Dear Editor
6 years ago by
Over the next few months, I’d like to write letters to the things and people in my life. Some of the letters will be sweet and funny. Others, like the one you’re about to read below, will touch on deeper emotions, and I think the intimacy of the letter format will help me to explore them.
Where does harassment in the workplace begin and end? Is it possible to quantify suffering? How can we differentiate between someone making a stupid mistake, and a real bully? What can we accept and what should we refuse? Here’s a story exactly as I experienced it. I’ll let you be the judge.
Dear Editor-in-Chief,
I am not writing to present my work, because for a very long time now, I’ve had no desire to work for your magazine.
I am writing to remind you of an event you probably don’t remember, but it’s one that I’ll never forget.
It was at a fashion show in New York. I was sitting alone at the place I’d been assigned, quiet and a bit intimidated, as always. This wasn’t the first time I’d sat in the first row at a show, and while I was kind of proud of myself, I still couldn’t understand why people put so much importance on sitting there.
I had a hard time with all the attention I got there. People stared at me, took my photo. I told myself I was lucky.
But I never wanted to admit that being there made me feel fragile.
I wanted to be strong. I believed in what I was doing. I knew the internet was the future. That being placed there in the first row, even if it was sometimes a difficult position to be in,
made total sense.
I’d never felt thin enough, or perfectly dressed enough. Or “important” enough – I was certain I was a bother to some people. I had not, like so many editors in the room, climbed the ladder step by step, going from assistant to editor. I didn’t have a team around me to protect me. I came out of nowhere. I was taking photos all the time, and that was annoying in the front row, where you were just supposed to sit, look chic, and watch all the figures passing by.
I knew very well that the front row was artificial, that it had no importance outside the confines of the front row. Sometimes I would reassure myself by telling myself that.
But most of the time, I was just waiting for the lights to go down and the show to begin. When that time came, I finally knew what I was doing there.
But this particular day, the show wasn’t starting. It was a long wait, much too long. I was sitting there, waiting and waiting.
Then, you arrived – tall, thin, impeccably dressed, walking like a king. Behind you was your court. On your face, self-satisfaction, self-importance, with a touch of fake detachment.
Then suddenly you looked confused as you made your way to your seat. Furious. You turned red, paused, then turned on your heels.
You came back a few seconds later, escorted by a publicist who looked so scared her face was diving in her black blouse (the outfit of choice for publicists – you’d never want to overshadow the editors). You said a few words to her, which I couldn’t hear, but I quickly understood.
Dear editor, just writing these words to you makes my heart race with shame.
You had decided it wasn’t fitting for someone of your rank to be seated next to me.
The publicist made her way toward me, asking me to check that I had the right seat. We checked. That’s where I supposed to be, seated right next to you. Your team had been placed in the second row, as is the way at fashion shows.
Everyone was seated now, except for you and your publicist, dear editor. Everyone was watching us.
You threatened to leave the show if no one came up with a solution. All this you did, without ever once looking at me.
I sunk into my chair, mortified. I felt so fragile in the eyes of all these people. I felt less-than, minuscule, inadequate.
I was used to this kind of treatment, dear editor-in-chief. I knew that was the price to pay when you’re one of the first. The first bloggers to be placed in the front row, the first to believe luxury had a place online, the first to question a world with such well-established rules.
I’d already had doors slammed in my face, I’d been invited then uninvited. People had pretended not to recognize me, only to then decide what I was doing was important the next day, swooping in on me like an eagle catching its prey.
That’s the way it was. But that didn’t stop me from moving ahead.
In contrast, the people who were curious and open-minded were my heroes. The people who welcomed me, gave me advice, and helped me long before I became unavoidable.
And I have to tell you, dear editor, those people are now far more successful than you and your little army. They knew how to adapt. They evolved with the times. Some of them are now my dear friends. And others have no idea how much a simple smile brightened my path. Just a smile. It’s as simple as that.
I had always gone out of my way not only to ignore, but also to forgive ignorance and mean behavior. I understood. I understood that the fashion world was built on some unshakeable rules that I couldn’t be angry – it just took a little compassion, and an understanding that my fragility was a reflection of my own insecurities.
I kept moving forward, staying open, and trying to have a short memory when it came to grudges.
But that day, I’ll never forget.
The tension continued to build until there was no longer a sound in the room. All eyes were on us. You kept waiting with your arms crossed, looking revolted. You loudly threatened to leave the show.
It was ridiculous. I felt like I was in an arena. It was cruel. I wanted to disappear. And that’s exactly what I did.
From the second row, an arm reached out and offered me a seat, which I accepted.
Dear editor, you raised your nose, and did all you could not to look at me. You sat down on your plastic bench, right in front of me.
Your world had finally returned to normal. You didn’t have to sit next to someone who didn’t belong.
I spent the entire show looking at the back of your head, so terribly hurt by such inelegant behavior that I stopped thinking about you and started thinking about the direction my life was taking.
After the show, I probably left to go gobble down a scone at Chelsea Market next door.
That day, one of my dreams was crushed. The dream that style translates as elegance. Because stylish you are, dear editor-in-chief. But elegant, certainly not. And a king, even less.
A narrow-minded and cruel imbecile, that much is certain.
Dear editor, I will never take revenge on you for that day. My mother always told me life will take care of it, just continue to love, be happy, and stay open. I wonder why today is the first time I’ve ever spoken about this brief but painful moment.
Maybe because I have no reason to care about the front row anymore.
Maybe because at the time, I didn’t love myself enough to react with more confidence and pride.
Maybe because I was a bit ashamed and afraid, the kind of shame and fear you feel when you’re a child being bullied on the playground.
That’s why today I decided to write to you. Because I’ve grown up, and I’ve decided to stop making myself small.
Throughout my years at the shows, you never let up. You continued to ignore me, to turn your heels when someone had the misfortune of trying to introduce us. You pretended you had no idea who I was when someone far more important than you forced you to give in and shake my hand. There were times when your behavior was so absurd, no one could figure out what was going on. I continued to ignore your behavior. I even started to laugh about it.
And I, too, started to turn on my heels whenever I caught a glimpse of you in the crowd.
_____
A few months ago, I was at the airport when I saw your unmistakable silhouette in the distance.
You had aged. You were alone, and without your perfectly tailored suits, you looked like anyone else, just a little more lost. The world had changed around you. Your magazine getting slimmer every month, probably suffers enormously, because that’s what all magazines are going through these days.
Your privileges and gifts and all the press trips and all the obsequiousness you loved to surround yourself with were probably cut by the new economy which you refused to watch grow. And you probably eventually had to sit next to the new generation of people from the internet who are now expected to be in the front row. The people who, unlike me, never had to apologize or work to be accepted, or prove themselves to anyone.
And to whom I wish lots of success.
_____
And since I’m the type of person who always says hello to people I recognize, I saw you approaching. It took everything I had to resist my natural impulse to smile politely, despite all I think of you.
I saw you turn toward me, and for the first time in your life, looking at me and saying hello. I looked you right in the eyes and went on my way.
Maybe that’s nothing to you, but I suspect that after making every effort to project your feelings of inferiority on me (and on so many others, as I later discovered) this insignificant detail was probably a smack to your ego.
I hurried to catch my flight.
The world is much too big to waste any more energy than that on a bully.
Translated by Andrea Perdue
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Garance! this was one of the most amazing articles i have ever read on your blog.
empowering, gentle fascinating yet fragile, human. Thanks for sharing. we all have stories like this one and sharing it is one of the reasons that make your blog deep and unique! kisses xxx
Thank you so much. I guess when you start healing is when you’re finally able to express them. Hugs!
je pleure :)
Garance, Garance, Garance, vous trouvez encore le moyen de nous surprendre et nous toucher. Très beau post qui peut s’étendre à tellement de sujets, tellement de métiers, toutes les relations interpersonnelles en fait, et les relations qu’on entretient avec nous même aussi. Merci
Merci Chloé! C’est tellement vrai!
What a blessing to be public person :-D Don’t worry, Garance, it’s not about you, it’s about people that sent it. You are not responsible for their frustrations. Let it ho, delete it. Don’t think about it. Have a grand time, many regards :-)
“If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your ennemies will float by” Sun Tzu. Ton texte est magnifiquement écrit et si juste. Il est très personnel et pourtant il reflète et exprime cet esprit de “caste” si répandue dans tellement de milieux sociaux. Il faut une telle maturité pour ne pas se sentir crabouillée par ce genre d’individu. La confiance en soi est une aventure qui demande aussi des obstacles comme ce pauvre type. Chaque expérience vécue véhicule une forme d’ enseignement, à nous de grandir avec. Ton intelligence et ta compassion me touchent beaucoup. J’ai vécu une expérience très violente dans le travail, l’impression d’être dans une lessiveuse qui ne s’arrête plus, j’y ai fait des prouesses dont je me croyais incapable, et j’ai dû me défendre comme un tigre.
Merci beaucoup! Crabouillée, c’est exactement ça. Rien que d’y penser je sens encore mon cœur s’emballer…!
J’adore ta plume Garance, bravo !
I almost cannot believe what I am reading. It is great to see more people standing up against a world of illusion. As much as I like clothes, fabric and design I could never get the glossy magazine. They create fake aspirations and empty role models, push unrealistic beauty standards to the point these kill or make young miserable and they bully. Thank you for rising your voice.
Dear Vera, yes, totally – but I think there is a kinder way to do fashion, which is what we strive for at Atelier Doré :) – as far as everyday cruelty like what I describe, I really hope this changes as a part of a bigger picture movement towards more respect!
Garance, How brave of you to write this. How awful for you to have to go through that, more so in public. I appreciate how you kept your kindness which must have been impossibly difficult while living this and writing this, its very elegant of you to be direct but not say horrible things for the sake of revenge. Something I try to do myself and impress upon my children – to be kind, even in the face of a bully. I wonder now after reading this if the treatment we sometimes get as an adult might be worse then the teasing in school. Is it more hurtful now as adults when we are or trying to establish ourselves. Thank you for sharing this.
Dear Jennifer, yes! But this letter is also me learning to push back. Unexpressed pain and anger can be very hard for the soul. It’s all about learning how to express and channel it! :)
Chère Garance,
Merci pour cet article–si bien écrit et touchant! Lorsque j’ai travaillé pour le Elle Tchèque dans les années 90, j’avais le même ressenti d’écoeurement et c’est une des raisons pour laquelle j’ai fui le monde de la mode. Le snobisme et la cruauté gratuite sont toxiques pour tout le monde concerné. Les bloggers ont changé la donne, mais certains parmi eux sont aussi snobs et se cachent derrière leur smart phone et leur sens de pouvoir.
Ces jours-ci on est en train de vivre des changements énormes, surtout dans la presse écrite, y compris chez Vogue et Teen Vogue. Pour le première fois en parle ouvertement du harcèlement sexuel dans la mode, et montre du doigt certains photographes. Il y a du changement dans l’air…
Chère Rachel –
C’est incroyable le nombre de femmes que je connais qui ont quitté la mode pour cause de souffrances psychologiques diverses. Beaucoup d’entre elles se sont reconverties en thérapeutes, probablement parce qu’elles essayaient de trouver des réponses pour elles-même. Je vais en faire un post sur le blog, d’ailleurs!
Ce n’est pas que l’apanage de la mode seulement… ce sont de nombreux secteurs qui sont comme ça. J’ai vécu dans une agence de publicité où je travaillais comme DA une véritable humiliation en règle…où on m’a convoqué pour ” mauvaises odeurs”( Sans commentaire).
Quelques jours plus tard, mon propre supérieur, le Directeur Créatif s’est excusé d’avoir donné suite à ces accusations, de m’avoir convoqué pour rien, en me faisant comprendre de qui émanait la méchanceté d’une telle accusation infondée…mais le mal était fait. Je perdais tous mes moyens, je me sentais une DA nulle, je me bloquais complètement et je suis finalement partie de cette agence de pub dans laquelle j’avais tant rêvé bosser. Pour moi DA était la consécration, mais j’avais perdu l’envie de travailler dans ce secteur de manière irrémédiable…
Depuis, des années ont passé, mais je peux encore ressentir la honte cuisante -physique – l’envie de disparaitre, de ne plus exister que j’ai ressenti ce jour là. ton histoire Garance fait donc écho à la mienne aussi.
What a beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing. You have such elegance and seem to embody this idea: do not let the world make you hard and bitter.
Thank you Em!
Dear Garance:
Uffff, I feel so sorry for her, she must feel so much pain inside to inflict so much hurt to other people. Thank you for this piece. Shame cannot survive being spoken, we all should share these painful stories more often. Funny story: as soon as I finished reading the post, I came back to your book, to the page you talk about being ELEGANT, which always resonates with me. This person doesn’t meet any of those bullets points!
Much love to you.
Mercedes
@maisoncorazon
Thank you! Yes! True elegance means a lot to me and that’s what I describe in the book. First, treat all humans equally!
Bien dit Garance , bien tourné , bien écrit et surtout bien ressenti.
C’est difficile de ne pas devenir une haineuse avec de tels personnages et il y en a tellement!
je pense qu’on y arrive en restant fidèle à soi meme et en faisant confiance à la vie ! Cette fameuse roue , elle tourne un jour :))
Merci Sylvia!
This is the only reason I love the state of current affairs. We are finally not ashamed to talk about harassment. <3 you, Garance!
totally agree!
You, woman, are magic. The way you wrote this let me feel the shame you have felt in that horrible moment. I am so sorry this happened to you. Next to that, I absolutely love the illustration accompanying your story. Thank you for sharing.
Garance tu es belle (je t’ai rencontrée au bon Marché , oui tu es belle ! )
Tu es belle à l’intérieur aussi , cela se sent très vite
Reste comme tu es !!!
Victoire
Bravo!
That is a great article and touching to hear you share these feelings. It is nice to know I am not alone in these types of challenges. You handled with such dignity and I always think a quiet approach with knowing who you are, regardless of how others treat you, will give you strength and vision to do what you continue to do. Looking forward to seeing you in Marrakech!!! Hugs!!!
Garance, quelle belle lettre qui touche tout le monde. Qui n’a pas rencontre un ou plusieurs bullies dans sa vie ?
Moi-meme en ai subi plusieurs, je me suis debarrassee de la derniere il y a 1 an 1/2.
Par ailleurs, superbe illustration.
le boomerang revient toujours ! Well done Garance
et on se dit à lire cette anecdote (les larmes aux yeux): mais COMMENT autant de bêtise humaine peut-elle être possible?
Such a good reminder of how we can impact others. You write beautifully and with a lot of power – thank you so much for sharing!
Bravo! Et bravo aussi pour cette vengeance tardive (ne dit-on pas qu’elle est meilleure froide?), aidée par le karma, la grande soupe cosmique ou tout simplement l’évolution du monde.
This is so beautifully written Garance. Many of us have had experiences similar to this so it is very relatable. What I love is that you didn’t let this change you. You stayed true to your character, stayed kind and elegant and not twisted with bitterness. Your mother’s advice is dear and valuable. Thank you for sharing.
Dear Garance,
People like you change the world!
I don’t know you but you seem brave and kind. You have a voice and you’re not afraid to use it.
I’m sure that thanks to you many more people find the courage to speak up.
I hope that I’ll never stop believing in kindness.
It’s such a powerful article, Garance. Thank you for sharing.
Bonjour Garance, mes yeux s’embuent à la lecture de votre article. La passion pour ce que vous faite, le courage et cette volonté à continuer malgré toutes ces embûches et rencontres piteuses ont contribué à faire de vous aujourd’hui celle que vous êtes : une personne généreuse, exigeante, à l’ecoute et,au dessus de tout, un don de soi qui vous rend proche des lectrices. Vous êtes vous-même. J’ai connu également le « rabaissement » social, la fragilisation, la crainte de n’etre pas assez intelligente, cultivée, etc etc, car née dans un milieu de classe moyenne certains endroits vous sont d’entrée fermés (études trop chères et il faut faire des ménages pour pouvoir vivre donc fatigue, donc abandon des études)Jusqu’au jour où un homme, issu d’une classe aisée, vous fait comprendre que vous êtes jolie et cultivée et que ce « cirque social » n’est que bluff. Que seule la gentillesse est très difficile à acquérir. Et depuis 34 ans cet homme est mon mari !
C’est une erreur de penser que l’on devient généreux et ouvert suite aux “embûches et rencontres piteuses”. C’est d’abord la mère de Garance, puis toutes ces personnes qui l’ont “accueillie, donné des conseils, aidée” qui lui ont permis de résister, avoir confiance en soi et aux autres, et ne pas passer du côté obscur de la force. “L’enfer, c’est les autres” ou paradis? Chacun fait son choix.
Yes.
Garance,
Thank you for taking the time to write this out and for also showing us what taking the high road really means. Much respect to you, as always.
g
Garance, thank you so much for sharing this! I, like you, always strive to treat everyone with kindness and respect, but also recently learned that when a bully does not reciprocate, you should not have to take it, and are not in the wrong for treating them like they deserve. Good for you for making a point, maintaining your self-respect, and demonstrating that their appalling behavior is not to be tolerated. You are our beacon of wisdom and life experience, keep it up!
For articles like this is why I like you so much Garance (and for your drawings, and your podcasts and your sense of humor… well the whole combo). Love you when you become so real and relatable. OOXX
Je vais être crue, mais ce milieu pue. C’est pour cet “entre soi” que j’ai pris mes jambes à mon cou (déjà dans les années 90). Ce monde n’est que vacuité. J’ai pour principe de mettre tous les êtres humains à la même place (bon ok y’a quand même un paquet de cons et de salauds), certains sont juste mieux “nés” que d’autres ou avec un job plus “important”. Mais franchement, si on ne met ni l’argent, ni le pouvoir à des niveaux qu’ils ne devraient pas avoir, personne ne vaut plus qu’un autre. C’est vraiment la chose que je garde tout le temps à l’esprit, ce qui me permet de m’adresser à tous de la même façon. On ne peut pas obliger les gens à nous aimer ou nous apprécier, alors mieux vaut rester soi même et passer outre les jugements. Ce mec ne s’habillerait il pas en Prada ? ah ah
Wow.
Incredible article.
Merci… merci, vraiment. Tant d’échos avec ce que je vis en ce moment.
C’est tellement important que tu abordes ce type de sujets.
It doesn’t surprise me that these kind of things happen, yet it does surprise me all the same! to hear it described from someone who inspires so many actually feels quite hurtful that you had to go through such embarrassment? Why is it that people can actually feel they are far more superior than others? That they have no shame? From the world of yours, where you share so much encouragement, for your readers, and the guests that you write or interview, you promote so much inspiration and encouragement, it’s unfair that anyone, should face that, and be told, even if indirectly, they are not worthy.
It hits home; when you feel like you’re doing great “actually yes I do deserve to stand in these shoes, in this exact spot”, and it takes confidence to even admit it to yourself, only to have others just take that away from you. Even if for a fleeting moment.
Thank you for sharing this Garance. It’s a push and a reminder to never let anyone bully you, or tell you you are worth less than you are x
“A narrow-minded and cruel imbecile, that much is certain.”
There are so many of them, dearest Garance… I am not in the fashion industry but I can relate it to my own professional life and personal experience now that I’m trying to heal myself from an extremely narcissistic boss/friend…
I knew you and following you since the day one of your blog. What a privilege to know you better as years passed by. I hope our paths cross soon in LA.
Take care, hugs and kisses my dear.
Being gracious is being powerful. Being a bully is being desperate.
I have been reading you since close to the beginning, and I remember the earthquake of bloggers getting front row seats. It is sad but unsurprising that the editor felt a need to make a scene. But status is part of our DNA. I feel it pressing on me, even working from my home in the middle of nowhere. We just have to square our shoulders and toss our heads and, if we aren’t able to truly not care, at least act that way. And life it too short to waste time on someone who was a bully.
You’ve proven yourself. And then some. An old boss of mine gave me the solid advice to never put anyone down on your way up. As you never know when they’ll catch up or perhaps one day be placed higher than you. The editor was insignificant even then, you just hadn’t yet realised it.
SO TRUE! Thank you for this!
B R A V O
Well done !
Malheureusement ce genre de comportement existe dans tous les milieux…quand j’ai débuté ma carrière, j’ai travaillé dans un lycée où les agrégés ne parlaient pas aux non titulaires. Combien de mes bonjours ont ils résonné dans le vide…
Mais c’est dingue. Et a quel point ça semble ridicule de l’extérieur, non?
Thank you for sharing this story!! Dear Garance, as someone who had followed you from the start Im super proud and amazed by your success. You have always been different, kind, honest, human. I respect you so much and knowing the struggles that came with your work only deepens that respect. You will heal and continue to grow, and all of your readers will continue to walk with you. Sending you love, xx.
Thank you so much!
Wow. Juste classe.
Tout est dit, la justesse des mots trouvée, sans amertume.
La lettre salée exprime bien le genre de situation ubuesques que ces personnes (que l’on croise malheureusement trop souvent dans la mode) peut produire, et les dégâts qu’ils peuvent faire sur les personnes bienveillantes, ou juste normales.
J’adore la morale de l’histoire ! On l’imagine tellement dans son costume de monsieur tout le monde, redescendu dans la sphère des gens sans privilèges !
Garance, this is honestly the best article I’ve read since I started my blog. I relate so much to your experience because I’ve dealt with this my entire life. To know that someone who is much farther in life than I am and doing so much more, has the same insecurities when dealing with something outside their comfort zone can still build the strength to push through really shows me that I can do it too!
Thank you!
Garance, I just love you. Your writing has always drawn me in but recently it has truly moved me. I appreciate your ability to express in words those feelings we all have but struggle to name in fullness.
Thank you!
Je te trouve tellement forte. Ce monde aussi attirant qu’il soit peut être aussi bien cruel. Mais tu as continué parce que tu croyais en ce que tu faisais et que tu continues à faire. C’est juste tellement beau.
Je suis encore plus admirative que je n’en l’étais de ta personne. Ce que tu partages résonnes tellement en moi et en beaucoup d’autres. Nous apprenons de nos expériences mais aussi de celles des autres.
Merci pour ce partage
I love you and this article for so many reasons-way to push back and own your pain, as well as, make clear your place in the world and in fashion. Because it’s a gift when one finally confronts the thing/things that not only hurt them but strengthen who they are. Brava!
I loved your letter and I congratulate you on the (spiritual, personal) growth you achieved to arrive to this point. I’ve been working for many years in the music business and your story translates wonderfully to my world as well. So much has changed in the last 10 years and those executives who used to have big entourages and act as if they were the artists themselves are a thing of the past. Those who were smart enough to adapt are still here and thriving. Sometimes it’s really pathetic when you see people in the music business act as if they were in the 90’s and hide behind words that, really, don’t mean anything anymore (“well, you know, we are #$@@music and we can put you in the map”). The very good news is that almost nobody pays attention to them anymore.
Bonsoir Garance,
Merci premièrement de raconter cette histoire et de la livrer ça aide beaucoup d’entre nous mais ça peut être dur de se livrer sur l’humiliation par ce que c’est tellement violent qu’on le zappe sinon on avance pas ou on peut pas tout le temps en parler. Moi je suis contente que ce blog montre plein de facettes de toi et aussi les bonnes et les mauvaises expériences de ta vie par ce que c’est toujours bien raconte, j’adore vraiment te lire. Pour la première fois cette année je suis allée à la fashion week à Paris pour prendre des photos à la sortie des défilés. Ce que j’ai adoré c’est rencontre des personnes pas connues trop drôles et qui discutent partagent ou juste font des blagues. Par rapport au gens connues qui sont là plupart indiffèrents) ce que je peux comprendre) ou juste te font sentir qu’ils sont au-dessus de toi. Une action un peu bizarre dont je n’ai pas osé parlé à la personne en question que j’apprécie énormément en tout cas son travail dans la mode: elle m’a fait rentrer au défilé Koche, puis à la fin je pensais qu’on allait discuter, elle m’a regardé et m’a dit salut, genre oe t’es cool petite meuf mais on a rien à se dire j’ai trouvé ça horrible surtout quand on suit la personne sur les réseaux sociaux et qu’on sait un peu « toute sa vie ». C’est bizare les gens veulent partager leur vie qu’on les aime puis au moment de les rencontrer pour de vrai il te dise a non on a rien à se dire. On s’éloigne un peu du sujet de la lettre mais je trouve que dans la mode c’est la norme d’être mechant et snob alors que certes y’a de l’argent en jeu mais ça reste du tissu pas des cœurs je me trompe ?
Thank you from the bottom of my heart x
Je me demande toujours pourquoi j’attire toujours tel ou tel personne dans ma vie , j’ai attirée à moi bcp de peteux prétentieux … quelque soit mes métiers … ( nombreux ) j’en ai eu des vents … et finalement … ces personnes qui m’ont le plus blesser m’ont permis de clarifier ce que je voulais vraiment , de m’affirmer dans mon courant , dans ce je savais juste et bon pour moi …et de faire confiance à ma vision intérieure , peut-être qu’il est tant de regarder ses gens qui nous ont blessé avec d’autres yeux … et qu’ils ne sont que le reflets de nos propres peurs, des limites que l’on se donne … on évolue tous …
Dear Garance, how wonderful that you are on a healing path. Have you ever tried tapping/EFT? It is so great for self-love and letting go of pain and hurt. Keep walking your brilliant creative path. Let the roi and all that he stands for go – let him go with love. Sending you hope and best wishes, Alicia
Eh bien moi, ce qui m’interpelle le plus dans ce témoignage, c’est le fait que, malgré le comportement inacceptable de ce monsieur, tu doives réprimer l’envie d’être aimable et polie avec lui. Ça me parle tellement! Notre éducation peut-être? Ou bien notre incapacité à réaliser que ce genre de personne existe bel et bien?
Justement, Garance ne devrait peut-être pas se réfréner d’être polie et gentille, même avec les rois des cons, puisqu’il semble que ce soit dans sa nature, bien plus que la vengeance qui fait du bien 5 min mais pas plus (même si là elle était super soft cette vengeance). Il me semble qu’il est plus facile de se libérer définitivement d’un affront en ne se maintenant pas dans le conflit, même larvé, mais bon, on est tous différent.
Merci Garance pour cet article. Je ne travaille pas de le milieu de la mode mais j’aurais pu très bien écrire ce post. Combien de fois certaines personnes que j’ai rencontrées m’ont fait sentir toute petite et insignifiante … en même temps, j’ai pris conscience que si je ressentais ça, c’est aussi parce que je projetais beaucoup de mes angoisses, de mes peurs et de mon foutu manque de confiance en moi … et aussi que le comportement de ces personnes n’est que le triste reflet de leur laideur intérieure. Alors j’avance pas à pas et je me ne m’excuse plus pour ce que je suis. Si nous sommes là où nous sommes au jour d’aujourd’hui, c’est qu’on le mérite… merci encore Garance
Dear Garance! Thank you for sharing this article. It was beautifully written and powerful! I’m a fashion illustrator and I’m slowly making my presence known in the industry. The fashion industry has always intimidated me and hearing stories like this puts a stunt on my desire to progress in my work. I had the pleasure of meeting you once when you spoke at Alt Summit. You were so kind and encouraging! I asked for your advice on being a fashion illustrator and you told me to work hard and to keep at it cause it takes a good 10 years. I’ve always appreciated how you treated me. Thank you for being a force of change and goodness in the industry!
Garance, I was a part of that world for 10 years between 2000 and 2008 (when my son was born). I never sat front row, but was always further back in the crowd peering over the heads of those deemed more important. I had an uneasy feeling that I never fit, always preferring to chat with my friends toward the back than taking my allocated seat. I remember the discomfort and judgement. I now teach yoga, mindfulness and self-care for women, redressing my karma and sharing the lessons of self-compassion. Your journey and story is inspiring. Keep sharing. With love xx
Thank you! Thank you, Garance!
While reading I even felt “terrible” for you, I actually feel sad for the person who treated you or anyone like this, she cannot be a very happy person. I guess this has also happened to me but in different situations, life situations where people make you feel inferior and not good enough to be a part of their group or friends and make you feel like you don’t fit in because you come from a “simple” family and don’t know certain people. I have suffered many times from this and more and more I just look at them and their “fabulous lifes” via instagram and just laugh at how hard they try to show us all how fabulous they are and well connected. I now look more around myself and realize how lucky I am to have such a wonderful family and friends who love and support me! I’m just missing a new puppy in my life like Lulu :)
Coco X
Bravo Garance! And to all other victims of bullying, remember that hurt people hurt other people. So, this editor must be a very insecure person experiencing a lot of pain in her life to treat you this way.
Cher Garance, this moved me so much. On a much different level, I’ve experienced bullying and harassment and ashamed to say, I have also been a bully, without conscience intent…Thank you so much for sharing this deeply healing story. More please.
Xx
One of the best articles I’ve read in a while! Usually I do not post comments, but I just could not resist reading your story. We have all been there and thank you for using your platform to raise these kind of questions!<3
Garance! Like so many on here, I have read your posts for a long time & have always responded to the authenticity of your ‘voice’. It’s so wonderful to watch as you harness (your hard earned) position to genuinely empower & benefit others. You can’t fake sincere enthusiasm & your generosity in sharing your life experiences is fantastically refreshing. Everything that you have dug deep to rise elegantly above, reminds us all to go for it ~ with kindness & confidence. Merci encore ~ xx
I’ve always liked and appreciated your very real and often raw posts in a world of artificial crap. But this- you struck a cord in everyone I’m sure. It makes me like you even more to know you feel and deal with this kind of bullying and you’ve now talked about it. I can only assume it happens to everyone. How can adults act that way?! Good for you for starting the healing process. Sometimes knowing that the way people treat others is directly related to how they feel about themselves and their own lives is comforting. Thanks for sharing Garance. ??
Chère Garance,
Merci ! Depuis le début je vous suis et je vous lis.
Immédiatement j’ai aimé votre plume autant que vos illustrations et cela ne se dément pas avec les années.
C’est un plaisir de vous voir évoluer et aux travers de vos questionnements et de vos écrits, vous me permettez de ”grandir” si je puis dire, même si je glisse gentiment vers mes 43 ans.
Vous êtes une source d’inspiration pour moi au même titre que Sophie Fontanel, intelligentes et humaines.
Merci, merci, merci……
Xoxo
So sorry that happened to you…Sometimes women can be the cruelest of all because you just don’t expect it to be that way. Or maybe we do.
Much is made of men lording it over women in interviews…but when I was young I almost ALWAYS would have preferred to be interacting with men. 70% of the women, especially those angling for the top, were rather duplicitous and made life a chore.
Now that you are in charge (I’m sure you kinda hate that!) you can reteach a whole new generation of women about how to treat women.
Enjoy a lovely walk by the beach!
Deeply touched by you sharing this experience. From a distance, it seems so obvious that she felt nothing but treathened by you, your work and your relevance for the future of publishing. I studied fashion journalism but never worked in the industry, because I always felt a bit intimidated by people and stories like this. But reading your kind and wise words, I wonder if I should have had more trust that this industry is also full of smart, humble and kind people. <3
Garance,
I completely agree about pushing back. You need to release emotion absolutely. Again bravo for you.
Resounding on many levels. Thank you.
Gracias por publicar esta carta, tan íntima y humana, me hiciste recordar, y sentir, esos días en que hubo quienes me lastimaron de esa manera, con el tiempo me fabrique una máscara de fortaleza que me ayudó a afrontar a esas personas, pero es siempre una forma de evasión. Te leí y volví a sentir ese miedo de tener de frente a una persona humillados con su”corte” detrás. Intenté pensar como la afrontaría hoy día, y tristemente me di cuenta que el miedo volvía cruzando el tiempo… El camino de la confianza en sí mismo no termina. Gracias. (Escribo en español pues ni mi inglés no mi francés son suficientemente buenos para ser elocuentes)
Brilliant piece. So great to release it and move forward. I love your voice, Garance!
Beautiful writing Garance! Yes, she was a bully! You would think as adults we would graduate from the school yard, high school or the college sorority. Some people truly never grow up and continue the behaviors as adults. As adults when we truly grow ourselves, we can see what this really is. You are in a great place personally and professionally and you see the real truth. What matters is how we treat others every day and every moment. So glad you were able to articulate this, and in such a lovely way.
Garance,
Thank you for sharing your experience. You’re a brave woman. I’ve recently discovered your blog and podcasts as well as your book. Just when I believed blogs only showed us the so called perfect aspects of life, you turned up! I’m all for gorgeous images, clothes and decor but I love the honesty your site and podcasts reveal. I appreciate you speaking your truth. Bravo, and thank you! Keep pushing!
xoxo
Thank you for addressing something inelegant in a truly elegant way. More power to you!
Bravo Garance!! You continue to surprise and inspire me!! What a breath of fresh air you are! Thank you!
xoxo
I discovered your blog early on in your career, and I thought it was so refreshing to see someone so authentic, relatable and elegant. I finally felt that the fashion that I loved so much was now becoming something with a deeper purpose, not just frivolity to make categories of people. I’m sorry this woman’s insecurity caused collateral damage among the people who had the bad luck to encounter her. What an ugly and unfashionable person!
Great article! Talking about this kind of bullying makes other people know they are not alone. I was once in a similar situation at work, and at the time it was devastating. It was so hard not to internalize it.
Now that I’ve had some distance to reflect on it, interactions like this just seem so transparent: hmm…why would someone established (and in the public eye) want to sideline, silence or hurt a nice, smart, genuine up-and-comer in their profession? Because they’re threatened by all those things! Because they can see a talent or quality that they’ve either lost or never even possessed, and are worried.
Dear Garance –
As painful as that first and terrible scene followed by layered incidents over the years, it helped build your true grit and who you are today. I am glad that you kept to your principles and mom’s words of wisdom to “continue to love, be happy, and stay open”. While life expands around you because you chose the kinder, open and authentic path, I can only imagine that this particular Editor-in-Chief must look back with regret and shame.
xox
Well done! Bravo and much respect!!!
Dear Garance. That person was/is a total ass…. Thank you for sharing this story! You are amazing! Love the direction you are going towards. ..
You’re too classy to say it so I will
Fuck Her
Garance,
Thank you. You have been one of my favorite women for years but today your bravery has inspired me. My story is similar but in a different setting, and I stood up when it happened (in my case, a male employee made comments about sex and sexual gestures at work). The first day I was applauded for filing with affirmative action. I had an email from the day before saying they wanted to retain me after graduation but two days later my hours were cut, my keys were taken (even to my own office), and my job after graduation was rescinded; budget cuts they said, although there was no budget meeting that week. Years of building an exemplary reputation and relationships were lost. He’s still there working, where all of the famale students are, and I’ve moved on to grad-school but it was devastating and heartbreaking to go through. Others have reported him but I’m told it’s too costly to fire him because of the union. Hopefully telling our stories will be the impetus for changing the ignorant minds that perpetuate people with abhorrent behavior remaining in positions of power.
Thank you,
A.
I know it felt good to ignore him… but I was really hoping that you killed him with kindness. That you told him “Despite the dispicable way that you have treated me all these years, I will not do the same to you. I forgive you and wish you the best… but this is the last time that I will have kind words for you… Please continue to “not speak” to me because frankly, based on your past behaivor, you do not even deserve to be addressed at all.” I’m sure you’ve said that and much more in your head after the fact… it’s always easy to give someone tongue lashing after the moment has passed.
I too was hoping for a “kill-him-with-kindness-response”, or a simple quick nod of acknowledgement.
I recognize now that I was once a bully out of my own insecurities and I believe I have changed for the better. As much as I sincerely wanted to make amends for my actions and apologize to people it was impossible if they didn’t give me the space to. I can’t fault them though.
I fully agree.
Dear Garance,
Thank you for writing this. Thank you for writing it with such honesty.
The timing of this piece is incredible and it puts so much into perspective.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
t.
PS – it was amazing meeting you yesterday on AK. Many thanks to you both for all the love you gave my dogs!
Thank you Garance. I loved this post. Your authenticity is so appreciated. I’ve always struggled with this idea of people “with power” treating others as ‘less than’. Recognizing and appreciating the humanity in each other is truly what will heal us all. Thank you for your honestly, it conveys how beautiful you are on the inside. I liked this post even more than I liked your “I’m one of those healthy people now and I’m going to let you know’ post (which I loved). Keep up the good work woman! xo
Dear Garance, sometimes I feel the need to check on your IG or blog, for no particular reason. And then, I found that reason is *that* article or book or exhibition or whatever you are talking about.
It occurs to me in particular when I feel lost, discouraged, sad, broke, a total idiot that missed all the life’s deadlines. I come across by change with your feed, and, like today, I find indirect support, inspiration, relief.
So despite my fears, self-disappointment and hopelessness I switch my feelings (“she did it!she too was broke! She too had no clue!”) I begin to think of you as a saint/counsellor/therapist in absentia that appears whenever there is a disturb in the force somewhere (maybe copies of LoveXStylexLife act as small antennas?). Thank you.
Thank you for this beautiful piece of writing – fragile yet brave. It reminds me so much of 1 experience I had and made me hate the world of fashion.
I had been asked to photograph a Dior défilé by a newspaper wanting to get an Instagrammer’s perspective. Not having enough confidence in myself, I even refused any payment.
The photographers there were so mean, they pushed me aside and one even said “f**king iPhones stay away!” Another one said “you’re not gonna get anything with THAT camera”. Yet another well-known blogger who was there saw me and asked: What are YOU doing here?
It was one of the worst experiences I ever had in my life.
But I moved on and here we are today – able to talk about it, see beyond the meanness and understand it is no fault of ours.
Have a good day!
Jasmine
Chère Garance
Je me rappelle très bien cette époque quand à la tête de la communication d’une grande maison de couture très classique j’ai dû me bagarrer pour faire entrer le nouveau monde naissant d’internet. Tu venais de commencer ton blog et moi j’essayais de digitaliser la communication de cette maison. J’ai réussi à le faire à condition de traiter les blogueurs avec des événements spéciaux versus les journalistes. C’était un bon début. Tu étais venue et nous avions passé une super soirée. Aujourd’hui on ne peut que sourire de ces comportements de l’ancien monde mais à l’epoque ce n’etait Pas simple tous les jours.
Merci de partager toutes ces questions très intimes, ces émotions et de fendre l’armure parfaite du personnage à qui tout réussit. C’est une aide quand on traverse des moments de doutes et de questionnements. Natacha
muchas gracias
You turned a negative experience into a positive one by writing this! Creativity transforms our world. Kudos.
Chère Garance,
Merci de ce partage avec beaucoup d’authenticité et de réalisme de ce monde. Mille mercis de dire et d’affirmer votre ligne de conduire, celle inculquée par votre mère. Restons droite dans nos bottes même quand certaines personnes jugent que nous ne sommes pas à notre place.
Gratitude. Paix et Fluidité.
Bien à vous. Florence
Thank you for this beautiful and honest post. It’s so inspiring. I have had similar experiences in other contexts and you are so right to call out a bully like that. Thank you for inspiring me to address some of my own experiences, I am feeling empowered and strong after reading your post. Thank you once again.
Cela fait toujours plaisir de te lire et surtout sur un sujet aussi sensible ! Merci de lever la voix toi aussi. cela aidera certainement beaucoup de femmes qui n’osent pas encore le faire. J’admire ton courage d’en parler ouvertement et d’y avoir fait face surtout !
Reste forte !
“Ma mère me l’a toujours dit, la vie se charge de tout”
C’est tellement vrai! Il faut garder confiance en la vie; on récolte ce que l’on sème.
Enorme bisou !!
Go Garance! Fantastique. And maybe things are changing – the new editor of British Vogue talks here about empathy, mentoring and standing up to bullies. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/entertainment-arts-41908222/edward-enninful-wants-to-protect-young-models
Glaçant. Quelle belle lecture en tous cas, merci de ce partage (et belle claque retour quand même, comme quoi la vengeance finalement… ou le retour de baton quand il est bien senti, ça peut faire du bien !)
Dans un monde professionnel plein d’égo, nous vivons parfois l’humiliation comme une fatalité mais c’est toujours odieux, inélégant, inacceptable. Et malheureusement, comme ça nous scie, et blesse à un endroit fragile, il est difficile voire impossible de réagir “à chaud”…
Chouette projet les lettres, vraiment.
Hallelujah! Don’t we all have a story (or more) like this?! I certainly have more. But with growing older I can handle it better. So good of you to write this story down for us. He’s a pathetic ego who has to learn a lot and not an altruistic open human being. The only thing that can give those people a good lesson is to have bad luck. I hope he does his lessons learned. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. There is also a possibility he is going to use others with a sort of attention just to get better again an start the ods bad behaviour again. You will see, maybe, maybe not. If not, he’s probably not in the picture anymore and that is for the best, for the best of all people running past his invisible being! So people, as my love always says: ‘Always be nice to people no matter what or how.’ And he is a person in a rather high postion respecting people always! That is one of the things why I love him so much ;-)
Instagram: fabiduister
Garance, what a heartfelt story. As you wove your story, you so accurately conveyed the pain that this person inflicted on you that I truly felt as if I were there.
That you have come out the other side with your compassion and courage intact is testament to your strength of character.
Can I just admit that you refusing to acknowledge this cretin was the icing on the cake, though?
Oh Garance, quel billet…
Il n’y a de vraie élégance que celle du cœur, ton billet l’illustre parfaitement. En effet ce monsieur peut s’habiller comme un paon, il ne sera jamais élégant, jamais. A moins d’une révolution dans son cœur (s’il en a encore un).
Les sentiments que tu décris lors de ce défilé sont tellement familiers. C’est affreux. Et donc ton billet n’en est que plus inspirant.
Pour moi si on a besoin d’écraser les gens pour monter ou rester en haut de la montagne, alors on ne mérite pas de monter.
Je t’embrasse.
Perfect..bravo!
I’m speachless
This letter and the comments are excellent. I think it’s very interesting that the gender and sex of the editor seems to be somewhat unclear, quite telling, in terms of our own experiences, perhaps. I especially appreciate the one comment about women treating one another with professional dignity; and the one story about being fired for filing a complaint that should have been ratified by law. Both of these contributions show how dangerous it is to stand up for oneself as a woman without the support of other women–and men. The fact that that editor could behave in such a way and not be reprimanded, and that it took someone so long to help you, and that your recent non-response to a bully (perfect) took *such courage*–yet is so small a gesture compared to the editor’s abuse–shows how ill-prepared we are to deal with abuse, or to support someone being abused. There are many kinds of abuse, and they should not be compared. But we should be prepared to pay attention to one another, to share these stories, and then to offer help in a compassionate way. This letter, and other contributions like it, can help us to prepare for when abuse happens again. And while we may not always change the abuser–or be able to ensure that the law is even remotely honoured, depending on the situation–we can make damned sure that we are not alone: that we have one another. That we can identify ourselves as compassionate and prepared to offer support to one another, and that we ask for support–from those of us who are prepared to help–without shame, and without fear of further abuse. Thank you.
Garance: great story and thank you for sharing such an intimate moment in your life.
One thing I have learned in my 50 years on this earth:
“Know Yourself”.
When you truly know yourself, nothing and no one can put you in a place of shame or humiliation. They will try but you can stand steadfast in your own truth and power, no matter what happens.
Hi Garance (and Atelier)!
I love that you talk about elegance as something beyond style. For me, elegance has always been a matter of making people around you comfortable, being natural and kind. However, in my line of work, the more rude you are the more important you seem to be. During years I’ve suffered comments about how I won’t be reaching the top of the ladder if I continued being nice and natural. My boss once told me that I shouldn’t be so nice to the people that work in my department, that I have to show more ambition and elegance, yes he used that word! Isn’t that stupid? Well, I’m head of my department now and I don’t plan to change my ethics.
xx,
e.
http://www.theslowpace.com
Chère Garance,
Merci pour ce texte, si juste et si humain!
Les sensations décrites sont malheureusement communes à tant de domaines d’activités… Jeune conseillère à l’Alliance Française, je côtois régulièrement les diplomates. L’ouverture et l’attention des uns et le mépris et sentiment de supériorité des autres.
L’illustration parfaite de la citation d’YSL “Sans élégance de coeur, il n’y a pas d’élégance”
Belle journée
Garance,
Merci d’avoir partage cette experience. Vous etes une belle personne et vous avez beaucoup de talents, continuez a sourire, meme aux bullies meprisants.
Bonjour Garance. C’est un post plein de pudeur et de sensibilité. Il faut beaucoup de courage (et de recul) pour sortir les choses qui restent gravées dans la mémoire comme de douloureux souvenirs. Bravo.
Ce mépris cette méchanceté « a priori » font beaucoup de dégâts.
(Et résonnent cruellement)
Cette lettte et la façon dont
vous avez réagi sont les meilleures réponses. Encore bravo.
Bravo! This sounds so close to the pomp and circumstance of academia. I’m a measly PhD student who returned to get the degree after a vibrant 20 year career doing what I love…I want to become a professor and pour into students but I’m finding a snobbery that I wasn’t quite expecting and I’ll be damned if I allow the process to turn me into one of them. Thank you for giving a world of superficiality a heartbeat and exposing the madness. My hopes is that it will convict someone on their way up not to forget what it took and with whom it took to get there.
Am I the only one here who would looove to know who this cretin is?
Im such a fan of yours Garance. Thanks for sharing this story with us.
Great story about something everyone goes through when they are starting in organizations that are based on hierarchies. I mean imagine those who sat in third and fourth rows!! There is always someone lower and lesser. Unless you establish yourself in a market you are always one of the many and therefore invisible. I suppose what this editor was displaying was a learned behavior of responding to the many. That you rose was something he/ she hadn’t planned. I think there are other ways of asserting that kind of power and prestige- wearing clothes that cost thousands of dollars oh so casually because you know that the many cannot. Or hanging out with your own kind class and color wise. It’s great to be self reflexive by looking at your past. It’s a lesson to all of us to be more humble and try to blend in with everyone… the many who at the end of the day are just like us.
Bravo pour ce texte touchant et savoureux!
Thank you.
? yes, thank you, Garance. It’s a very weird thing, to be looked down on by another… and so hurtful. Here’s to personal growth, may we all experience the magic of lightbulb moments.
Garance, your article struck a chord with me and I want to thank you for speaking openly and without prejudice about all these issues that make our everyday life miserable and at times unbearable. Ancient Romans used to say “Homo homini lupus” (man is wolf to man) and not a day goes by that we do not encounter circumstances that verify this saying. The story that you generously shared with us has an ending that we will call happy. But what happens when injustice and abuse remain unpunished and continue to thrive? How do you cope with that? How can you discover your inner strenght and use it to fight against the oppressive, the abusers, the unjust, the snobbish, the liars, the haters, the bullies? Writing openly about these issues is a first step towards tackling them, all the more so when the writer is a well-known writer like Garance. Kudos to you Garance, keep it up!
Dear Garance, THIS is powerful. Perhaps this is something you’ve planned for some time? But it feels like your amazing letter – your bringing to light how someone treated you poorly because they *could* and because everyone around them was too afraid to say, No, that’s wrong – that it’s building on this global movement to stand up for what’s right. That one person saying, NO, that is NOT ok, is how change happens. Bravo for raising your influential, empathetic, resonant (and stylish!) voice! At last, the truth comes out that the Empress has no clothes, ironically enough!
RFK said, ‘Each time a [wo]man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, [s]he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.’ YES!
LOVE the RFK quote – thanks!
Garance, comme cette lettre est puissante! Et comme j’adore votre français!
Je ne vous connais pas personnellement, bien sûr, mais cette humilité, je la ressens depuis que je vous suis. C’est à dire depuis vos débuts d’illustratrice.
Vous êtes maintenant une femme vrai, ancrée avec un pouvoir (légitime) dont vous n’abusez pas.
Vos rires et fou-rires font de vous une femmes tellement réelle.
Mais malheureusement inaccessible.
Je suis fashion designer depuis 20 ans et je lance actuellement mon projet basé sur l’image de soi à travers le style et la photographie. C’est marrant cette similitude…
Dans un autre post, vous parliez d’avoir un “Role model” et devinez qui est le mien? :-)
You are such a class act! That’s partly why I listen to your podcast, purchased your book and buy your illustrations. I hope the person that acted so foul reads this. It is unfortunate that people like this exist…in all types of industries, young and old. They rely on the kindness and decency of the human beings they taunt to not put them in their place right then and there! They are the ones that are ‘less than’.
Wow. So so inspiring… we have all been there one way or another… thank you for being one of us
Thank you!
Thank you Garance! Important subject.
I would like to talk about the helpers of a bully. A bully can never act alone, he/she needs her crew, her troops. The editor in your story would be nothing alone. As she was when you met her at the airport. Disarmed without her troops.
I was bullied by my boss for more than a year. In the end of that year my therapist helped me to understand that my boss is a narcissist. She is kind of born to be a bully. Like an animal looking for the next prey. She will never change because she can’t feel empathy. She never apologies because she is never sad, or feel any regrets.
To understand the core of her personality was a great help for me to recover. What happened was NOT my fault.
But, it’s so much harder to understand my former colleagues. What makes people, like my colleagues, to change their behaviour almost from one day to the next? We where all laughing and chatting together, for more than 2 years. And then I had a meeting with my boss about my workload and my health, where she became furious and started to yell att me. She was so upset her face turned purple. I left the meeting in chock.
The next day one of my colleagues (personal friend with the boss) turned her head away instead of saying hello. During the next weeks they all, one by one, stopped talking to me. They started to talk bad about me behind my back and made me feel invisible. They “forgot” to tell me about meetings, and even sabotaged my work a couple of times, giving my boss perfect opportunities to tell me how useless I was. I started to feel stupid an incompetent, and in the end bereft of my dignity as a person. My self esteem became super low.
I’m no longer working there. I got a new job. But the wounds are not healed yet. I’m still thinking about my former so nice colleagues that turned into a bully’s troopers. Why?
I think it is the miniature version of a behaviour that led people, normal people, to state their neighbours to SS, or Stasi or ….
What do you think?
Quand je vois le nombre de commentaires qui disent “mes yeux s’embuent” (ce qui est bien sur mon cas), je comprends qu’une fois de plus, en te lisant Garance, on touche à l’universalité… Ca peut paraître ridicule d’utiliser un terme aussi fort, mais c’est tellement réel. Combien de fois en te lisant j’ai eu l’impression de lire – en plus clair et mieux écrit – le récit d’émotions, de sentiments, de situations vécues. Merci Garance d’être capable de cette universalité et donc de nous unir dedans et nous faire sentir partie de quelque chose de beaucoup plus grand
Bonjour Garance ,
Ma grand-mère paternelle disait souvent “la vie s’en charge” , et c’est devenu ma philosophie de vie .
Merveilleuses photos de vous prises au Maroc, une femme épanouie qui respire la bienveillance .
?
Magnifique, très bien écrit. On le vit avec toi. J’aime la phrase de ta maman : la vie se charge de tout, continue à aimer, à être heureuse et à ouvrir les bras. Je vais la noter pour moi.
Merci pour ce moment
Thank you. I have returned here, several times, rereading your letter, gleaning different aspects with each subsequent reading and appreciating the long and thoughtful string of comments. Finally, I had the need to comment myself, for your words have impacted me in another way and given me strength when I needed it – a family member who is very much like the subject of your letter.
Well dressed, coiffed, bejeweled, and used to getting her way throughout her 80+ years, she actually behaved in much the same way when she recently entered my sister’s home and discovered me there. My sister is dying of pancreatic cancer. Her husband, a saint, had mixed up who was coming that day and asked me to come, which I did. I go most days, some planned, some just when she needs me or when I need to be with her, knowing how this will end and that her time in this life is ending. This family member, a cousin, entered the house, threw a package across the table, carried on, berated my brother-in-law, and ignored me. My sister had experienced a very bad night, did not need the chaos, and my BIL had been up with her, managing her pain, comforting her. He needed to get to work that day as they need the money.
My cousin was angry because her schedule was interrupted. Thou shalt not interrupt her schedule. I quietly told my sister I was leaving, but, would be back later, hugged her and I left, slowly walking past my cousin, taking my time putting on my coat, and taking my time getting out the door. She has called and left messages, which I have ignored. I will not engage with her, nor will I create a scene, but, this is the last time she will do this to me – and you have given me the courage to hold onto. Thank you.
Your letter reminded me of an Eleanor Roosevelt quotes that says “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” You may have felt insecure, but in fact you showed this bully that you were far more educated, nice and superior in every way, so much so, that now you have moved on to greater and better things, while he is paying the price of acting like an a…… What comes around goes around. Your mother was right , life takes care of people like this.
Mais moi je n’entre mm plus dans les magasins, en particulier au Bon Marché, tellement tout le monde dans la mode me fait cet effet !
Quel gros bouffon… j’aurais tellement aimé que tu le salues, pour té réconcilier avec lui… et avec toi surtout !
Votre histoire me parle…
J’étais membre d’un groupe de travail où se trouvaient directeur, cadres, techniciens. Un groupe basique en soit ! L’apport et les connaissances de chacun devaient pouvoir aboutir rapidement à des livrables.
Dans ce genre de groupe , la hiérarchie n’a plus vraiment de place et chacun est là en tant que membre et chacun compte 1.
En général, on se fait la bise, on se tutoie et on s’appelle par son prénom, pour faciliter les échanges.
Ainsi, lors d’une prise de parole, j’ai tutoyé (c’est souvent mon habitude) une cadre très vieille France et plus âgée que moi; elle m’a remise vertement à ma place en me demandant de la vouvoyer; ce que j’ai immédiatement fait. Peu de membres du groupe ont entendu.
J’étais rouge de honte et bien que très participative, je crois bien ne plus avoir dit un mot durant toute la réunion. Cadre également, je me suis sentie rabaissée et dévalorisée !
La réunion suivante, je suis arrivée la 1ère, en avance.
Petit à petit les participants se sont joints à moi.
La « vieille cadre » est arrivée la dernière et a commencé à dire bonjour à chacun en leur faisant la bise.
Lorsqu’elle s’est penchée vers moi pour m’embrasser, je lui ai tendu la main très rapidement en lui disant suffisammentfort pour que tous entendent : JE N’EMBRASSE QUE LES PERSONNES QUE JE TUTOIE.
Elle est devenue écarlate et la réunion s’est poursuivie.
Des années plus tard, j’ai gagné en assurance et en reconnaissance auprès de l’ensemble des salariés de l’entreprise.
Cette cadre « vieille France » a eu des soucis professionnels et a été mise au placard. Quand je l’ai su, je suis allée la voir pour lui reparler de cet épisode douloureux pour moi et insignifiant pour elle; en lui disant qu’il ne fallait jamais mépriser personne car la roue tourne et qu’aujourd’hui c’est elle qui a besoin d’appui et de compassion. Elle s’est mise à pleurer, s’est platement excusée !
N’étant pas rancunière, je l’ai consolée…
Depuis nous nous vouvoyions toujours (c’est devenu presque un jeu !) mais désormais nous nous faisons la bise.
Well- we all know who this article is about :/ !
And you are not the only one. She has a reputation for that sort of behavior.
I’d much rather be on your side of things, than leave a legacy of lack of couth.
Nobody makes you feel small,it’s what we feel about ourselves inside that does that.If only we had confidence when we are younger we would deal with people and situations in a much different way but it usually comes later when we have more life experience.Knowing that when people behave like you described that it is because they are full of sadness,fear,shame or any number of negative feelings and emotions probably occurred from their childhood and upbringing.See them as deeply unhappy people and try to have compassion for what they carry inside.
C’était hier la journée contre le harcèlement scolaire en France. Comme quoi ce n’est pas qu’à l’école…
Your experience does sound awful! Sometimes I do wonder what about ‘fashion’ that bred especially ugly behaviours…
Thank you for writing this. What I take away from it is that the Shane people who are bullied feel is what has to change. To every normal person a professional behaving in such a childish matter is absurd, and still you were the one that felt shame, with no reason at all, you weren’t doing anything wrong. My grandmother raised me and instilled in me the need to question false authority and it helped me many times, knowing that someone else’s crazy behavior wasn’t my fault. It’s very important that parents, teachers etc do their best to empower children especially girls, and take away the shame that allows the sociopaths and crazymakers to rule. To teach them that some people will be awful and they don’t have to take it. I am glad you feel less insecure now, and it’s great you tell your story so a young girl reading this can learn.
Bravo à toi et à ce bras que t’a rattrapé :), merci pour la lettre !
Garance- this piece blew me away. I read it while sitting in my car waiting for the street cleaner and just kept saying, “WOW,” over and over to myself out loud.
Incredible experience and incredible perspective. My last fashion client in my business was a well known contemporary multi national that thinks its basic clothes are AMAZING. They have the egos to go with that arrogance…and so now I work w software and manufacturing and random other industries bc 10 years w fashion clients was enough!
Brava to you for saying that the emperor (editor!) has nonclothes. And changing your life based on your values. I also didn’t comment but loved your piece about fertility. And glimpsed you the other day at LPQ lol hope you had a nice visit to the city :))
Dear Garance,
thank you SO much for telling us this story, your personal moment in this big world.
It’s so often some people can break you, break your dreams, break your treasures. And how important is to stay strong, stay wisdom, just be who you are and believe in yourself. I’m amazed by people who value their own identity and who work hard to achieve something that is important for them, staying kind and attentive to people around.
thank you! love you! <3
MERCI!
(un peu tardif, mais mieux vaux tard…)
Garance, thank you for your brave and moving letter. I hope it inspires others as it has me, to stand up to bullies by being your beautiful, strong, and true self. The world needs more kindness and generosity of spirit like yours. Merci encore!
Chère Garance
Je te lis depuis longtemps maintenant, presque depuis toujours. J’ai pleuré, j’ai ri devant tes mots. Je me suis souvent reconnu, comme sûrement beaucoup d’autres. J’ai à peu près ton âge, une vie à l’opposé, Que comme toi j’adore, une sœur aussi, avec qui je partage une relation compliquée pleine d’amour….
J’avais l’impression de te connaître, et je sais que c’est illusoire, et que les gens changent, surtout quand leur vie change autant….
Mais je continue à me demander à quel moment je t’ai perdu? Quand est ce que je ne t’ai plu reconnu? Est ce moi qui est changé?
T’es mots, ta vision de la vie me semble différente, et même si tu t’appliques à toujours garder ton style, à mettre de l’autoderision, à te ressembler, je ne te reconnais pas et tu me manques.
moi de même . je partage ce même constat. je regrette notre ancienne garance qui s’habillait en zara et qui avait les mêmes contraintes que ces lectrices.
pour revenir a ce post : c’est la VIE tout simplement .blessures , humiliations , trahisons , déceptions….
peut être avons tous étés un jour arrogant , méprisant , blessante envers une personne sans le vouloir parce que absorbée par nos propres pensées ? je pense que la véritable intelligence aurait étée de saluer cette personne et de prendre de ces nouvelles de manière bienveillante. c’était la meilleure des vengeances plutôt que d’adopter la meme attitude que lui des années auparavant . parce que la, garance , tu t ‘es comportée exactement comme lui ( arrogant & méprisant). la véritable classe est le PARDON. c’est juste mon avis.
J’avoue rester un peu perplexe aussi : je ne comprends pas ce qu’il peut y avoir de sain à régler ses comptes ainsi via une lettre ouverte dont visiblement la destinataire est connue des personnes évoluant dans ton monde. Je comprends très bien le caractère humiliant de la situation de départ, mais en même temps c’est tellement ridicule! Je ne comprends pas en quoi cela peut être sain de ressasser ce genre de chose. Après ce n’est que mon opinion très personnelle.
What a brilliantly written piece Garance. I started my career years ago in London’s most prestigious magazine publishing house and experienced behaviour like this all the time… I still look back and can’t believe there were people like this. I love your story and so pleased you got ‘revenge’ so eloquently in the end.
Hamish Bowles ?
She is a bully, she looks like a bully! Ask Meryll Streep. Bullies will always prey on people who are kind because if they bullied someone like themselves, there will be a cat fight!
First of all it is so beautifully written and second spot on. You must have felt so bad when something so surreal actually happens to you. It takes courage to write a letter like this. Keep up the great work, you actually inspired me to start drawing again a couple years ago.
Chère Garance …
Je suis émue et très touchée de lire cette lettre et je ne peux m’empêcher de dire mais quelle bonne idée vous avez eu là de tout mettre comme noir sur blanc !
Quelle délivrance !
Je me suis reconnue dans chaque mot .
Merci
Chère Garance,
Ta lettre m’a grandement touché. C’est fou mais lire cette lettre me donne plus de courage et de confiance en moi de ne pas me laisser abattre par ce genre de méchanceté que malheureusement certains humains cultivent. Merci pour ce cadeau!
Ils sont partout alors!!!! ;-) deux bully (ou bullies?) de mon parcours de vie me viennent à l’esprit en vous lisant, et si certains bien plus sages que moi diraient que ce sont très probablement des personnes en souffrance, dominés par leur ego, je n’en suis pas au stade de la compassion à leur égard! J’ai cependant arrêter il y longtemps d’imaginer ce que je leur dirais, probablement non sans une certaine fébrilité, si je les croisais (et je souris avec satisfaction à ce constat de saine évolution… oui je m’aime!), ils n’ont plus mon attention… je crois… j’espère… quoique ça dépend honnêtement des jours! Mais Oh! comme j’aurais aimé lire ces lignes étant plus jeune, en doutant néanmoins que j’aurais été en capacité d’identifier ce qui se jouait là, à un époque où j’étais au degré 0,5 sur l’échelle de l’estime de soi. Merci pour votre sincérité et votre blog! Je suis venue y chercher de la légèreté et une inspiration stylistique, si cela se dit, et j’y découvre des mots qui me font du bien à l’âme… drôle de coïncidence s’il en est!