tellement plaisir de te retrouver. Il y a des années que je te suis à travers ton blog quand tu étais encore à Paris. Quand tu as déménagé à New York, je me suis dit Waouh. Elle est va vraiment au bout et fait ce qu’elle aime. Et puis, j’ai arrêté de te lire car je ne te reconnaissais plus. Et par hasard, je suis tombée sur des Stories de ton Instagram. Tu étais à Venice beach où je venais de passer de super vacances et où j’aimerais tellement déménagé pour quelques années. Et là, je suis retourné sur ton blog. Et j’ai lu ce post en me disant : Garance est de retour ! Welcome back ! J’ai hâte de retrouver la fraîcheur de tes débuts. Take care
Julie, tout comme toi j’ai suivi, suis devenue accroc puis moins, juste de très loin ne me retrouvant plus dans le chemin de Garance… Mais oui là it’s the come back et j’espère bien retrouver la femme vive et créative, spontanée et si intéressante, à la fois proche de mon profile mais m’emportant aussi dans un scénario tout autre qui fait parfois du bien. Je crois que tout n’arrive pas par hasard. Notre hérédité, notre adn, notre subconscient, tous ces éléments avec ceux de notre entourage par la force des choses nous guide nous font suivre notre voie… Si nous devions tous faire les choses à l’identique ça se saurait !! Heureusement qu’il n’en est pas cas !! Mais j’avoue, c’est difficile de se trouver, de s’accepter, de faire abstraction du jugement et garder la tête haute fière et souriante all the time. Ce sont des personnes comme toi, des écris de toi et d’autres qui aident sans vraiment s’en rendre compte naturellement par leur naturel et leur partage.. Alors merci. Oui !!! Reviens plus vive et plus forte, plus riche d’idées et de mots ! Reviens-nous !!! On est nombreuses à vouloir lire et partager nos énergies positives et révolutionnaires !!! We are toutes THE VERY BEST ! :P
Sending you lots of love, so very happy that you are feeling better, but remember, happy or not, you’ll be loved by us no matter what ?X
Bonjour Garance,
Je suis de près ton blog et ton histoire. Je suis passée par un traitement IVF pour mon premier enfant. Nous avions été très étonnés à l’époque du sérieux et de la pression que les autres couples mettaient dans le processus IVF. Nous avons toujours envisagé que cela ne puisse pas marcher, continué notre vie normalement, nous avons préféré partir en vacances même s’il fallait postposer un traitement etc (d’ailleurs le traitement qui a marché a été fait au retour d’une semaine de vacances formidable…en Allemagne ;-). Un autre facteur déterminant a été de ne pas en parler à qui que ce soit pour éviter toute pression et attente de la part de notre entourage. C’était une histoire de couple et c’est tout, personne d’autre ne devait s’en mêler (bon, j’ai fini par le dire à ma mère et là, j’ai senti un début de pression :-)) Je te souhaite de reprendre les traitements mais avec beaucoup de légéreté d’esprit et une équipe médicale bienveillante.
Garance, thanks for opening up and being real and vulnerable about the difficulties and pressures around motherhood. Your piece featured on Lenny really spoke to me. I’m not at the stage of trying to have children, but I am in a different stage of life, still struggling and trying to move forward. As cliché as it may sound, your words reminded me that each chapter of life has its struggles. So, even with all the anticipation surrounding what’s next and wanting the future to come now, I’m reminded to just be and enjoy where I’m at now.
I’m so glad you were able to take a break, rest, and rejuvenate you. Sending you inspiration, joy, and love-
Grance tu est vraiment une super femme! Ta lettre a Lenny etais si sincère,si forte. Tu est vraiment sources d’inspiration pour toutes les femmes!
Ton article sur InStyle aussi! Ca fait beaucoup réfléchir.
Keep it Up Baby et continu à nous Inspirée ??
Et a parlée de tous ces sujets super importantes, que nous regardent tous, Dan le monde et souvent tabu’ Et à nous faire rigoler avec ta manier géniale de racontée les choses
Baci baci
Elisa
Had major surgery in my 30s after a 10 year chronic illness, so only dipped my toe in fertility treatments as it soon became clear my body had had enough poking and prodding. My husband and I adopted our beautiful Annabel, who is now 17, when she was three days old. We live on the East Coast so we worked with an attorney here, but our adoption journey took us to LA at one point and we met with a wonderful, soulful lawyer, David Radis, http://www.radis-adopt.com. So I am passing along his name should you choose to follow that path. Wherever your journey takes you, much, much happiness, joy, and peace.
How incredibly touching. Sending hugs your way xx
Quel plaisir de te lire Garance, c’est un peu bête à dire mais tu fais presque partie de nos vies maintenant. Je fais souvent part de tes réflexions à mon mari, car tu ouvres toujours de nouvelles portes ! et j’ai été bien entendu très touchée par ta Lenny letter… J’espère du fond du coeur que tu vas mieux et t’envoie toutes mes ondes positives.
J’ai juste une question mais tu n’est évidemment pas obligée d’y répondre : je me demandais juste si vous aviez envisagé l’adoption ? C’est un magnifique accomplissement aussi, ça pourrait peut-être être une belle expérience ?
Je ne commente jamais car je suis souvent maladroite, mais en tout cas reste toi-même, c’est le plus important <3
We love you Garance. Xx!
Oh, Garance! How I (and all of us) have missed you. Thank you for continuing to be so honest and open. And also thank you for setting an example for all of us that when things aren’t “OK” that it’s acceptable to dis-engaged and go inward. I was also recently diagnosed with low-level depression, something I’ve carried without really knowing it for about 5 years (following the birth of my son). It’s so tough because no part of me thinks that I am depressed (I’m productive / I’m happy / etc. etc.), but a tiny voice inside says, everything is not OK. Take time to figure this shit out. Anyway, I just so appreciate you and your voice and am happy that you will be back in our lives. All the best to you, from the best coast. xx
I’m so glad you’re feeling better! Writing a blog can be a huge source of stress because you’re simultaneously feeling pressured to present a face that is either “good” or “getting better”. It’s never easy to say you’re lost without a solution and present that to the world. I kind of got that vibe from your last few blog posts where it seemed almost a forced cheeriness with lessons learned at the end of it. I’m SO happy that you’re doing better. Oftentimes we want to present our status in one neatly wrapped package but life is more complicated and messy than that. It’s easy to get lost and hard to find your way back to a place where you can get a sense of perspective. I wish you all the luck in life after pressing the reset button!
Hi Garance. So sorry that you and Chris went through a tough year. Can’t wait for your upcoming inspiring contents. As another human, I’ve always been fascinated by your vulnerabilities on many aspects of life over the years. Secondly, as one of your readers, I am not saying, please share more of your struggles, but rather I really appreciate the fact that you never came off once as a jaded successful blogger turned mega influencer/author, etc.; you continue to be so honest and open to us about your struggles (life or business and sometimes they intertwine because well, you’re a public figure), and ultimately if you’re delivering the type of content you’re passionate about sharing. As a long time reader, I can’t help but love and appreciate you even more. Sets you from the rest. Thank you. And I’m so glad you’re at a happier place than a year ago. Much love.
I do not have the words to fully express what your Lenny letter or this post has meant to me. I have had my own challenges with a body that does not behave as it should, act as it should, work as it should. For many years I have considered it broken, this body of mine. It became a separate thing, it was not me – I was ME, it was just my body. Reading the last couple paragraphs brought tears to my eyes as I see myself coming to the realizations that your penned so eloquently: that life is not fair, and we can’t check all the boxes, and the most we can do is sometimes nothing… and to ultimately let go and fall in love with our destiny as it is lived daily.
I suppose we are always healing, just as we are always learning. I am sending love to you, and deepest thanks for reminding me how to listen to my body again without seeing its limitations as a failure or as a forever.
xxx
Bravo and thank you. I went through similar issues around pregnancy, motherhood. Through operations and going back and forth on adoption, surrogate. We decided that life had a different plan for us. I have found a gift within me, a deep capacity to forgive and love freely, starting with myself. I now work with children who are differently abled and chronically ill. They teach me to be “Cherry Alive”, http://www.sheerpoetry.co.uk/junior/junior-poetry-library/in-the-classroom-part-two/i-am-cherry-alivethe poem,
Hello dear Garance, I honestly didn’t feel you were absent, maybe a little distant from the personal subjects, but I still feel you had your unique voice through the site. Especially on the podcasts, where sometimes I was more interested in listening to you rather than the “experts” or “celebrities” ;). That’s funny.
Last year I really needed to start a soul searching journey, to wake up, to get up from underwater, to take out the costume, to be vulnerable once for all. I felt your new content direction was aligned with what I was experiencing in my own life and now I realize I’ve borrowed so much help from here . I read all the books that were mentioned after the podcasts: the one that Gwyneth recommended: The untethered soul, the one the TV guy that panicked attack on air read and changed his life: The power of now, and the effing difficult Women who run with wolves, that one needs more time!. I learned so much… I learned more than everything to be less cynical about spiritualism, sift and take what serves me.
Now, I can come to Atelier Dore for killer style editorials but also for the transcendental stuff. We are so many things, right?.
I would love to see more of “The art of life” series. Jennifer interview is one that I come back often, there are so many treasures in there, and because is the way I ideally want to practice my own life.
Lastly, a question: how is the best way to reach out about the Lenny letter? I lived my own story with infertility, if I dare and my english grammar don’t suck too much, I would like to share it. Definitely we have to talk more openly about it, so we can feel less alien, and more supported and connected.
Besos miles, te quiero Garance!!
Mercedes,
@maisoncorazon
Deep.
Merci Garance
J’aime beaucoup l’évolution de votre site, de vos sujets et de leur traitement, de vos centres d’intérêts aussi. L’empreinte fashion est moins présente, différente, plus subtile, ce qui est très appréciable.
Merci de partager d’une façon si simple, juste et honnête ces moments de vie. Parfois beaux, parfois moins et douloureux.
On se sent moins seule tout de suite. Vos mots vont m’envelopper de leur douceur et m’accompagner quelque temps. Encore merci, bonne rentrée.
Hâte de retrouver vos podcast.
Yes! I’ve missed your voice. Sorry for your frustrations…congrats to you for really embracing change.
I am an ex-midwesterner, ex-New Yorker who has lived in LA for the last 15 (yikes!) years. I’m particularly amused by your comment about losing your cynicism about mysticism. Right??! Why does LA do that? And wait till you start exploring the east side…all new again!
Best to you in your new home – fill it with love!
Garance, I was so moved by your Lenny letter as it perfectly captured the emotions of dealing with fertility challenges. I was 36 or 37 when I decided to embrace the possibility of motherhood despite a lifetime of thinking I was not capable of having children due to a hormonal imbalance and not being entirely sure I wanted a child in my life. Your piece vividly captured the rollercoaster of fertility treatments, alternative therapies, etc. and the sort of joy that seems to get sucked out when all of this overtakes one’s life and relationship (not to mention dealing with the ENORMOUS pressure placed on us by loved ones, doctors, society because of our age.) I did end up getting pregnant at 38 just as my husband and I decided to take a break from it all. A couple of months ago, I quit acupuncture, the strict diet, the daily a.m. basal body temperature readings because I could feel myself getting sucked right back into that place and my heart said “No.” Your piece is a great reminder to listen to that inner voice. It is never wrong. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
Dear Garance,
Since I’m reading you from a long time is first time I’m writting to you. I’m a spanish engineer who works and lives in Mexico City and a single mother of 48 who had a baby 17 months ago, imagine….and I did it as you said, no help, “how modern and cool, wowww!” Imagine….. In some moment in my life I decided I wanted a baby, I was 46 and after a few happy relationships was alone, enjoying life and friends. Some people tried to change my mind about doing that, judged me because of my age….but after some tries, mountains of hormons and hesitation (the emotional charge and pain after every failure makes you have doubts, not others opinion) here I was, pregnant, everything was perfect and now I’m the hapiest mother ever.
Your letter made me cry, thaks for sharing!
By the way we also were in Oahu ten days ago and totally understand the vibe you mention…we came back renovated in such a way.
Please keep sharing your inspiring ideas! Kisses from Mexico.
Just a hug. But a huge one. Those more-than-8-seconds-long kind of.
M
Garance, it’s great to have you back here writing. You were missed.
Any choice a woman makes regarding reproduction will be judged, by everyone, all the time. When I was twenty I said: “I don’t want children.” People answered: “You will change your mind, when the clock starts ticking, trust me.” By the time I was 30 I wanted off of the pill, the doctors said: “I can’t make a tubal ligation, you are too young, you will change your mind and it’s a crime to rob you of your ‘reproductive rights’.” Now I am forty and the doctors are saying: “It’s not worth having a ligation now, you are too old.”
My take from this is that a woman is not allowed to know her mind. Enjoy your life, with or without kids. Having a child will not make you complete, only you can do that. If a child comes, enjoy him or her. Joie de vivre, c’est tout. Bonne chance!
Thanks for sharing Garance, you are so brave!
Thank you for sharing, Garance!
It’s heartbreaking to read how much of family/friends/society/self pressure is on your (and our) shoulders, and how difficult it is to navigate you own self among it all. I’m glad that you managed to have your own happy ending, or no ending at all, but definitely a happy journey.
I remember when I finished my PhD and made a small family dinner to celebrate my success, I was feeling really so happy and proud… and then I heard so much of ‘oh, now that you finished your PhD, you can FINALLY focus on getting married and getting kids’. I was left speechless. I know they meant good for me – that it would make me really happy. But come on, I was really happy at this moment and just wanted to share it.
And the worst thing for me was to observe my own defensive response, having thoughts like ‘well, at least I can support myself and do what I want, I didn’t get married and get kids before starting any interesting career like YOU’. Well, that’s also not exactly the kind of person I wanna be, and I hate it every time it happens, I hate it when the viscous side of me surfaces, and it actually shows that even tough I ‘obviously’ don’t care, it still hurts deep inside….
Now I have a wonderful boyfriend, who is such an immense support to me and it’s much easier to follow my heart, and stay above these comments, and wish people all the best, and be happy with their successes (and the questions about kids don’t touch me at all, magic). But it actually also makes me wonder, why didn’t I manage it on my own? I really wish I could have been more like this before. And then I see what you have been writting about Chris, and it really makes me think that we (or some of us?) do need this extra support to really thrive. I wish I didn’t (and could do everything on my own), but in the end I did.
Love & looking forward to upcoming stories!
PS. Great colors and such a new edge to your usual drawings! Wonderful.
PS 2. Please don’t overdo new age, pretty please…
PS 3. I missed you voice here as well! But I also think that I was mostly missing some word content (pretty pics and pretty things are just so too common in the interwebs), and I really enjoy when other Atelie Dore stuff write more here, so maybe they are willing to share more as well (doesn’t have to be too personal, just more comments and thoughts on whatever you are posting :) ) Just a thought!
Ah! what a great post – my favourite – I’m sorry for the rough time you’ve had but so grateful you shared it. I always love hearing your voice (and the rest of the studio – the variety is great) and it’s all the more special when there are breaks in between and we’re left wondering what you’re up to. Thanks again for sharing and being real and true. xxx
So happy to hear you are feeling better and very glad that you made the decision to take a step back and find time for yourself this summer. I am looking forward to hear more from you again, according to your schedule and when you feel ready to share. X
Bonjour Garance,
Merci, merci, vraiment !
Qu’il est libérateur d’entendre une femme pleine de succès parler de ses problèmes de fertilité. Et surtout des réflexions autour de la maternité que ça a provoqué en toi. C’est une chose tellement peu interrogée, comme si nous n’avions aucun choix. Comme si la contraception ne nous avait apporté que le choix du moment de la maternité mais pas la possibilité de ne pas être mère. Et si nous ne pouvons pas être mère pour des raisons biologiques, biographiques… alors nous serions condamnées à être malheureuses et aigris comme si, dès lors, nous disparaitrions de la vie sociale. Les femmes qui font le choix de ne pas avoir d’enfants sont censées le regretter un jour. Et celles qui en ont sont censées ne jamais le regretter.
Il faut une grande force pour dépasser cette injonction si forte. Peut être seras-tu mère un jour ou peut être pas mais le fait d’avoir accepté ces deux possibilités semble t’avoir libérée. Et j’ai l’impression que cette nouvelle liberté s’appliquera à toute ta vie, pas seulement la maternité.
Je trouve tellement important de voir ça, ce cheminement. Oui, on peut survivre au fait de vouloir des enfants et ne pas être mère, oui on peut ne pas vouloir d’enfants…
Encore une fois, merci !
Delphine
Cette illustration est incroyable. Évidemment, merci de partager tout ça, j’avais lu la lettre qui m’avait beaucoup touchée. Mais cette illu… :)
Merci pour ta sincérité Garance. Ca fait toujours beaucoup bien de te lire et cela donne aussi à reflechir!
Quelques fois je me dis aussi que je passe à côté de ma “vie”. J’ai la chance d’avoir 2 enfants que j’adore mais ce n’est pas toujours facile. J’ai l’impression d’être coincée parfois, je me repete souvent que le temps passe vite et que mon temps avec eux sera trop court sur toute une vie!
Et puis on se pose tellement de questions, la vie que je mène est elle la bonne pour moi ? professionnellement, personnellement parlant … c’est une grande question à laquelle il est parfois difficile de répondre. Dans le monde actuel, à cause d’ internet, d’instagram qui ne montre que le beau côté des choses… c’est deroutant et tentant à la fois!
En tous cas, tu es bien entourée, c’est tellement important, que ce soit par ta famille , Chris ou tes amis! Carpe Diem. Je t’embrasse.
c’est super de te retrouver !! c’est vrai que j’ai tendance à moi lire le blog quand tu publies pas …
une question me taraude, tu as la chance de vivre aux US où les mères porteuses sont légales … pourquoi ne pas essayer ?
sinon pourquoi ne pas organiser un séminaire (en français) à Ajaccio ?!
bonne journée très heureuse de te retrouver :)
C’est un sentiment étrange d’avoir envie d’envoyer du love, et d’être en empathie à ce point avec quelqu’un que l’on ne connait pas, mais j’envoie quand même.
Il y a un truc magique avec la vie, les trucs durs nous font vivre intensément et apprendre intensément. On ne peut pas être éternellement les mêmes, fort heureusement, et il faut sans doute passer par les difficultés pour profiter pleinement de “quand ça va” (comme une migraine ?).
J’aime l’idée de la vieillesse, car quand je vois des personnes âgées, je me dis qu’elles ont vécu, plein de choses, heureuses et malheureuses, et qu’elle peuvent, si elles en ont le désir transmettre quelque chose. On est très très loin de la vieillesse, mais chaque brique compte, et tu fais de très très jolies briques dans tes moments de bonheurs comme dans les autres.
Hi Garance, I have felt compelled to write to you since I read your Lenny letter.
Having been through it all myself, and still at the moment trying to decide if I should give up or not and just let it go and live sort of in a what will be will be.
Your article touched me in such a profound way, it was sort of physical relief. I am not exaggerating, it felt like my heart felt lighter after reading your words and story. And for this I am forever grateful to you.
Je vous suis depuis tellement longtemps et sans commenter en fait et là…difficile de faire autrement. Dès l’ouverture et ce superbe dessin j’ai su, que c’était vous et que la vie était belle avec ces superbes couleurs. Même chemin de croix…3 ans…et surtout envie de ce moment qui permet de souffler et d’accepter de ne plus espérer et surtout, surtout ne plus entendre des phrases d’espoir ou des phrases de culpabilité parce que pour untel ou untel, le fait de ne plus y penser/faire de l’acupuncture/manger sain/arrêter le coca light/se mettre au yoga etc. a permis de…ou encore est-ce que ça n’est pas parce que au fond de moi en fait j’en n’en veux pas vraiment. Stop. Vraiment. Et même happy ending que toi…on est à deux et on s’aime.
Thank you Garance. That was very beautiful of you to share.
C’est bon de te retrouver :)
Bonjour Garance,
Je ne peux m’empêcher de commenter aussi car moi aussi j’ai connu une immense souffrance lorsque j’ai voulu devenir mère. Cela fait du bien aux femmes que d’autres femmes comme vous ayant de la notoriété parlent de tout ça à voix haute. Pour ma part je n’ai jamais pu en parler sauf à mes proches car la réaction condescendante des autres m’auraient encore plus angoissée.
J’aurais tant à dire… Mais avant tout je voulais vous/te (on a l’impression de vous connaitre) remercier d’avoir partagé ça. C’est fatiguant ces images parfaites de maternité que véhiculent les stars, les réseaux sociaux etc
Je n’ai que 29 ans et j’ai déjà connu 4 grossesses dont une que j’ai dû interrompre car mon enfant avait de graves malformations (plus grande blessure de ma vie, immense traumatisme), une 2 ème grossesse qui s’est soldé par une aspiration en urgence car je faisais une grossesse molaire (truc super rare et super chiant. Traumatisant aussi), troisième grossesse “juste” une fausse couche (pour mon entourage ce n’était rien! Certe rien par rapport à une IMG mais tout de même un autre échec cuisant pour moi…). Puis une 4eme grossesse et enfin la bonne! Mon fils est né cette année et inutile de dire que j’ai été extrêmement angoissée enceinte. Mais je me dis que ca devait être lui un point c’est tout. Aujourd’hui j’ai la trouille des médecins, je suis malade avant une échographie ou une prise de sang… J’ai perdu mon insouciance et je suis devenue une angoissée de la vie. Mais je travaille la dessus ;) Je n’ai qu’une idée en tête : faire d’autres enfants. Même si je sais que ce sera peut-être encore difficile.
C’est dur quand on est jeunes, beaux, succesful, que l’on s’aime plus que tout et que l’on arrive pas à se reproduire, c’est profondément blessant et tabou. Ma carrière professionnelle en a pris un coup. Mon couple aussi car faire l’amour était devenu un devoir… Moi aussi je me torturais à ne plus boire un verre, ne plus voyager, ne plus manger ci ou ca… On est malheureusement nombreuses à être passé par là.
Je vous souhaite de trouver un sens à tout cela, c’est ce que j’ai essayé de faire face à tant d’injustice. Vous avez beaucoup d’amour à donner et vous trouverez un moyen d’offrir cet amour que ce soit un jour je l’espère à votre propre enfant ou dans d’autres circonstances.
Amicalement,
Juju
Quel plaisir de te lire sur ce mode à la suite de ta lettre qui m’a énormément touchée.
J’ai passé les années 2014/15 à essayer d’avoir enfant. À un moment, j’ai deviné, dans tes écrits que c’était ton cas aussi et me suis doutée que c’était compliqué. Ça transpirait.
J’ai la chance d’avoir, déjà, un fils de 10 ans. J’ai donc refusé une médicalisation et n’ose imaginer ce par quoi tu es passée.
Je vous souhaite la vie belle et le meilleur, à Chris et toi (et Lulu).
Bonjour Garance et merci pour ce post :-)
Tu ne nous dois aucune explication mais c’est très agréable de te lire à nouveau !! Merci de partager ton expérience avec nous (je fais partie de la catégorie des femmes qui ne veulent pas d’enfant et qui doivent sans cesse se justifier, tout ce que tu dis me parle beaucoup)
À bientôt j’espère, bisous !
PS : le podcast de Siham “Génération XX” est top !
Ce qui est dingue c’est que le traditionnel “il ne te manque plus qu’un enfant” qui revient assez souvent dans les commentaires me blesse moi aussi au passage.
Effet ricochet qui renvoie à cette normalité si écrasante.
Te libérer de TON histoire M’A fait l’effet d’un gigantesque courant d’air.
J’ai les cheveux dans tous les sens (et je m’en fous…ce qui pour un Lion comme moi n’est pas si évident #macrinièremavie) et je respire ! Encore merci. Claire
alors, du témoignage en relation avec le sujet de l’enfant et de l’impossibilité d’en avoir, j’en ai un personnel, et y a du lourd…. Même si le problème n’est pas le même que le tien (pb génétique ayant entraîné 4 fausses couches et 2 IMG dont une à 3 mois et 1/2 et l’autre à 5 mois et demi, le tout entre 38 et 43 ans), je me suis reconnue dans beaucoup de choses du cheminement accompli par Gardashian :-) Mais alors vraiment beaucoup. Notamment en ce qui concerne le renoncement à avoir (ou tout faire pour) un enfant, sous les avis étonnés et incrédules de l’entourage…
alors, du témoignage en relation avec le sujet de l’enfant et de l’impossibilité d’en avoir, j’en ai un personnel, et y a du lourd…. Même si le problème n’est pas le même que le tien (pb génétique ayant entraîné 4 fausses couches et 2 IMG dont une à 3 mois et 1/2 et l’autre à 5 mois et demi, le tout entre 38 et 43 ans), je me suis reconnue dans beaucoup de choses du cheminement relaté et accompli par Gardashian :-) Mais alors vraiment beaucoup. Notamment en ce qui concerne le renoncement à avoir (ou tout faire pour) un enfant, sous les avis étonnés et incrédules de l’entourage… Et j’ai un avis et un vécu qui correspond au tien: je pense notamment que le « tout est possible » aujourdhui (y compris aller se faire piquouser et booster les hormones en Espagne comme une vache aux hormones jusqu’à ce que depression s’ensuive.. chose que j’ai refusée de faire justement parce que je n’EN POUVAIS PLUS de ce cirque) accroît plus encore la pression sur la femme pour avoir un enfant. Autrement dit: PUISQUE tout est possible, on nous culpabilise encore plus!
J’ai une grand tante qui a perdu deux enfants à la naissance et a été 2 fois veuve: elle est partie à 103 ans, sans jamais faire aucune dépression. Pourquoi??? ben parce que c’etait la NATURE et que donc on l’acceptait mieux !
Aujourd’hui, tout nous dit: NON n’acceptez pas ce que la vie ne veut pas te donner, acharne-toi, tu DOIS avoir un anfant puisque tout est possible (congelation des gamètes, mère porteuse, vache boostée en Espagne, prêt d’ovule trouvé sur le BonCoin et j’en passe :-)
Moi c’était ce que j’etais sensée faire: aller me faire booster + implanter un ovule de prêt en Espagne après DPA (Diagnostic préimplantatoire). SAUF QUE: d’une part, je n’avais plus aucune énergie après les 2 IMG (2009, puis 2011), et d’autre part rien que l’idée de mécaniser l’histoire m’a arrêtée net… ET Dieu sait pourquoi, j’étais incapable (et lassée) de partir adopter un enfant aussi… Usée, trop vieille, j’avais tourné une page, quoi.
j’ai aussi halluciné en voyant le nombre de gens qui ne comprenaient pas pourquoi j’arrêtais TOUT net: pas d’adoption, pas de boostage en Espagne,.. non, pour moi c’etait tout bêtement (même si j’ai un bcp déprimé quand même tellement j’etais usée après ces 5 années de tentatives échouées): la NATURE ne veut pas, bon, ben, je pleure un bon coup (6 mois quand même, hein, bon poids, avec un moral en berne ensuite pendant 2 bonnes années…) et je passe à autre chose.
Mais ça, la société ne le comprend pas très bien. C’est peut-être l’avancée la moins effective quant à la liberté des femmes, cette histoire de pression… je crois même que pas grand chose n’a évolué à ce sujet, c’est même pire je trouve avec les progrès de la science. Dont on ne mesure pas assez l’impact psychologique pesant sur la population féminine.
bises
jicky (celle de Jung, de l’abricot et de son noyau hier dans mon commentaire sur Instagram :-)
c’est une impression, ou nous sommes en train de retrouver (trop chouette!!!) la bonne vieille Garance de jadis? (so 2009, mais so 200NEUVE!!!!) :-)
So happy to hear your voice again! All my love to you for over coming such difficult times. You know, it might be a cliché, but as the say goes, ‘lo que no te mata, te engorda’. Which means what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Although in spanish is cuter because the literal translation is ‘ … makes you fatter’ ja! Love it!
It shows that you are more in tune with your truth. You are looking more beautiful than ever. There are so many taboo topics about motherhood we could talk endlessly. From a woman not wanting to become mother to actually being one & regretting it. From a woman who feels rejection toward her child to a woman who doesn’t fall immediately in love with her new born baby. But women cannot express these types of emotions out loud without immediatley becoming a monster. No matter how women deal with motherhood, they are always judge. That’s why is fundamental to start these difficult conversations. And keep up talking and learning and embracing all the different shades of how motherhood makes women truly feel. So, thank you for sharing. Thank you for going deeper. And thank you for just being you.
So happy to hear your voice again! All my love to you for over coming such difficult times. You know, it might be a cliché, but as the say goes, ‘lo que no te mata, te engorda’. Which means what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Although in spanish is cuter because the literal translation is ‘ … makes you fatter’ ja! Love it!
It shows that you are more in tune with your truth. You are looking more beautiful than ever. There are so many taboo topics about motherhood we could talk endlessly. From a woman not wanting to become mother to actually being one & regretting it. From a woman who feels rejection toward her child to a woman who doesn’t fall immediately in love with her new-born baby. But women cannot express these types of emotions out loud without immediately becoming a monster. No matter how women deal with motherhood, they are always judge. That’s why is fundamental to start these difficult conversations. And keep up talking and learning and embracing all the different shades of how motherhood makes women truly feel. So, thank you for sharing. Thank you for going deeper. And thank you for just being you.
Lectrice de l’ombre depuis des années, je voulais juste te dire que j’adore de plus en plus te lire ! Je te sens plus vraie, et j’aime beaucoup te lire sur tes nouveaux centres d’intérêts :)
Belle vie à LA !
Dearest Garance,
Thank you for all your honesty and bravery in sharing – your voice means so much in a day and age when there are lots of voices telling us that women can have it all if they wanted which sometimes only causes more stress because you wonder why you cant. Thank you for reminding us that sometimes we may be in some state of depression but not realize till we’re out of it, or in a different location. I think we’re all been there – the losing your sense of humor bit, and being overly self conscious. I really admire your courage to admit, but also take the necessary time to recover and share the lessons that you learnt. MERCI BEAUCOUP! Keep being the beautiful, honest you. You are very loved. Big hug, Rui
Chère Garance,
Tout d’abord je dois dire que je suis très heureuse de te lire à nouveau sur ce blog et de savoir que cela continuera.
Ta lettre sur Jenny m’a énormément touchée mais je n’étais pas sur de trouver les mots pour te l’écrire. Te lire à nouveau ici m’a finalement décidée.
Je ne m’étendrai pas sur ma vie personnelle mais ta lettre y fait tellement résonance que je voulais te remercier d’avoir partager ton expérience avec nous.
Ce type de témoignage est bien rare malheureusement; notre société actuelle se targue de laisser les femmes libres mais en ce qui concerne la maternité les vieux travers reviennent vite et subir cette pression au quotidien de personnes qui pourtant ne vous veulent que du bien est parfois difficile.
Un grand merci à toi.
J’ai hâte de lire la suite de tes aventures.
Dear Garance,
I was so so moved by your Lennyletter because I’ve been through it all.
Working as a midwife I know lots and lots of women who have been through all kinds of fertility-treatments, but being in this thing yourself is quite different.
First attempt was five years of “trying” (monitoring, IUI etc.) and in the end IVF which worked out at the first attempt. We were so lucky having a wonderful daughter. Well, two years later we decided we wanted a second child. Having four embryos left we went for cryo and I became pregnant right away, then had a miscarriage on the exact evening of our first ultrasound. Seeing your babies heart beat and hours later loosing it was damn hard.
And though I didn’t want any more IVFs because they’re so stressful we did two more, but I didn’t get pregnant.
So we said ‘Okay, that’s it. We should be happy with what we got’
Last December I went to see an OB/GYN who does only TCM She was recommended to me by my “bff” who had seen her as well and has some friends that got pregnant after having been treated by her.
I immediately felt connected to her warm, kind and understanding way. We talked for nearly an hour, she prescribed some chinese herbs and told me to get in touch if there were any questions/problems etc.
Three months later I got pregnant. Just like that.
When I was 14 weeks pregnant we found out that the baby does not only have a congenital heart defect but also Trisomy 21 and her chance to survive the next weeks was 50%.
It was like the world was falling apart right under my feet.
But as the days went by it was exactly like you said “when you go through difficult times, especially as a couple, you realize how magical life is”
Since there was absolutely nothing we could do for the growing baby inside of me we realized what a wonderful life we already had. And that all the beauty in it wouldn’t be gone if we’d loose this child, however precious ist felt to us. And that we have to hold on to the people and things we love and take care of them every single day. I learned to value every friend (and of course my husband and daughter) and what they already meant to me and my life, all the good times we shared and all the bad times we’ve been through together and will go through together.
Because life is so much more than focusing on just one single thing.
Now I’m 29 weeks pregnant and our little girl is doing better than anyone would have expected her to. I’m looking forward to carry her at least 8 more weeks and hope she’ll be as tough outside my womb as she’s been inside so far. With a major heart-surgery to go through when she’s about 8-12 weeks old I know we haven’t been through the hard times yet and probably never will be.
But we’ve come a long way already which has taught me so much about life and myself, my man and all the people around me and I know however hard it will get, I’m not alone in this and life will always be magical. Sometimes the magic is just not where you expected it to be.
There are lots of ways you can nurture or be creative in this life,not only by being married or having children.Also looking around generally it seems not everybody is that good at it either!
Amazing to hear from you again! But very glad you took a break to recharge and come back in your same, vivacious, honest manner.
What a wonderful post! My husband and I decided in our early 30s that we did not want children. We never tried to get pregnant so I won’t even pretend to understand how stressful fertility issues can be! I can tell you that at 40 I have never regretted not having children. I know women in their 50s and 60s that chose to not have children, for many reasons, that feel the same way. Life without children is exciting, spontaneous, free, and whatever you want it to be. There are a million ways to ‘give back’, mentor, teach, etc. that does not involve having your own children…you already do some of that on your blog!! Welcome to the club!
Garance,
Your story really resonates with me. I am French and been living in Southern California for 20 years!
I went through fertility treatments 4 years ago ( I was 39) and decided to stop after a few months. It was a difficult time both physically, emotionally and even financially, felt I aged 20 years in 6 months!!! Peri menopause or menopause are not words we are excited to hear about at first! I was like: what! Already!
But I feel anew now, still happy with my husband of 20 years ….not thinking about having my own child anymore and at peace with it, enjoying babysitting my friends kids :) I feel stronger physically, started to run and did my first half marathon in February. The toll of the treatments was hard on my body and it took me a while to feel better. It feels good to move on…life has so much to offer and being open to new ways of living is the key.
Thanks for sharing your story, there are many of us out there :)
Olivia
So beautifully xxx
Although we are complete strangers, (I did bump into you at a Starbucks in Paris back in 2012 and totally gushed at you) your writing is so open, it’s hard not to feel acquainted to you. So it is nice to “hear” from you again. Sincerely sorry to hear about your fertility issues (I suffered through fertility treatments as well). I read your Lenny letter, read this post and your Instyle article and I felt the urge to tell you that you are brave, self-aware, and so generous to share your experiences and feelings with us. Thank you for sharing – your writing inspires me every time I read it. Women go through so many reincarnations throughout life and as I am in the midst of going through one now, I fully appreciate reading about your journey and knowing that in the end, everything will work out. Wishing you continued success and happiness!
When I came across your Lenny letter I stopped what I was doing and gave it my full attention, because it was your voice again and it was beautifully moving. (I immediately sent it to my best friends.) Since then I’ve thought about that letter a lot. Like everyone else has said, we need more voices talking candidly about the array of female experience. When you wrote what you did, so many of us felt seen!
Because, talk about the judgement! Society criticizes women for openly desiring a family in her twenties – “you’re too young!” – and then patronizingly reminds those same women that the clock is ticking. And all the while we’re supposed to grin and bear it. It’s a tightrope walk and crazy-making. We need to make our supportive voices louder to drown out the judgements! To each her own!
The other sentiment I want to echo is joy to read your voice again. (For a while now I immediately check the author of the post and am disappointed when it’s not you.) TBH I had figured Atelier Dore blog had simply become a longer-format Instagram, and that you’d moved on to other projects, like creative people do (and which is your right :) ).
Finally, I spent the last two evenings before I went to sleep reading the comments section. Your readers, especially the ones compelled to comment here, are lovely people with valuable thoughts. Thanks to all of you for taking the time.
Hugs all around,
Manuela
Garance… Welcome back !
J’ai 27 ans, je suis heureuse dans ma vie perso comme pro, j’ai une vie bien remplie et je suis entourée de gens qui m’aiment, mais je commence à être une des rares célibataires dans mes copines et reçois de plus en plus d’invitations à des mariages ou des faire parts de naissance. J’ai l’impression que pour “réussir ma vie” et “être heureuse” la société (moi y compris) m’impose d’inclure dans mes plans une relation stable avec un homme me permettant d’avoir des enfants. Je rêve d’avoir des enfants. Mais je ne sais pas quand ni comment cela se passera, si cela se passe. Et j’aimerais entendre aussi d’autres scenarios, moins typiques, comme le tien. On peut faire sa vie autrement, on peut être heureux autrement, par choix ou alors par concours de circonstance. Ton témoignage est superbe, tu conserves cette franchise et cette douceur de coeur que tu as toujours laissés transparaître dans tes posts depuis… un peu plus de 10 ans maintenant je crois ? Ton évolution et tes choix ont l’air de t’avoir emmenée vers une “happy place” et j’espère que ton chemin continuera dans ce sens. Et que tu pourras continuer à partager tout ça avec nous, parce que c’est toujours un réel bonheur de te lire ! A ce propos, question sans rapport avec le reste : quand tu écris tes posts, tu les écris en anglais ou en français maintenant ? J’imagine que vivant aux US depuis quelques années maintenant, tu “penses en anglais” très aisément, mais je me demandais sur les sujets qui sont un peu plus… touchy / de coeur, ce n’était pas plus facile de s’exprimer dans sa langue maternelle ?
En tous cas, merci pour tout ce que tu partages !
Louise
Oh Dear Garance!
I’ve been reading your blog for so many years already (probably 9?) And it is always a pleasure for me in the morning to open the page and see the text from you. It was such a diffuclt time for you and you did a right thing- stay in shadow for a moment to appear again strong and happy! I’m so glad for you now and wish yo so much happiness no matter which way it will be. Just please go on and share your humour, your light with us!
Hi Garance, so good to hear from you. I wish you alle the best, whatever that may be in the flow of life! I follow your blog for so many years, and so often your story went all along with my own (following my love to America, breaking up at almost the same time, meeting a new man and fiançailles at almost the same time as yours… also almost the same age… sometimes it was so funny!) So, having the same age, I met the same “at your age, you’ll have to begin treatment as soon as possible.. so and so..” speeches from my doctors when we decided in January 2016 to try for a baby (beeing together just 5-6 month at that time ;-)). Luckily, we gave us three month just like that, trying with good old lovemaking, no fuss. When I had some pain in my lower belly in march my doctor prescribed some anti bacteria pills (!!) and didn’t even realize what I realized after two more weeks + some days thinking I had the flu (totally weak body) + finally beeing late with me period for 8 days: I was actually pregnant!! I have to say, because of all the pressure about my age (child could be handicapped and all this stuff) and the dangerous first 3 month, I couldn’t really enjoy all of this luck till in the second semester and more. So much pressure, so many doctors always warning you for too many things, taking multiple tests and whatsoever. We finally have a wonderful baby, even birth was comparably easy, and I really wonder if all this pressure talk and fear of something bad happening was necessary. I wish you all the luck there is, with or without child!! Love from Berlin, Uli
Garance thank you for sharing heart touching and moving story about your life.
Thank you for encouraging us and for teaching us that being a woman is much more than being having children. That doesn’t define us. I understand what you been through and I can only applaud and admire your courage to confront those difficulties and say hey, there is so much more to live out there.
I send you lots of good vibes and happiness,
Adriana
http://www.voila-madame.com
Thank you for sharing this and for your Lenny Letter. Long ago, I too tried and failed to have a baby. In the end it turned out I had stage 4 endometriosis and, instead of a child, I had a full hysterectomy at age 36. For a period of time after that, my husband and I pursued adoption. We were pretty far down that path when I started acting in a way that, in retrospect, made it pretty clear this was not what I wanted to do. This was a crisis time in our marriage and we came pretty close to losing it all. My husband, like Chris, was following my lead, and where I was leading us was to an unhappy place in our lives together. In the end, we made it through everything, including the damage we had both caused to our marriage, and ended up in a much stronger place as partners and as individuals, for which we are both eternally grateful. I think the thing that strikes me most about my own experience is that I don’t even know that I particularly wanted children in the first place. I have friends and family members that have had trouble conceiving and/or have been unable to have children and I know what that deep hunger to be a parent looks like. Looking in the mirror, that wasn’t/isn’t me at all. I was, to some extent, just following the map drawn out by those who have gone before me – love, marriage, children. I truly sympathize with those men and women who want children and cannot have them, but I also embrace those, myself included, who are perfectly happy without them and I am happy to live in a time where it feels more like a choice and less like a stigma. I am happy for you that you are feeling at peace with where you are in this moment. I also wanted to touch on your remark about deciding not to be shy anymore because I had the exact same experience at the end of our no-baby story. It coincided with me taking a new job, in part because I was worried that my marriage was crashing and burning and I needed more money to be able support myself in the unhappy case of a divorce. When I took that job, I knew I was going to be put in all kinds of circumstances that would be extremely uncomfortable for this introverted, shy woman. I treated it as a Kamikaze mission and threw myself into the experience with everything I had, which did not feel like not much at the time. Seventeen years have passed and I feel like a different person, a happier person, a better person for the experiences, including the not so good ones – still introverted, but stronger than my younger self, and accepting and honest about who I am. Best wishes to you.
I want to leave a super nice comment regarding the fertility issues but I can’t talk about it. I just can’t. I can’t even leave a comment here. It’s something so personal and makes me feel so cold and lonely that it even took me a few days to read your Lenny letter. I was afraid of it.
But! On a more positive note, I can tell you that I’d love to see more illustrations in the website. When I started following you a gazillion years ago, I did because I was always looking forward to your illustrations. I remember following the work of Jordi Labanda, the only artist I knew at that time that was doing something similar (maybe it’s not similar, sorry if that’s a nonsense or it offends you or something but I don’t know much about illustration, I just like it) I would buy all the magazines where he published and when I discovered your blog I thought that it was great! A dose of beautiful art on my screen! So, seeing your art work again on the screen would be lovely!
This is so moving, Garance… I’m speechless.
A great place for a future retreat would be Rio! The Fasano! I know you’ve been there. I live in Buenos Aires, so near… I would go, no doubt!
XX
D
I just want to say your piece brought tears to my eyes… How painful it is to keep our lives trying to fill all the boxes as you said! And it is true “We’re complete even if we don’t check all those stupid boxes.” even though every where we look says otherwise. It is pretty painful and a burden I guess specially for young women. We are sooo much more than a job, a relationship, a size, or what ever…
At 40 I had a hysterectomy, it was not what imagined but life happens. People still “look” at me as if I am missing same big secret. I am 51 now and fortunately I made peace with it a while ago.
Hi Garance!
Also living in Los Angeles! Thank you for your openness and strength to write about fertility. Fertility seems to be a scary world from the outside in. I had a short visit to that world with my husband during the summer. In April my husband was diagnosed with cancer. As a couple in their early 30s we quickly faced the question of procreating. We had talked about it in the past, and put off trying because we had really enjoyed our life as is. Not to mention wanting to get all out financial and career goals to a good place. With only 2 days between his diagnosis and the start of his chemotherapy, we didn’t have much time to research preserving his sperm. The doctor assured us the treatment had a low rate of wiping out his fertility, and considering everything else we had on our plates we decided to forgo the preservation. Fast forward 2 months later and a not so successful pet scan, his doc recommended we get on the next line chemo which had a higher toxicity and chance of wiping him completely of his fertility. Faced again with a quick few days to figure this out, he decided we needed get to a clinic. I felt horrible for him. Hadn’t we been through enough? Now the pressure of his only shot at preserving his maybe future kids. I was proud of his strength to even get through that day, despite his low sperm count. (Low enough where the bank asked us if we were sure we wanted to preserve the sample). Not only do you have to deal with the emotional side, but there is also the financial part of it. Thankfully there are programs out there that will pay for preservation, but the cost still may deter those who are burdened with expensive copays and living on one spouse’s salary.
We’ve had several conversations on how we’ll proceed once he is cleared. We will try and see if we can get pregnant au natural, and if that doesn’t work maybe one or two tries with IVF using his preserved sperm. Then after that? Maybe more pets, travel, enjoying just each other and maybe adoption. We’ve witnessed some of our friends endure the excruciating pain of the fertility world, and we honestly just don’t want that. We’ve endured enough pain for a lifetime.
Life is a true bitch sometimes, but you lean on your loved ones and hold them close and enjoy what you have.
Fertility and life are quite complicated. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that it’s ok to be human and open up to our support systems of partners, friends, and family.
Much love and hugs to you Garance!
I’m writing this way too late but you go, girl!
I’m sorry to hear about all the internal battles you went through but am super happy for you that you came out stronger and happier for it, despite not always getting what you had hoped for, but perhaps you got what you needed.
May hope and love be with you always (the good kind, not the despairing kind)
XOXO
Kai
Glad to have you back – and to hear that your wellbeing has been nourished and tended to. Looking forward to hearing your insights and watching your creativity unfold again. X
Ok i hereby grant you unlimited free hug token to be used anytime you find yourself in Kuala Lumpur.
Ok?
I could use some too hahah.
xoxo
from one single girl whom is also complete (but sometimes forgot that she is) :)
cela fait plusieurs années que je suis ton blog mais je n’ai jamais osé commenter … Mais là, c’est différent car cela fait tellement plaisir de retrouver à nouveau ta plume ! Je continuais à suivre ton blog mais il me manquait juste le Garance’s flair, cette authenticité, cette sincérité que tu as avec tes lecteurs mais aussi avec toi-même. Tout cà nous avait manqué. J’ai lu ton post sur la lenny letter et maintenant avec celui-ci, cette absence et ce silence font complètement sens. Je ne m’étendrai pas sur le sujet mais je sais ce que l’on ressent quand la vie décide de nous retirer ce que nous avions ou de ne pas nous donner ce qui nous désirions. J’admire ta résilience. Tu as trouvé en toi la force et les ressources nécessaires pour sublimer cette douleur et la dépasser pour mieux aller de l’avant. Merci encore pour ce partage et j’ai hâte de lire des prochains posts …
I remember now, at one of the last visits to the IVF centre, walking slowly in, feeling that it was not going to be all right, almost whispering to my husband that I would have had imagined that I would got cancer but not infertile…… Starting with two big cyst in my ovaries, having endometriosis, operations, toxics hormones, flames getting out of my mouth (!!), having high hopes, having no hopes, my arms looking like a drug addict due to the blood tests, the dull eyes looking back at me in the mirror asking million questions , throwing one criticism after another, burying me deeper and deeper!. Ohh Garance, you are such a beautiful soul on this earth, it broke my heart reading your story. I was following that you’ve been pretty distant lately but would have never imagined that this was the reason. I wish I could give you a big hug now. Tears do not dry from one month to the other, give yourself time, a lot of time.
Sending you lots of love. B.
Bonjour Garance,
J’ai lu votre article sur l’infertilité avec beaucoup de compréhension et de compassion. La question : et alors vous attendez quoi ? Je trouve cela terrible, les gens ne devraient jamais demander car on ne sait jamais ce que vit la personne en face.
Nous avons attendu 1 année et demi avant que je tombe enceinte, c’est finalement arrivé, naturellement, une chance inouïe. Les gens qui savaient qu’on essayait (peu de monde) disaient, tu verras, vous partez 2 mois en Asie ca va vous faire du bien… oui je suis tombée enceinte mais ces paroles étaient à ce moment là terribles, une pression supplémentaire ! Ça a été très difficile, comme tu dis, chaque mois, l’arrivée des règles et le désespoir en même temps.
Et finalement note Axel est là, je vais pas te mentir, un merveilleux sentiment, un amour infini. ET pour dire vrai un monde qui change, un couple mis à l’épreuve, encore, une vie transformée, plus ou plus beaucoup de sortie, de la fatigue, en bref plein de positif et aussi il faut le dire de négatif et un sacré chamboulement !
Tout ça pour te dire qu’une vie sans enfant est une autre vie mais une VIE et c’est le plus important ! Le destin nous choisi un chemin, semé d’embûches mais adapté à nous… je me rend compte que je n’arrive pas à te vouvoyez ?.
Je te souhaite pleins de bonheur, autres que la maternité ! Prend soin de toi, soi positive comme tu sais l’être.
Beaucoup d’amour ??.
Vanessa
Dear Garance, I have never left a comment on anything in my life as a reserved English woman. I have been an avid reader from the beginning and am moved to post this today. Do whatever you know is the right thing for you and your future, however as an adopted child and just spent 2 days with a 52 yr old friend with a gorgeous 3 yr old (3 months in) recently adopted child, there are so many happy outcomes. Not for everyone but so interesting to see it from both sides. I wish you so much happiness in your future, whatever that brings and so appreciate how you have so generously shared all of what you have experienced so far. Your message of empathy is wonderful. X
relax. Do your thing. Know that you are a mother already. A mother of great style and charm to all your followers.
Dear Garance,
Three things
– I, like the psychic, believe that nothing is physically preventing you from having a child. But consulting a doctor and going through all this stress made it impossible for you to conceive. Doctors are evil!
– You’re so very lucky to have Chris. He is a good man. He loves you no matter what.
This to me is so much more valuable than having a child. You can always find a way to have a child if you really want to. But a life partner, that is also a lover and a best friend? That doesn’t happen to many
– I’m sending you a lot of positive vibes. You’ve always attracted happiness. I’m glad to have seen it return to your life. Big hugs!
Dearest Garance,
I have been following your blog since 2009 when I was resolving emotional turmoils myself. You express your thoughts so beautifully in writing it touches so many of us who read them. I only met and spoke with you a mere few minutes during your book tour to SF but the moment will linger indelibly because you are so relatable. Any addition(s) in your life will only be so blessed as to have found encompassing love and be embraced as family.
XO from SF.
Kin
Thanks for your heartfelt piece. I think you need to get back to Corsica for a spell. Too many changes in locale too fast. Europe/USA so vastly different. Take care G!
Janine
Merci Garance pour ton témoignage qui m’a mis les larmes aux yeux et me donne encore plus de force pour assumer mes choix. Je dis “mes choix” mais en fait c’est plutôt une prise de liberté assumée de justement ne pas choisir et laisser la vie me réserver des surprises, vivre chaque instant et profiter de ce que j’ai sans regarder ce que je n’ai pas et “devrait avoir à mon âge”. Ca n’est pas facile de dire “oui peut être que je n’aurai pas d’enfant et Ca n’est pas grave!” et d’être comprise. Auparavant je partageais absolument TOUT avec mes amies, pendant des heures, on se conseillait et on me paraissais alignées sur nos envies et désirs de vie. Aujourd’hui je vis mes amours à fond et je m’éclate mais cela ne me fait pas construire un nid stable pour me marier et avoir des enfants…et pourtant je suis heureuse ! Mais autour de moi j’ai souvent des réactions qui cherchent à me faire entendre qu’en fait je me trompe, je renonce, je n’essaye pas… alors qu’en fait je suis dans une phase où j’ai l’impression que je m’ouvre à d’autres possibilités, d’autres aventures et que tout est possible.
Merci encore pour ton témoignage et ton honnêteté.
My dear Garance,
You don’t know me. I am 43 and single; I would love to have children, it is probably too late. There are very few articles that I find honest and also make me feel human, soft (and by the way I am a psychiatrist and psychotherapist: I know the jargon, the theories, the analysis, the pain).
I hope that your essential kindness, strength and openness will see you through. Oh and love, that complex elusive creature.
Sending you a hug from far-away September London
xxx
Anastasia
So good to hear your voice again. Thanks for sharing.
Dear Garance,
Thanks a lot for this and for the Lenny Letter, I can understand how hard is to talk about this. I’m a little bit older than you, I passed through a similar experience, I had several abortions. The last one was 2 months after my 40th birthday, I was in the hospital, my husband laid beside, we were alone, we had long stopped telling our families about my pregnancies.
Through pain, sadness and fatigue, my body was telling me clearly: I can’t go through this again. I shared this thought to my husband. He told me that he was tired to see me sad and in pain, and he felt ready to accept that simply we could not have a child. We could be happy without a child, I can’t be happy if you are in pain.
Life with children is not what parents expected, let me tell you that also a childless life, for a couple who tried hard to have one, is not what you expect.
I expected a divorce that didn’t happen, my husband and I grew closer during this experience. I expected a thin layer of sadness covering everything, a constant regret. It didn’t go this way, slowly I ended up embracing fully the opportunities that opened around me. Of course I think about it every now and then, I wonder if I had to endure one or two more time, but I trust my body, it’s my lifelong companion.
Sometimes someone hurts me, with some judgemental insensitive comment, but I also find everywhere sisters that I didn’t know to have.
One day an acquaintance brought to his home and introduced me to his teenager girls. We entered in this fantastic land that is a teenagers’ bedroom. The thought that I would never have a room like this in my house made me sad, but you never know what’s behind the corner…Next year a niece will stay with us for 6 months, so hopefully my guest room will be incredibly messy for a while.
Garance, having children and bring them up is an extremely tiring and extremely rewarding experience, but your life will be full of rewarding experiences anyway, don’t forget it. A big, big hug for you and Chris
Dear Garance, I am really happy that you are back writing to us!
I read your Lenny letter and I have to thank you! It is so important to think about the pressure to be a mother, not only a woman. And I also think, that this pressure prohibits a lot of babies.
I know all this: doctors, eggs closely monitored, hormones…nothing had worked.
My husband and I sat there one day, looking at each other and knowing: we don’t want that any more, nothing of that. I was 42…
Now I am 48 and we have two wonderful kids. A boy and a girl, and every evening when we do our last round through the house and looking into their faces while they are sleeping, we look at each other and are more thankful than we can describe.
But we also know: our love is the base of that all and we have this wonderful present to love each other for such a long time. We had made it, anyhow, anyway.
I wish you, Chris and Lulu all the best and that our love will be the base of everything what has to come!
Almut
Coucou Garance, je dois avouer que je suivais plutôt sporadiquement le blog ces derniers temps et en tombant sur cet article j’ai eu envie de te laisser un petit message pour te dire à quel point je trouvais ça courageux de ta part de te livrer à coeur ouvert et d’aborder un sujet aussi délicat que le désir (ou non désir d’enfant) lorsqu’on est un femme occidentale. Je te souhaite plein de bonne chose pour la suite :-) Tu vas te reconstruire, one day at a time comme disent les américains.
Thank you for opening up, Garance! I am glad you can say that life isn’t just about looking fabulous in amazing locations, and that there is more to you and all of us.
Look at this beautiful community you have created, Garance. Looking through the comments, your responses, it is evident how deeply your story resonates with so many woman, and how your candor and warmth have provided a space for honesty and healing for others. You continue to encourage and inspire me, as your blog has deepened, changed, grown, expanded. Through all of that growth your voice has stayed so true and so recognizable. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I love what you’ve created and continue to create. All the best to you in this exciting fresh new chapter of your life.
Dear dear dear Garance, the Lenny piece may be the best piece that you have written. It brought tears to my eyes… I am a 52 year old woman, I have a ‘complete’ life with my wonderful husband. We are a ‘childless’ couple. When I heard somebody describe us once as such it made me so angry! There are so many ways to describe a woman, a couple. There are so many ways that a woman can lead a fulfilling and interesting life, connecting with others. There is no need for a woman to defend herself and to explain why she has no children, there can be many different (painful) reasons behind it, and it is nobody’s business, unless she decides she wants to share them. I am so sorry that you had to go through this painful time. The good thing is that you found yourself again, and I am sure that whatever happens and whatever you decide to do, your life will be wonderful and fulfilling, with or without children. It’s because you take the time to reflect and make choices that fit you as a person. I am happy that Chris is the kind of man that does not have to have children to feel successful. Furthermore -did you notice?- some of the best couples are childless, so it can be far from a second-rate life. I will keep on following you (have been there almost since the beginning), this was such a good message (painful as it was to read what you had to go through), it was so honest, strong and inspiring. Am very curious now how your life and your views will evolve. Soon glad you moved away from the fashion shows, maybe you became too much of a fashion person yourself. You don’t need that, you are better. Love love love this, just think of all the wonderful things that can happen in your life. Thank you!!! Big kiss, a renewed fan!!!
Chère Garance, c’est tellement agréable de te lire à nouveau. Au-delà de ce que tu as créé avec ton équipe, avec qui vous parvenez à produire un site vraiment chouette, gai, hétéroclite et agréable à lire, ta voix et ton regard reste ce qui me fait venir ici. J’aime ces longs posts qui prennent un vrai temps de lecture, qui ne sont pas juste des brèves un peu ludiques mais bien des moments de réflexion et de partage. J’aime ta façon de décrire les choses, ton ouverture et ta capacité à nous faire participer à ta réflexion (qui rencontre bien souvent celle que l’on à nous-mêmes, et ces échos aussi font du bien). En effet tu trouveras ta façon à toi d’être heureuse, sans qu’elle n’entre dans une norme à tout prix. Au-delà des enfants, moi j’ai vraiment la sensation que ce qui me rend heureuse au quotidien c’est d’avoir trouvé une personne que j’aime tellement pour partager ma vie, et ça… tu l’as. Je t’embrasse. Bravo. Merci.
Je te demande pardon, j’ai été de ces lourdingues qui sentaient bien cette envie d’enfant chez toi et qui faisaient des allusions sans finesse.
Que dire? D’abord que j’ai autour de moi plusieurs cas de copines dans ton cas. L’une d’elle a vécu un enfer, on lui disait qu’elle était infertile, et que son compagnon l’était aussi. Ils avaient vécu 15 ans ensemble, le couple parfait qu’on voyait ensemble pour le reste de leurs jours. Sauf que la pression montait de part et d’autre, et qu’elle se percevait comme “la-copine-de-V.-qui-ne-peut-pas-avoir-d’enfant”. Elle a fini par partir, dans la douleur bien sur, mais c’était trop insupportable. Quelques mois après, elle a rencontré quelqu’un et est tombée enceinte (parce qu’elle ne se protégeait pas, pensant que de toute façon…). Elle a accouché cette semaine de leur 2ème enfant.
Une collègue aussi, même topo, double stérilité, suivie à Paris par le Pr. Friedman, a réussi à avoir une fille après des années de galère (FIV, etc.). On lui avait dit d’en profiter, elle n’aurait pas d’autre chance. Et elle est tombée enceinte à nouveau sans s’y attendre 2 ans plus tard.
Bref, les mystères du corps et du psychisme…
Si l’envie est si forte de partager son amour, l’adoption est un don si grand aussi. Un coupe d’amis gays franco-brésiliens a adopté deux petits brésiliens (7 et 9 ans), quelle lumière et quelle joie dans leur foyer! (quel bazar aussi…)
Puis il n’y a pas d’obligation à avoir d’enfant!
Je crois que le plus dur est de ne pas perdre de vue l’amour que vous avez l’un pour l’autre et l’écoute pour avancer ensemble avec pragmatisme.
Merci d’avoir osé dire tout ça, et merci d’être revenue écrire ici, sans toi, ce n’est quand même pas pareil.
Chère Garance,
Je commente assez peu (voire jamais ?) et je te lis pourtant depuis le début de ton blog. Par contre, je prends toujours le temps de lire les commentaires qui sont souvent passionnants et je te rejoins quand tu dis que nous sommes toutes soeurs quel que soit l’endroit où nous vivons ou nos vies si différentes.
Ta Lenny Letter m’a bouleversée. Avec des mots simples et justes, tu as su dire des choses universelles alors que tu parlais de l’expérience la plus intime qui soit, et c’est là tout ton talent. Merci pour ça. Moi, je fais partie de ces femmes qui n’ont pas voulu d’enfant et je peux te dire que c’est un choix difficile à assumer dans une société où il semblerait que la femme ne soit vraiment complète qu’en devenant mère. J’ai fait ce choix très jeune (pour des raisons très personnelles) et je ne l’ai jamais regretté. Et je pensais qu’en entrant dans la quarantaine (j’ai aujourd’hui 47 ans), on cesserait enfin de me juger et de me poser des questions déplacées, mais pas du tout. Ce choix continue de déranger, d’interpeler, et de susciter des réactions négatives parfois à la limite de l’agressivité. Et je trouve ça tellement dingue à mon âge de devoir encore me justifier sur le sujet. J’ai donc hâte de lire le post dont tu parles un peu plus haut sur le désir de ne pas avoir d’enfant. Et je terminerai avec ces mots de Jennifer Aniston dans la vibrante lettre ouverte qu’elle avait publiée dans le Huffington Post (et que je garde précieusement tout comme ta lettre) : “Nous sommes entières avec ou sans compagnon, avec ou sans enfant. C’est à nous de décider par nous-mêmes ce qui est bien pour nos corps. Ces choix nous reviennent, et à nous seules”.
Merci pour ta sincérité, Garance. Et beaucoup de bonheur pour Chris et toi !
Take care,
Pascaline
Chère Garance, voilà bien longtemps que je te suis. La PMA est un sujet qui me touche personnellement car nous avons fait 5 essais FIV. 4 tout d’abord après lesquels je me suis dit on arrête, on n’a pas besoin d’un enfant pour être heureux, et mon mari était d’accord. En sortant du rendez-vous bilan nous avons croisé une personne que nous connaissions et qui avait un garçon de 7 ans et la secrétaire nous a dit: “La pauvre, c’est dur pour elle (parce qu’elle n’arrivait pas à avoir un 2ème enfant et finalamennt se mettait à la PMA)”. Cela nous a mis assez en colère car nous sortions d’un parcours difficile et nous avons bien ruminé après cet évènement (alors que cette personne nous a tjrs paru sympathique mais nous ne pouvions pas comprendre sa souffrance). Bref on s’est dit stop, on revit pour nous 2 et on arrête tout ça, cette pression, etc. Un an après, même pas, nous recroisons cette personne avec un nourrisson dans les bras et la colère m’a reprise. Je me suis dis, on refait un vrai dernier essai avec le nouveau protocole et si ça ne marche pas, on aura essayé, tant pis. Ce coup-ci était le bon. Nous avons une magnifique petite fille de 4 ans et demi. Et je reste toujours aussi convaincu que, même si elle est la prunelle de mes yeux ainsi qu’à mon mari, nous pouvons être heureux sans enfants, ce n’est pas indispensable et je continue à me battre pour cette idée, pour la défendre. Maintenant, j’entend le discours que c’est difficile d’être enfant unique, etc. La quête de ce qui rend heureux peut être sans fin… Avec un enfant un couple se dispute bcp plus, est bcp plus fatigué et fait bcp moins de choses pour le couple slt. C’est un grand bonheur mais qui bouleverse d’autres choses qui apportaient aussi bcp de bonheur. Bref, je garde une sensibilité exacerbée concernant cette question de l’enfant clé du bonheur.
Hi Garance,
I had no idea bout your Lenny letter, so I have just read it now with tears in my eyes for all that you have been through and continue to go through. I have had my own share of heartbreak regarding failed pregnancies, premature babies and a body that seemed totally incapable of holding onto life. It is a terribly sad and lonely experience, one that is made so much worse by society – the glamour of pregnancy and the lack of any other side of this experience being told. I am so glad you are speaking up publicly for the other side. It would have given me great comfort to read this letter a few years ago. In almost everything that happened to me / us, I felt like I was the only person in the world who had been through this. It was such a incredible relief when other women spoke to me about their own losses, it made me feel less of a freak. Eventually I have taken from this experience an incredible sense of strength and knowledge, surviving this experience had been the greatest thing for me and my husband to achieve (so far) in our life together.
I am so glad again for your honesty and your voice. You have touched on a subject very close to my heart.
I wish you and Chris all the very best. xxx
Je suis contente de te retrouver :))))
J’ai moi aussi partagé mon expérience de maternité non réussie (et aujourd’hui ça me semble une évidence de ne pas avoir d’enfant, et je me dis heureusement que je n’ai pas réussi haha) (j’adore les enfants c’est pas le sujet, finalement je ne souhaitais pas avoir les contraintes de mère que j’ai trop vécues enfant) (brefbrefbref) sur ton Instagram. Et j’aime profondément ce sentiment de liberté, de faire ce que je veux et d’essayer tous mes projets et ceux qu’on a avec mon partenaire ! :D
J’ai bien compris ton point de vue sur les défilés et comme tu dis je n’ai pas été surprise car il me semble que tu le laissais passer dans tes posts (tu préférais y envoyer ton équipe je me souviens).
Comme toi au début de mes vacances je me suis pris le chou plusieurs jours avec mon ami, c’est ridicule, et puis après une grande discussion tout va bien, faudra que j’analyse ça un jour peut être.
Je suis trop contente de te retrouver et je sens bien dans ton ton que c’est la Garance joyeuse et créative (et intrépide) (Claude du club des 5) qui est de retour !! :D
xxxxxxx
Garance. I have followed you a long time. I love what you do, and how you show up. And last weekend I opened up the Sunday Times in the UK magazine and started reading your article and I cried. You basically told my story. It is almost identical. I met my now husband at 38, we started trying at 40. We spent a year, had 2 rounds of IVF and some additional ‘grade A’ embryos, and all 3 times I went through the implantations the consultant was really positive and encouraging. He talked about ‘next time’. But we were done. We didn’t have any more money unless we started using credit cards. We wanted to buy a home and stop renting. I had taken a step back from my business for a year as I couldn’t juggle the daily trips to the hospital, not knowing when i’d be ‘ready’. We made the decision to stop trying and be happy anyway. I know in my heart it was the right one, because we have each other and our life is great. We managed to buy a flat, my husband quit a job he didn’t love anymore and started something he does love, we took a sabbatical and travelled Asia for 3 months, we got a rescue dog. I have a business I love and its growing all the time. We are really happy. BUT every. single. day. I am reminded that I am different to almost everyone I know, as nearly everyone has kids. It’s something I know I will have to deal with for the rest of my life – right now it’s still new babies and pregnancies, first days of school, last days of school, exam results, going to university and soon it will be grandkids and the same cycle again. I am honestly really fine most of the time, but sometimes I allow myself to be jealous and feel sorry for myself. Then in the next day I can see friends with kids and how their lives are not their own, and feel we dodged a bullet. And that is life. Feelings changing moment to moment. But resding your story touched me so much as its just sometimes good to know that someone else gets it. I have never read about anyone who decided to stop treatment rather than being told they were at the end of the line. We are told that when we want something enough we can have it – keep on going, spending in the bottomless pit of debt to get the baby. And I do believe that if we had spent more money and had more cycles we would have a child. As it was possible, I conclude that I didn’t actually want a child enough. I wanted a child, but I didn’t REALLY REALLY want one. I think it is because I am a content person and knew in my heart can be happy with a child and happy without one, they are both just happy. I love my dog so much sometimes I cant believe I could have loved a child anymore than that! I have the feeling of love caring for him. I have a loving husband who is my best friend, and many relationships I see around me of my friends with kids are that the relationship with the other half is tolerating each other at best, as they have no time for each other anymore. Anyway, sorry for the ramble, but I wanted to say thank you for sharing. And I am sure you get, as I do still at 46, the ‘miracle baby’ stories from everyone who asks of you have kids and I say no, who try to give me hope, assuming I need it. I’m alright thanks. :)
You are truly MAGNIFIQUE!
You are so open and honest and REAL.
thank you xo
I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that to realize that Trying to have a baby and not being able to is an incredibly helpless and impotent feeling. You realize that you have control over many things in your life, but your fertility is not one of them. To make matters worse, getting pregnant is such a mystery to the medical community and their approach is completely backwards. They try to find everything that’s wrong with you and every appointment is filled with fear, feelings of inadequacy and helplessness. I listen to a blog you’ve recommended, La Poudre, and each time Lauren Bastide asks, “What is your relationship with your uterus?” All I can think about is how disconnected I was from it for so long and how my uterus was not only meant to have babies, it’s part if me, it is and only will be mine and as long as I take care of it and myself I’ll be ok. I hope that you’ll be ok as well and that what you’ve learned will only help to make you stronger and above all, proud of yourself. Je vous souhaitez plein bonheur Garance.
I teared up reading your Lenny Letter! You are still so lucky to find a man who will love you NO MATTER WHAT.
xoxo
Bonjour
ton témoignage m’a touché. J’ai vécu le parcours de la FIV il y a 14 ans, j’ai écrit un livre à compte d’auteur. Je serai ravie de te l’envoyer.
belle journée
Dear Garance,
Just to add to all the kind and thoughtful comments … it is your courage and honesty that keeps us all reading and following and loving your blog.
The fact that you share with us those exact moments that have made us all feel (at some point or another in our lives) like we are less than, or not as good as…or somehow failed at something, and admit those things felt bad, awful and tough is a rare thing indeed. Its not so much that misery loves company as it is that one finds strength in numbers, and while intellectually we all know that everyone goes through these things, emotionally we all feel isolated.
Thank you for this Lenny letter, and for that lovely piece about giving up fashion shows and also for simply being someone who tries to see herself clearly and honestly as much as possible.
Inspiring many of us to do the same.
warmly
Rymn
Cette lenny letter! Un texte tellement inspirant!
Je suis une fidèle lectrice trouvant votre blog captivant. Il est rare que je commente mais là, c’est différent…
Vous aimeriez que d’autres témoignent, s’expriment ouvertement sur leurs difficultés face à la maternité. Mon parcours serait trop long pour un commentaire mais j’aimerais beaucoup vous l’adresser. Chaque histoire est différente mais toutes se retrouvent à travers ces sentiments que vous décrivez si bien et que j’ai aussi vécus… Je n’ai pas la prétention que mon histoire vaut la peine d’être publiée mais elle peut peut être amener à réfléchir à la notion “d’enfant à tout prix” dans une société considérant que la femme n’est accomplie que lorsqu’elle est mère…
Comment vous écrire?
I wish you all the best
Beautifully written. Just thinking about the clinic I went to makes me shudder. The endless blood tests, ultrasounds, the continuous comments about your age. And the life you live within cycling; friends giving you space, the friends saying the wrong things, helpfully, but struggling for words, inevitably it’s not the response that would help. After doing it, frankly it is amazing to me how many of us go through it, cracking jokes and being so, so brave. But objectively, IVF is such an incomplete science, so invasive for women. There needs to be more written from the inside, like this, a call to remember our humanity and to remember that we are complete as we are. Thank you.
Beautifully written. Just thinking about the clinic that I went to makes me shudder. The endless blood tests, ultrasounds, the continuous comments about your age. And the life you live within cycling; friends giving you space, the friends saying the wrong things, helpfully, but struggling for words, inevitably feeling alone with your biological failure. After doing it, frankly it is amazing to me how many of us go through it, the horrors, cracking jokes and being so, so brave. There needs to be more written from the inside, like this, a call to remember our humanity and to remember that we are complete as we are. Thank you.
Bonjour Garance,
Je ne viens plus que très rarement rendre visite à la famille, mais j’aime remonter le fil des histoires.
De mon côté et comme d’autre je vais aussi apporter un témoignage celui d’un homme de 40ans qui s’entend dire quand il évoque ses rêves de famille et d’enfants: “mais tu est un garçon tu as le temps”. Je ne sais même pas si je peux ou pas en avoir, mais je sais que je ne veux pas être un vieux papa, j’ai envie de partager de long moments en famille et pas en faire des orphelins parce que j’ai eu envie d’enfants tard. Ce qui étonne, mais laisse quand même perplexe, un jour et j’espère pas si proche, je prendrai la même décision que vous celle être heureux en famille (être à deux c’est déjà une famille pour moi).
Des bise
PS: C’est toujours drôle de te lire et de vivre des choses similaire… (je sort moi aussi du période difficile, d’ailleurs j’ai toujours pas lu ton livre…)
oh Garance, just popped over to the Lenny letter after reading this. i hope your shiny penny hawaii feeling has legs- that eclipse was a strong one and you deserve the space and time to heal from what a year!
thank you for writing your experience. i’ve felt guilty about having a baby and then at times absolutely hating being a mom (post partum depression, a kid who had some health probs very much part of the cause). turns out guilt is equal opportunity for us women!
your voice is so refreshing and necessary. please do another morocco trip! somehow i missed it and would love to do one with you :)
Garance, I was gobsmacked when I read this post! You are so brave to write and share what you and Chris have been through. I cried while reading, my beautiful sister who’s story is so similar to yours, has been going through this for 3 years, while fighting severe Endometriosis and is right where you are now as well, she’s broken, exhausted, her and her partner have put their life on pause for 3yrs, now they need to make that decision, whether to stop, or do we try one more time? My heart aches for her as we come from a family of 4 daughters, family means a lot to us all!!! She’s the funny, crazy aunty all our kids love being around. Life can just be SO unfair! I’ve forwarded your post onto her, as I know reading your words will give her comfort, knowing she and her partner are not alone. THANK YOU, THANK YOU for sharing, this is why you’ll always be my favorite originally blogger, with all the craziness that goes on in the internet world, you are honestly a shining star!!!!
La Lenny Letter est vraiment superbe, j’ai adoré, et la fin est parfaite à mon sens, c’est ça un happy ending pour moi, c’est quand on accepte ce qui est, le plus humblement et ouvertement possible, le bonheur ne vient pas de l’extérieur, d’un événement ou autre, il vient bien de notre perception des choses, il vient de l’intérieur, on ne le dira jamais assez. Le bonheur, c’est pas, enfin, d’avoir eu un bébé, c’est de réaliser qu’il est temps de prendre soin de nous et de nous aimer, telle que l’on est. Avec ou sans bébé par la suite.
En tant que trentenaire, je ne me sens pas incomplète de ne pas avoir d’enfant, je me sens complète en co-créant ma vie, en vivant mes passions, et en étant émerveillée par la vie, et je me sentirais incomplète si je cédais à des pressions de conformisme ou de conventions sociales, parce qu’alors cela voudrait dire que j’aurais perdu une partie de moi en route… !
This was the most moving piece (Lenny) I have ever read from you Garance. It really resonated, as I am 39, freshly divorced and I always followed love more than any plans about family and stability. Now I am back in my home country after 10 years in NYC and I am facing so much pressure in this subject from people around me, it is quite shocking..As in NYC nobody would bother me about it… Thank you for showing me the light!