5 years ago by
I’m sure you’re familiar with the situation – that moment when a comic starts to have some success, they start a family, create a beautiful life for themselves, become quite conventional, and then suddenly they just don’t make you laugh at all anymore. Or at least, they make you laugh, but a whole lot less?
They start telling us every detail about their kids and their trips in business class and you listen, slightly detached, wondering when you’re going to cry laughing like “before”? You see them gesturing, talking louder, jumping higher, walking around on a bigger, brighter stage, using their old standbys, but it’s just…
It’s just not the same?
Sure, some people manage to do okay.
To those few, I have eternal respect, because it’s not easy.
I should know, because I’m going through the same thing myself right now. I never had the talent of a comic, far from it. But my sense of humor, mockery and self-deprecating jokes were one of my pillars.
Making people laugh – myself, first of all (yes, yes, I laugh at my own jokes) – is probably one of my favorite things.
I survived all my years in New York and in fashion thanks to it!
And then I started changing my life, and finally loving it. I did a lot of soul searching, observing my self-destructive habits, my tense, difficult relationships. And all the things I was doing without really understanding why – I stopped doing them.
When I arrived in Los Angeles, exhausted and lacking inspiration, I was super excited by the idea of discovering a new life for myself – I also thought it would be really funny to observe and tell you all about the strange and ridiculous aspects of people in LA – and lord knows, there are plenty.
A whole new subject to explore. Kale! Sound baths! Goat yoga!
Ahhh, we were going to laugh, I was sure.
But my arrival didn’t quite go as expected. California grabbed me by the gut and forced me to take a long, hard look at myself. Like a bath of truth. I crumbled under it and now that I’m getting back on my feet, I’ve been looking for my sense of humor and I just can’t seem to find it anywhere.
I still laugh a lot, but I have a hard time making fun of others. It still happens, sure. I’m not Buddha. But my laugh is lighter, more childlike, less biting. Today, I see the pain behind meanness, the insecurity behind the ridicule – and I can’t even set that aside for an hour to write a funny text about, say, a caricature of a goat yoga teacher.
I’m still totally imperfect, but I don’t feel like making fun of myself anymore either. I feel soft, cool, and even though I can see that sometimes my California life might be hilarious from the outside (for example? Tonight I’m going to a sound bath, I’m going to meditate, chant, pray, the teacher will probably be wearing tie dye, there will probably be feathers in the corner, Palo Santo burning, a gong, and everything that goes along with it) and while I see what I could do with all this material, I just don’t have the desire to.
Because deep down, I’m not going to lie – I love that stuff.
Before, I did a lot of things I didn’t like, without really knowing I didn’t like them. And fortunately, my sense of humor was there for me, ready to jump up and protect me.
I had to laugh about it all back then.
Last year, as I was losing my sense of humor, watching it move far away from me and trying desperately to catch it (which is impossible to do, of course, you can’t capture or manufacture humor) – and that’s when the scandals around comics started coming out.
It was dark, and really interesting for me to see the misery that often hides behind humor. We think these people are just being sarcastic, but often it’s their life, their real life, their real insecurities, their real pain displayed on stage. It can be a painful profession, that really leaves you empty. Building a life on this pain is a daring move.
If you’ve met a comic before – they are often so different in real life.
Fragile, quiet, almost absent. Often addicts. Yes, it’s true, let’s just say it!
Humor is like a suit of armor. And it can get extremely heavy to carry.
——
Oddly enough, right when I was losing my sense of humor, I started also losing some friends.
Well, aaaaand shit.
The false friends, mean friends, best option friends, night-time only friends, opportunistic friends, friends who go with the highest bidder, the gossipy friends, the friends who are never there when you need them, the friends who don’t like anyone, the friends who left a bad taste in my mouth…
Little by little, I let go of those types of people. These people though, they said a lot about who I used to be. The people we surround ourselves with are our mirrors – don’t be fooled. If you’re surrounded by idiots, you’re probably an idiot too.
My life started emptying out, my weekends were long and spacious, which was honestly delicious some of the time – when it didn’t made me anxious.
Little by little, new people started to fill that void.
People I was choosing based on their values – because the values we hold, that’s like our backbone, our life. I chose them based on their values, their intelligence, their respect for others, and their outlook on life.
And sometimes, honestly, I found these people a little boring. They were lacking a little humor, a little dose of sarcasm, a bite. It wasn’t very exciting, all these balanced people comfortable in their own skin. Who never said an unkind word about anyone. Sweet. Gentle. Positive. Generous, calm.
I talked a lot about this with my sister, who I have the great privilege of living a parallel life with. Not only is she one of the loves of my life, but also my sounding board.
She was going through the same thing. We discussed it at length. And finally we understood what was going on.
We learned to be better listeners. To let go of the drama. To experience other people in a different way. To enjoy the subtlety of our conversations with our new friends. To learn the lessons they had to teach us. To do things together that sometimes didn’t require talking at all.
To appreciate the immense beauty of peace, love and simplicity.
——
That’s why the other day, when I was telling my sister about my love life and getting some perspective on the men I’ve been meeting, the totally disconcerting, very different energy coming out of my new interactions, and how I was sometimes very confused by it – I heard her say:
“What are you looking for in a man? Excitement, you already know what that’s like. Crazy, passionate, fast-paced, exhausting love – you’ve done that a million times. Maybe you feel lost because evolving means moving toward something different, something calm, beautiful, slow, something that leaves you room for your own life, room to breathe… Maybe you’re ready to meet someone you can be at peace with?”
——
Yes, I know, I’m lucky to have such an amazing sister on my side.
I’m lucky to have had the courage to leave behind addictive friendships and learn to love real, kind, present people.
And I’m also lucky I knew to let my sense of humor run away. To tell it thank you for its service, and welcome it back when it visits me from time to time. To accept that we can’t change without letting some parts of ourselves, parts we might love, parts that might have saved us at one time or another – dissolve and fade into the distance.
Translated by Andrea Perdue
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Thoughtful, brave post. Thank you
Thank you for this moving and courageous essay. Shakespeare did write: “To thine own self be true.” Everyday we have the good fortune to live on this fragile planet with our fragile selves, we have a chance to learn what this means. It’s wonderful that you have a sister who has come to a similar conclusion in life, and who also has your back. Yesterday, because of negligence, one of the world’s greatest masterpieces almost became ashes: Notre Dame Cathedral. Suddenly, in the face of such horror, we are forced to look at what really matters and it’s not on Facebook or Instagram. It’s not in the number of followers we have, but in the authentic life we yearn for, and hope to share with others, who value and treasure the same things. Ordinary life is a miracle. So is the saving of Notre Dame. Let us remember that, this day, this week and for the rest of our lives.
Dear Garance, thank you for writing these thoughts so beautifully. It’s amazing how we change through life and discover what we really need and want, what feels good and brings us peace and what is best to let go of. Humor and sarcasm can be masks for feelings that are too difficult to deal with and its sometimes hard to realize. There is nothing I love more than good heartfelt laughs with friends but it seems more rare these days. So I am grateful for finding those laughs watching funny things my dog does and from movies. Love reading about the changes you experience . Merci bien!
Love love love. I am at a similar place in my life, although quite possibly facing it with less grace and wisdom. I, too, have a wonderfully wise sister, and a tricky, flashing sense of humor that sometimes creates connection and sometimes disconnection – from people, experience, my own feelings. Your words land powerfully. Thank you. May your lack of humor bring you joy :)
Same same <3 so much love to you, Garance!
Mais attends Garance, je vais venir te faire des blagues et te chatouiller sous les bras ! J’ai vu dans une vidéo des années 80 une femme qui disait “La tendresse me parait une chose d’une tristesse épouvantable. Si vous me permettez une comparaison un peu familière je vous dirais que quand on a aimé le café fort, on se contente difficilement du décaféiné. Mais ça c’est une impression personnelle, il y a des gens qui se contentent tout à fait du décaféiné. Pour moi la tendresse dans un couple quand on a connu l’amour, c’est le décaféiné.” Ça marche pour l’amour mais aussi l’amitié et pourquoi pas l’humour. Il y existe des passions qui ne sont pas destructrices !
I think this is the first time I comment but this text resonated even more with me than many others. I was saying the same thing to my husband yesterday. I was known for my humor but I realised I dont laugh as much as I used to, or rather I don’t want to go on with the mean side of laughter. But can we be funny without being a little mean ?
My sister was the funniest person I ever met, always the soul of the party ; if she wasn’t cracking jokes, making all her friends laugh she would get (acerbic) comments. I never realised how bad it had gotten until she snapped and had to be medicated. She was never allowed to be herself, to have a rest, to be heard for herself, she had a role to play in this “comédie humaine”. So she took a step back and lost all her “friends”.
Thank you for sharing. Your thoughts always make us think, have a different look at our life.
To be honest, this bummed me out. I understand what you mean, but I think humor is such a huge part of life, and jokes don’t have to be cruel or aimed at others to be funny. I am happy for you that you are finding peace and comfort in your life – but what always drew me to your writing was the joy and life and spirit that I felt from you. But in this post, you literally describe your new friends as “boring” and say your humor is “dissolving away from you.” I think humor is a critical part of the human condition, and life is dull without it. You can be peaceful, and zen, and relaxed – and laugh until your sides hurt, with people who are both good and lively.
You’re the only person who knows what matters to you and I’m sure this issue is so much more complex than can ever be conveyed in one post, and I am just a stranger on the internet. But please don’t put out your fire in favor of being still water – you can be both (a bonfire on the shore of a placid lake).
Superbe illustration et ce moment me parle aussi
What a beautiful tale! I can relate and have lost it for different reasons. I’m trying not to worry about it : ) Are we having a mid-life crisis?! I can see how that happens, all the steps leading to this place. Your new life sounds better despite the missing bit of humor. It will find it’s way back in the most unexpected way, I’m sure of it. Hugs and thank you for sharing deeply.
I’ve read about some definitions of humor/comedy. Many times it is about ‘benign violations’. But the definition of benign is relative as you pointed out.
But I think you can cultivate humor and delight in unexpected joyful moments. My little nieces love my BF and we get a kick out of how they clamor for him on FaceTime.
And create humor through creating fun situations by playing games or physical silliness which we don’t seem to prioritize as adults. I take a Zumba class and it’s an outlet for physical goofiness inasmuch as I try to nail the dance moves.
My girlfriends (and significant others) have a monthly game night. Potluck and wine and we’ve played various board games and laugh as we try to figure out the rules and we catch up on life too.
Some but not all comics are tragic, the same can be said for those that aren’t comics. Humour is one of my favourite things you can’t beat a good laugh. I really seek out laughs, my husband is very witty and we laugh every day. We attend the comedy festival every year and I agree with you we avoid ascerbic wit. My son recently put me on to Adam Buxton podcasts, he conducts amusing interviews, he puts a smile on my face when working out. Also it’s one of the things I’ve always liked about the Dali Lama and young children they both giggle.
J’aurais pu écrire ces mots, vraiment. L’effet miroir est magique quand il traverse les océans et avec une personne qu’on ne connaît que virtuellement…
Choisir ses amis en laissant les anciens, faire du vide pour accueillir le plein … je réalise que je me sens beaucoup plus remplie qu’avant, nourrie, en profondeur, alors que objectivement je vois beaucoup moins de monde !!
Merci pour ces mots et une immense gratitude de voir ton chemin si clair et si beau éclore sous nos yeux ?
So beautifully written as always! You are an amazing person!!! HUGS!
I think it was the great comic George Carlin who said it’s never funny to make fun of the weak. That pretty much eliminates mean jokes.
I’m with you–I sometimes want to laugh at situations knowing they’re absurd, but often they are absurd because of someone’s vulnerability or naiveté. And I can’t joke or laugh because I put myself in that person’s shoes. It makes me an insufferably serious and unfunny person. But not mean.
Your honest accounts of your journey offer your readers a sane alternative, an accessible role model, in the face of societal and social media pressures to be so very different–materialistic, shallow, power-hungry. Thank you.
L’humour que tu regrettes il ressemble beaucoup à du cynisme non ? c’est donc sans doute une très bonne nouvelle de l’avoir un peu perdu. Rire d’autres choses c’est rire aussi ;)
Je suis tellement sensible que les larmes me sont montées aux yeux en lisant ce que t’ecris ta sœur.
Moi je ne dis jamais de mal de personne et je me dis toujours que ceux qui disent du mal des autres doivent au fond de juger bien durement eux-mêmes pour avoir une opinion si tranchée de ce que devraient faire les autres ;-)
Bienvenue au pays des bisounours ?
I felt like writing a long, sensitive, soulful, very personal comment. But you said it on point. So this is my comment: try Laughter Yoga. No joke.
So much this. To sisters! To selves!
Thank you for sharing this. Bisous.
I don’t really understand what Garance is saying here. Is this part of maturity, being more genuine and editing ones life for the better? Or is this a bit sad and low? I’m not sure.
But that’s the thing about life, it’s always changing. Growth is optional.
I enjoy your writing, Garance. And your openness.
“Life is about changing. Growth is optional”
Love this ;)
The laughter will come back in the best way. My best friend and I laugh all the time. Sometimes at ourselves gently or just how funny life is. When you have someone who knows you so well as your sister does you, it starts to come easily. Looking out your window at nature and the funny way animals navigate their day can bring a good chuckle. It’s there just buried inside you.
Part of the reason that comics seem so acerbic is that the world is showing it’s mean side right now but we can make it soft again. I have found myself not being able to laugh at those I used to think were funny. It’s too real now, too painful. Art always reflects life.
Ah Soundbaths are magical. I think people make fun of LA because there might be a wee bit of jealousy. We really don’t care if it seems ridiculous. We are game to try anything. Relax and and enjoy the ride.
Much love to you as you continue on your journey.
Oh Garance, thank you so much for sharing this. I have to say, I followed you religiously when I was a student, over a decade ago. Then I kinda thought that I had absolutely zero in common with your then fabulous fashion life so I stopped. And then started again a few months ago and since then I feel like I can relate to you like to noone else I actually know. It seems like we have been going through a very similar journey – from chronic insomnia to trying to reconnect and discover who we really want to be as women. I wish I had a sister to tell me all of that but reading about your experience is the second best thing. Love from London x
Coucou Garance, merci merci merci <3 je me suis mise à pleurer en lisant ce formidable texte que reflète mon présent, tes mots et ceux de ta soeur sont tellement justes… je te souhaite paix & amour, merci ? <3
This is brilliant… plus funny too… you’re going in the the right direction for yourself x
Find the people who make you laugh. There is nothing sexier, nothing better.
I think you would really love and benefit from the lovely writings of a casual friend of mine…Liza Forster. She worked in comedy television in New York even married a comic who has gone on to be quite successful. She had children and lived a “Westside” life (you’re an Angeleno now…you know what that means xx) But, that ended in divorce and then…she got cancer…and then she found yoga…and then she found laughter. She is quite singular! Promise you’ll read a little of her writing at Cheekyyum.com!
I have absolutely NO self-interest in seeing this happen. Serves me in no way…but I think you will find something you are looking for there. Seems your hearts are aligned and perhaps you will even laugh. Happy hunting…xxxx J
Love this so much! I’m feeling the same, though you put words to my emotions. I feel empowered. Thanks!
Yes
I remember losing my ability to laugh. I was burnt out, spent and dead-pan not laughing or even attempting to smile or respond to jokes even when kind. I was working too much and doing too much to please people and forgot about myself. Not a good place to be but as some of your readers have written in as you also experienced, humour is one of the greatest ways to ride the waves in life. It’s like the sunshine and fresh air we let in. However, it’s the sources of the humour that we must pay attention to because it affects and changes us. There is no laughter at the expense of others… You’ve done a lot of people “weeding” in your garden. :) Enjoy the fruits of your labour . xox
Aaahhh, entering your thirties, right , G ? *_*
I feel you !!! Last monday , i went to my 5 year-old nephew karate lesson and while i was there ,me and my Brother had an identical talk with slight nuances, you Know ? Followed by an Amazing dinner with the Machado Teixeira Family !!! Priceless !!! But , yeah, feel you , G !!!
By the way , let me tell you one thing …Humm… You are a Brilliant Creature !!!
It takes a courage to live a life you want, despite anything and anybody. The only constant is change. Be well Garance, we are in this together.
Quand j’ai perdu ce sens de l’humour dont tu parles, ça a modifié certains de mes rapports aussi- avec mes parents surtout, curieusement. Mais comme toi je ne rigole pas moins qu’avant.
Par contre quelqu’un devrait écrire un papier sur les Twelve Steps du deuil de pouvoir rire avec quelqu’un qu’on aime!
Garance, I can totally relate! When everything is calm and peaceful. When you meet a guy who actually tells you how he’s feeling, treats you like a princess, has a great family and is frugal…somehow it doesn’t feel right? We all have a tendency towards the dramatic but eventually we have to let it go. I try to make the most of it because you never know when your whole world will be flipped upside down again.
Merci Garance, encore une fois. Ton article arrive à un moment de ma vie où je suis en train de perdre mon humour et où je panique. Mais là, je crois que je vais arrêter de paniquer. J’ai compris. Merci.
Garance! Please can you shut the door on your way out of MY MIND :)
I went through a bad patch a few years ago, prayed to laugh again, laughed like I’d never laughed before, and now I have been wondering what happened to that bellowing woman – I can’t seem to pull her from my past into my present but do I really want? When I wonder if I’ve lost the humour in my life I stop and remember a good-old line by Charlotte York from Sex & The City (movie 1) when she replied to Carrie’s query about whether she will ever laugh again (post breakup with Big) and Charlotte said believing, “Yes, when something is really, really funny.” Those lines give me great pleasure and peace. I don’t have to construct the funny in my life. I can practice active waiting and have a deep appreciation for it when it comes.
The place my laughter seems to come from may not have the same origins as before but it feels like it’s graduated from not just having some screen time in my life, but to being a consistent cast member I like to call, Joy.
P.S Is your sister a Virgo? #TheJoyOfGoingOffTopic :)
Hi Garance, I loved reading this post. It resonated with me a lot as I too have started to prioritize the people with whom I spend my time. I realized that I am very uncomfortable around people using humor at other’s expense. When I had a soul searching moment of thinking about what qualities my very best friends have, they all have several things in common such as honesty, family values, respect for others etc and they never really talk about other people in a catty way. We’ve also never gotten in a fight in over 20 years of knowing each other (because, what on earth is there to fight about with your best friends!?). I find that it is challenging at times, working in fashion, because I tend to feel like “I don’t fit in with the crowd”. But I have managed to find my place in my career and also to have my friends outside of my career. I have also met some nice friends in the industry who have shared values. I think it is all about spending time with people who lift each other up without putting others down. And we always find a way to share many many laughs! Thanks for writing this!! xx
I think I understand what you’re saying.
And thanks again for speaking out.
It makes so much sense. I couldn’t say it better even if I tried.
Hola Garance,
Cada día que escribes algo me sorprendo más, parece que estás hablando de mis sentimientos y emociones, pensaba que a nadie le ocurría como a mi, que sufría por todo, que se siente sola, que no se conoce así misma y por tanto casi nadie de su alrededor la entiende.
No se como hacer para mejorar por que aunque todo el mundo te da consejos, que fácil, verdad!, hay que vivirlo y ya te digo poca gente lo entiendes.
Mucho ánimo.
Besos,
Raquel.
Thank you for expressing so plainly and gracefully something I have experienced myself. It took me 7 years to move out of the excitement craving and biting humour, into peace within myself and with others. I lost friends too but also the drama that went with them. Now I have met my man who doesn’t leave me exhausted, who leaves room for me, who supports my peace. And it’s actually just as exciting, just in a different way. Enjoy the anticipation of the love that is on its way because it will cement your transformation when it does.
I spoke to my friend about this the other day, I said we don’t laugh like we used to in high school. I said it’s because the stakes are higher, life gets bigger, and more beautiful (I have two kids under 2), and harder! I also have a new business with my husband and it’s so amazing and so raw, and sometimes I can’t laugh, and other times I just make my son and myself laugh so hard because I’m so tired and it’s all out of the blue.
I think life gets more raw and precious, and as you said, we feel more for ourselves, and hence for others. Maybe that makes us lucky. Sometimes it’s bittersweet. xm
I don’t interpret Garance’s post as about humor so much as it is about the process of making changes in one’s life, and what is lost and what is gained through this. It can be hard to give up things and people that brought us pleasure in the past, but when we take a long look at them, if they are not aligned with our values, if they are not bringing us peace, joy, fulfillment, if they are contingent upon something toxic, then they will produce toxicity within us. Sometimes the calmer things and people are less exciting, but overall the reward so much more robust and enduring.
Such is the reflective and active journey I have been on this past year as well. Some of the changes have been difficult, but overall the sense of gratitude I have for what I’m creating is very rich.
Garance, thank you for sharing yourself so openly with us. Your posts, especially since you have been engaged in your process of change, are a wellspring of hope. I treat them as a meditation. Thank you!
Thank you so much!
It helps me to leave a false friend !
Sabrina
I am a huge follower of your blog for a long time and you are such an incredible woman.
Sabrina
Merci d’être si sincère et de partager ici, je suis votre blog depuis le début, et j’admire la manière dont vous avez su évoluer dans la vie ( et en construire une qui fait rêver grâce à votre talent et votre travail… L’ Amérique! ) sans jamais vous renier. Cette proximité, cette complicité avec les femmes, c’est une joie de la retrouver dans vos articles.
Yes, after having many exhausting relationships during the life, we feel like we need “calmer sea”, relationship which will not be so passionate and overwhelming. The one which will give us more space and time, which will not burn in passion and end up in ashes.
I always feel so much calmer after reading your essays
C’est vrai que c’est difficile d’être toujours drôle, d’écrire des textes drôles, c’est un vrai travail où il n’entre pas beaucoup de place pour l’insouciance. Je ne suis pas étonnée que les humoristes soient des gens préoccupés. Être et rester drôle, surtout, se renouveler aussi, c’est compliqué. La sagesse est sans doute de ne pas se mettre une pression démentielle et de varier son mode d’expression : humour, émotion, sérieux : nous sommes tout cela à la fois. Quand on n’a existé que sur le registre de l’humour, qui cache souvent une difficulté à s’accepter faillible et la peur de ne pas être aimé, revenir une version plus naturelle de soi-même est très difficile. Être soi, le plus tôt possible, est vital :-)
C’est très intéressant cette réflexion sur l’humour! Je pense que dans beaucoup de cultures (notamment la française, où la capacité à s’exprimer est très importante) on valorise énormément le fait d’avoir de la répartie, de savoir balancer ou encaisser une vanne, d’avoir de l’assurance. Et c’est peut-être ce sens de l’humour là que tu as perdu -en tout cas je sais que c’est le cas pour moi. Je n’ai plus envie de briller au détriment de quelqu’un d’autre, d’avoir l’air cool au lieu d’être vraie, d’avoir le dernier mot à tout prix. Ou alors je fais de l’humour plus basé sur la connivence, pas sur la moquerie.
Chère Garance,
Je vous lis depuis toujours… et cela fait quelque temps que je me demande si vous n’êtes pas HPI (haut potentiel intellectuel). Cette réflexion n’est point venue pour vous flatter mais au contraire pour vous aider modestement puisque vous êtes sur le chemin de la rencontre en vous-même. Être HPI n’est pas comme certains peuvent le penser, juste un quotient intellectuel plus élevé que la moyenne, c’est surtout un mode de pensée en arborescence, une hypersensibilité, et bien d’autres choses complexes et épuisantes si le HPI n’est pas « détecté ». Vos écrits laissent vraiment à penser que vous faites partie des 2% de cette population si particulière…
Je vous conseille vivement ce livre pour ne plus être dans le doute et révéler l’accomplissement de votre âme ??
« Trop intelligent pour être heureux ? » de Jeanne Siaud-Facchin.
« Il n’y a pas de hasard, il n’y a que des rendez-vous. »
Marlène
Merci Garance, que de mots justes ??
Thank you for being such an effective truth-teller. Sending lots of positive energy your way.
Il y a beaucoup de catégories d’humour, et le cynisme n’en est qu’une, comme l’auto-dérision. A toi de trouver la tienne, plus fine, plus subtile et plus empathique. Vouloir briller en société, comme on dit, est une facilité. Irradier la sérénité n’en est pas une, c’est un état.
Et puis l’âge, l’expérience, montrent la voie des relations apaisées, profondes et intelligentes, en respectant l’autre et en se respectant.
C’est la voie que je te souhaite.
Chère Garance,
Ils n’étaient pas vos “amis”…
L’amitié, la vraie, l’amour, le vrai, sont bienveillance et sincérité!
J’ai un peu d’avance sur votre programme: Il y a bientôt 4 ans, j’ai (enfin) fait le point sur moi-même, j’ai (enfin) accepté de me faire aider pour cela: ça fait du bien et ça pique aussi.
Peu de temps après avoir décidé de ne plus me sur-adapter aux autres mais d’être moi-même… Bimmm! J’ai rencontré l’homme de ma vie. Avec qui je suis en paix. Mais en paix…! Rien de moins, rien de plus, … qu’est-ce que c’est bon!
Vous n’avez pas perdu votre sens de l’humour, puisque vous ne vous prenez pas au sérieux, c’est juste que votre humour évolue avec vous, avec votre nouvelle douceur et votre nouvelle sérénité, et c’est bien, non?
Je vous souhaite de bien jolies choses et de savoir en profiter<B
Come on Garance,t’as de loin pas perdu ton humour!La preuve,t’as écris un texte sur la perte de l’humour avec humour meuf !:)
J’aime cette citation « l’humour est la politesse du désespoir ».Je l’utilise beaucoup dans ma vie de tout les jours car selon moi il est notre compagnon invisible qui nous permette d’avoir toujours ce recul nécessaire sur nous meme et la vie.Le cynisme,la moquerie c’est autre chose! Mais l’humour,le vrai,nous aide à vivre et voir la vie plus pétillante et poétique.Et ça,crois moi,une fois que tu l’as,il ne part pas :)
Have you read „a new earth“ by Eckhardt Tolle? Probably yes. Oprah did a 10 hr podcast series with him. It’s as if your thoughts are in the air and I keep reading about this kind of concept which is beautiful and reassuring.
Hello Garance,
I have never commented before, but I’ve been following your blog (and life) for over 6 years now. I have always loved your unique writing (and non-writing! haha) style and perspective. Plus I get to practice French.
But reading this really shocked me and preoccupied me. I’m just 24 but I have gone through very hard and serious things already. My sense of humour and laughing at how bad things were (when there’s nothing else you can do really) have saved me every time. I’m probably sane because of it. I feel that this idea of being humoristic associated with unhappiness and bitterness is very extremist and radical (and in my opinion very American too) of you.
Laughing for me is the best thing in the world. You don’t have to be mean, bitter or in a bad place to be happy. Maybe that’s when irony comes in, and that’s quite a different thing. But having sense of humour and being able to make people (and yourself) laugh is something else. It’s and act of intelligence and spirituality at the same time. It’s elevating. It’s being filled with joy for a few seconds. Until you laugh again. It’s an state of the soul. And being able to joke about things that we are scared of or worried about can help us move on. I’m no doctor or therapist or guru, but I really recommend you try again. And this is just my humble opinion but if you have lost your sense of humour maybe you are not quite jet in that better place in your life. If you managed to laugh at everything and nothing, then that would look more like it.
Sorry for the length of this. I hope you laugh and make your friends laugh again soon,
Casilda.
I’m going through the same thing, Garance! Thank you for helping me feel less alone in this beautiful process of coming home to myself x
Merci Garance d’avoir si joliment partagé ce qui t’habite et qui résonne chez bien des gens, la réalisation que derrière nos attitudes passées, des “postures, des armures” se cachent des blessures que l’on peut guérir. La tendresse qui était cachée en dessous a surgi, une autre forme d’humour aussi viendra, plus généreux que celui d’avant. Inclusif, on rit avec les gens, pas d’eux. Parce que l’on sait bien la sensation de vide, ou de honte qui accompagnait les rires d’avant. J’ai vécu le premier fou-rire de ma vie avec ma mère, âgée de 89 ans, lors d’un voyage. Ce n’était pas possible avant tant j’étais dans le jugement, le ressentiment envers elle. Vive l’acceptation des autres qui naît de celle de soi, vive la tendresse envers soi qui génère celle envers le monde !
Thank you Garance; being French like you, and having worked and lived in the US and UK, I would say you have lost your FRENCH sense oh humor… et c’est une chose qui m’est arrivée aussi, plus dur à vivre quand tu vis en France…
This post is exactly what I’m going through as well. I’ve lost my best fake friends, I made a new life that almost killed me by cutting me off from my previous bullshit and I also lost the ability to laugh at the things I used to.
Humor is a crazy thing; it comes from deep parts of our soul. Humor is often a bit of a performance act, so if you’re no longer interested in performing just don’t perform. If you no longer find the energy to mock, that’s ok. You’re changing. The humor will come again, and maybe from a kinder (albeit less commercial) place.
Garance, je t’ ai suivie pendant des années: ton esprit, ta légèreté, ton charisme mais là, c’ est fini, tu m’ ennuies, tu ne m’ interres plus, byebye and all the best, Nicky
Me demandais juste en passant si le cynisme au quotidien et l’autodérision n’étaient pas une culture très française… je m’explique: j’ai fait un tout petit mais mémorable stage de 3 mois à ny ou j’ai vraiment apprécié « le non jugement », et je ne retrouvais cette humour moqueur (que j’apprécie, j’avoue, pas tant pour la moquerie en tant que telle mais le trait d’esprit qui accompagne une situation, pas toujours agréable pour la personne concernée je l’ai appris depuis) qu’avec une copine française que je m’étais faite… après c’est une question, car les amis américains que je me suis fait sont d’uN milieu plutôt très intellectuel et surtout je manquais de répartie en anglais qui fait que je n’ai jamais pu tester cet humour avec mon entourage…
dear garance,
thank you for this beautiful and honest essay. you articulated what I was feeling for quite a while but couldn’t grasp it. THANK YOU ???
dear garance,
thank you for this beautiful and honest essay. you articulated what I was feeling for quite a while but couldn’t grasp it. THANK YOU
Dear Garance,
I love how your letters to us get deeper. The way I read the post and the sense of humour you describe it, is (also) about humour as a particular kind of defence mechanism. Not that it is all about that, more that there is a protective aspect to it against an experience of the world which can be overwhelming or tough.
Laughter comes from many different places inside us, doesn’t it… More or less joyful. None of us is all sunshine and smiles, we are all mixtures. Jokes and laughter can bond us to each other and separate us too and this follows the rhythms of relationships themselves, in constant movement, closer and apart and back again. Like sea tides.
I am very glad you take us along for the journey.
Anastasia
This was written from your souls and it is beautiful. The essay really spoke to me. I am 57, in my mind I still feel like a 30 year old but with age comes sage wisdom. I feel like the same thing happened to me… I transitioned, matured. It is a gift- because some find it later and some never find it. As we ave I feel like there will be more transitions that we can embrace, enjoy and share. Thank you for putting it all into the perfect words. I am saving this to share with my calm, slightly boring and balanced friends :). I also love sound baths and gong baths are even better!
Ah this is a beautiful post. Humor (of the stand up or edgy variety) belies the misery and lack of completion behind it.
As for the changing relationships I think the electricity we sometimes feel w people tends to come from unhealthy patterns. It took me 2 years to realize my placid, deep feelings for my now husband were what sane love feels like- as opposed to the gut checking excitement of my “love” for people who were addicts, unavailable, etc.
I used to mock earnestness (and my Brit husband still finds it somewhat uncomfortable). now I find as I crawl out of a particularly dark four years (three too many #metoo experiences demanded attention just as I became a mother) that my humor no longer hinges oncultural/social identities that I deem funny.
Once you come out the other side of pain perhaps earnestness is the by product? I would love to watch an emotionally honest and enlightened comic…
On another note my friends have a podcast you might like- esp episodes since the autumn of 2018. It’s called bliss and grit – about the modern path of spirituality and growth.
Thank you for this relentlessly honest piece–your vulnerability replacing the armor that used to serve you so well. I can so relate to feeling like I came off heavier and more serious when I began searching for my true self. I used to hide behind being the fun girl. Over the past decade of lots of therapy (love!) and study, I think that being more comfortable with unmasking my personal flaws has turned out to be where my humor now escapes–often times without me even knowing it.
I think it’s a great thing, Garance, to get back to your “essence.” And maybe your “essence” has now morphed into something else; culturally, spiritually, creatively, maturity. Culturally it’s a bit strange and I can see how the french/american thing is probably hard to reconcile- the same thing happened to me living in Australia for 5-6 years; weirdly, I didn’t feel like myself but rather another (more subdued or diluted) version of myself while living there. Even lost my style mojo. And now I’m probably an amalgam of everywhere I’ve lived (+NYC for years, so i can relate). About the men: my mother said the same thing to me after a long string of “charismatic” (read: intense, dramatic) men. She said “you’re always looking for exciting, but what’s wrong with good, kind and CARING!?” So FINALLY that’s what I have now. And it *does leave room to be and navigate yourself and not suck up your energy by being in their maelstrom. ;) Also though- I feel like the humor may have left temporarily because of all the tough things you’ve been through, and that it will show up again! (but served up a little differently this time.) It’s good to distill yourself down into the good/pure things, or dial it back some…but you don’t need to absolutely *sanitize/erase yourself :) xoxox
Standing ovation. Wonderful, insightful and honest….as always.
Oh, Garance, the million ways in which this resonated with me! Thank you for this post. I’ve felt that as we get older, we really start to shed people. They just fall off us like dead skin.
The “meme-culture” has really fed and fatted the “mean-culture”, and it’s become so easy to bully people in the guise of humour. At 35, I know better (and I really try) than to get affected, but I’m not sure how I would handle this if I were much younger. Like they say, a joke is often 80% truth. We have plenty of jokes flying around. It’s posts like this that remind us that we still have the power to laugh and then, tell the jokers that they can “stuff it”.
Oh I feel you! I went to my first sound bath in a 10th century monastery on the Amalfi Coast and couldn’t decide whether to giggle or sink into it. So really, I did both and it was a wonderful experience…and the girl who led it!??? Well, she was the essence of calm as they had LOST her luggage in ROME and she was headed to Tuscany the next day. No way was that luggage going to make it’s way to her and she was non plussed. So I just gave her some of my clothes and decided it was a really good lesson for me. (PS your post still made me laugh)
Get a little bit grittier than malibu spiritual hikes and hosting expensive retreats. You’ve come so far but your soul is crying out for the real sh*t that makes a difference – it’s time for you to take that step, I love and believe in you. Can you work to help indigenous women in the area you held your retreat to produce crafts you can sell to support their families? Follow the laughter always, I soak seeds and make my own bread and talk to my orchids and take yoga 5 days a week and my husband laughs at me – I laugh back. Don’t be precious ( I know that you are not) Expand your beautiful soul a little more – I am so proud of you and I sense some lack in this post. go get it garance!
Sound baths are amazing. Everything washes over you and away in wave after wave.
Here is a thought. How about not thinking about yourself 24/7 and volunteering to help the less fortunate. Join meals on wheels. Help immigrants. You will find yourself in their eyes not at a gong bath or a goat yoga class.
Bonjour Garance
je te connais depuis la sortie de ton livre, tu étais en pleine gloire, comme je comprends ton article, j’ai perdu pied en septembre 2017 au retour de mes vacances en Italie, je ne comprenais pas j’étais fatiguée physiquement et psychologiquement alors que j’avais passé 15 jours au soleil, je suis allée voir mon généraliste et il me dit je ne peux rien faire pour vous, vous faites de la dépression allez voir voir votre psychothérapeute. ouah le mot dépression avait été prononcé et pour moi cela n’était pas possible, pas moi, moi qui avait vécu de l’âge de 13 ans à 23 ans la dépression folie de ma mère, ce n’était pas possible, je me suis battue contre elle pour qu’elle guérisse et je m’étais jurée adolescente jamais je ne serais comme cela et faire vivre cela à mon enfant, cela était impossible. Et donc je suis restée encore plusieurs mois avec des nuits blanches des angoisses un mal être invraisemblable et de faire bien devant la famille et les amis, car il ne comprendrait pas de voir une Véronique mal, moi qui montre toujours ce que les autres veulent bien voir et surtout ce qui les arrangent, et la on voit les vrais amis, enfin de compte je me suis rendu-compte que je n’avais personne. Et en janvier 2018, je suis tombée à terre et là mon psychothérapeute a compris et surtout il a admis qu’il pensait que j’allais me sortir de ce trou noir seule comme je le faisais depuis de nombreuses années, mais cette fois ci ce trou noir m’avait complètement angloutie, et je m’étouffais, je mourais à petit feu mais sûrement. La mort n’est pas venue souffler son souffle froid sur moi, le fait que j’ai un petit garçon je pense que cela à aider pour qu’elle ne vienne pas jusqu’à moi. Donc le 12 JANVIER 2018 j’avais mon ordonnance avec les anti dépresseurs que j’avais maudits jusqu’alors avec ma mère. je suis allée à la pharmacie s’était le samedi, j’ai commencé le dimanche midi, mais j’avais très peur des effets, j’avais peur de ne plus être moi, une loque, un légume…. Et puis j’ai rien ressenti, et puis au bout de quelques jours de traitements, ce trou noir devenait moins puissant, il me permettait de sortir la tête quelques heures par jour au départ, et jour après jour j’ai appris à être moi, avec mes faiblesses et mes forces, et surtout de garder que les personnes positives et aimantes auprès de moi, celles qui me rendent plus fortes et qui sont fières de moi et me donnent des ailes pour faire des choses que je n’aurais jamais osées et de ne pas me soucier de ce que pense les autres. De profitez des moments présents, et de me détacher des personnes négatives. Suite à cela des problèmes de santé sont venues s’ajouter, donc pas tt les jours faciles, je sais que j’aimerais faire des choses qui me correspondent vraiment, changer de travail, vivre pleinement, pas encore possible pas assez forte et surtout je dois régler ces problèmes de santé qui m’épuisent. Garance tu as la chance d’avoir une soeur qui est présente qui est ton âme soeur, que cela doit être doux, malheureusement moi j’ai une soeur, mais notre histoire familiale n’a pas fait une famille très soudée malheureusement. En février 2017, j’ai frôlé la mort, celle-ci est venue rôder très très près de moi, je l’ai sentie prête à m’engloutir et aucun membre de ma famille est venue me tenir la main, donc pas facile tout cela à digérer. Passe tt le temps que tu peux avec elle profite profite. Par contre comme toi depuis février 2018 je pratique le yoga matin et soir seule et le week avec ma prof, et je pris un abonnement avec Claire Andrewitch cours de yoga en vidéo conseil en nutrition et je pratique aussi la méditation et cela me fait un bien fou, si je ne pratique pas je me sens moins forte et dynamique. Par contre mon rêve serait de vivre au bord de l’océan.
Voilà je voulais te raconter mon histoire et pour te dire comme je comprends tt ce que tu ressens et vis. PRENDS SOIN DE TOI PENSE A TOI je te souhaite plein de belles choses à venir et surtout beaucoup de douceur dans ta vie, je t’embrasse fort Véronique (France)
great post Garance!
could not agree more!
I think that the day all changes is the day when you realize that what you want and what you need are two very different things.
Merci Garance, je suis toujours touchée par ta franchise, et oui ça fait plaisir de lire tout ça quand on te lit depuis très longtemps. Peut être aussi le moment de voir ta valeur, toi qui t’émerveilles tellement sur les personnes que tu rencontres ;).
Juste magnifique
Chère Garance. Ce texte est très beau. J’aurais pu en écrire chaque mots (avec moins de talent ;) ) tellement cela ressemble à ce que je vie depuis 1 an et demi. La dépression, la fin de ce que j’appelle “le ricanement”, cette chose qui faisait tellement partie de mon ancienne vie, de mes anciens amis (que j’ai perdu aussi). Puis ce grand vide, que je vis maintenant comme un cadeau…Puis les cercles de femmes, la sophro, la spiritualité….moi ancienne grosse fetarde parfois un peu snob, un peu “poseuse”. Je me suis rencontré et c’est merveilleux. Belle vie à vous Garance.
I went through something similar a few years ago in my mid-late thirties… different manifestation in myself, but exactly what your sister says there in regards to the men I’d been with before (with no success) and the man, so not my type!!, who I met a little over three years ago. This was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, falling in love with him. Allowing myself to fall in love with him. And to let go of how I thought others might perceive him… It was so hard, and so worth it.
Just be nice to people, have gratitude, do what feels right (maybe yoga with goats or sound baths, I guess), help the less fortunate, keep up your valuable work (and be thankful for it) and this moment will be ok.
I like sense of humor but not being anybody’s clown. Also, sometimes there are friends who expect you to be the life all the party all the time, and that is such a high bar I don’t want to reach. We are human, have our ups and downs, our great gains and losses. I believe it is very fortunate to have friends and people around us who take us as we are, happy or sad, without money, fame or glamour.
What an interesting, evocative topic. I love reading what you write, but this one (engaging and well-written as always) took a while to sink in. I wonder if I’m the only one who thought, “but, is she happy, then? No laughter? No humor?” I’m sure I’m not the only one since I grew up in a culture that often equated laughter with cruelty, unkindness, or mischief. Growing up I’d often get chided for laughing with friends over something beyond the ears or grasp of adults. “What are you two laughing at?” did hold a hint of accusation, even if the adult didn’t assume the worst.
My point is, it took me several hours to discover the wonderful truth I already knew: laughter comes from joy. Laughter comes from every permutation of joy. Singing, snuggling, star-gazing can all elicit a laugh from me. So, no, of course you are not missing out on anything by refining what makes you laugh. Thank you for reminding me! xoxo
Dear Garance,
I can’t thank you enough for having written this. I’ve never been much of a comic, and it has never felt right to have fun at the expense of other’s imperfections or misery. However, I’m constantly sorrounded by people who does, and it leads me to wonder if there’s something wrong with me for being this way. I love who I am, but at the same time, lacking this type of humor makes believe I must be the most boring person on earth.
Anyway, it’s good to know I’m not the only one who feels this way, thanks for making me realize I’m not alone!! Haha
Xoxo.
Si on n’a rien de positif à dire il vaudrait mieux se taire: partant de ce pincipe il me faudrait me taire, mais je vois que je ne suis pas la seule à avoir un ressenti different alors my two cents:
trop d’introspection tue l’introspection!
Tu as l’age et tu vis les memes experiences que mon amie Joana à qui il a fallu dire il y quelques jours qu’à trop se chercher elle est en train de se perdre, qu’elle se regarde vraiment un peu trop le nombril maintenant, qu’à trop vouloir tout analyser/decortiquer/mettre dans des cases (absolument tout: sa vie, ses amies, sa famille, le travail, ce qu’elle mange, les mecs d’avant, ceux qu’elle rencontre via Tinder et les futurs, tout, un peu comme toi à juger par tes posts) elle finit par perdre de vue l’essentiel, et surtout (il faut le dire) elle devient chiante!
En fonction du dernier stage de developpement personnel qu’elle a suivi on peut prevoir le type de mec qu’elle va aborder, les changements qu’elle va mettre en place dans sa vie, les lessons learned qu’elle va nous seriner quelques semaines après, mais c’est un cercle vicieux car au final le temps passe (les modes de “developpement personnel” aussi) et elle se cherche toujours autant…
Comme elle, ca fait un bail Garance que tu vis dans des extremes (plus de sucre, plus de café, plus d’humour, et j’en passe) mais je ne suis pas sure que ce soit la meilleure facon de se trouver…
Je rejoins les rares qui te suggerent un pas de coté: tu es talentueuse et tu as su contruire ta chance d’avoir un travail que tu aimes et que tu peux gerer comme tu veux, tu es drole (meme si tu pense que c’est pas bien, maintenant) et intelligente, peut-etre que faire un peu de bénévolat (il fut un temps, j’ai aussi vecu à Los Angeles, il y a de quoi faire) ou monter un projet un peu alternatif (style fair trade, comme quelqu’un a ecrit plus haut avec des communautés que tu rencontre lors de tes retraites) pour t’occuper l’esprit avec du concret et prendre un peu de distance d’avec ton nombril, en plus du yoga, de la meditation, etc… peut-etre…
Ce dont je suis sure, c’est qu’un jour ca va aller enfin bien, tout simpement, et c’est tout ce que je vous souhaite, à Joana et toi :-)
Merci Michela… j’étais en train de me faire la même réflexion sur le touillage de nombril / massage de neurones. L’injonction à se trouver est en train de produire l’exact inverse : laisser du monde sur la route. Comme toi je pense que mettre de l’action et du concret dans le quotidien (utiliser ses mains, cuisiner, jardiner…) ça aide drôlement ! Bien sûr que faire le point sur soi est essentiel et sans doute un passage obligé à un moment ou à un autre de sa vie mais un peu d’instinct, de lâché-prise, de rien c’est pas mal aussi non ? C’était mon jeton à moi aussi et je te souhaite Garance de (re)trouver vite la confiance et de grands éclats de rires. Avec ou sans bains de gongs en fond sonore.
Your sense of humor will come back., maybe different, but it surely will come back because is part of yourself. Perhaps it will be more real but the important thing with the humor is to make yourself happier not others.
What if, It didn’t went away ? it’s there it’s part of you ? Because there’s no way it comes back because it always come from you. You’re your own source of sense of humor you know. Maybe because you don’t need it you’re just being. Like you never needed it with your real friends, more like before meditation you put up yourself with certain people but not necessarily with your real friends because they enjoyed your being ? You Being true to yourself i guess. By the way great article
I’m going through this whole “loosing my sense of humor and loving everyone deeply” Thing. Thanks.
I liked where this started to go, it’s just that I think it could be more honest. Wondering if you have heard about “the dark night of the soul”? Clearly your soul is lighter and more pure. It’s just that in the process, some stuff did occur. The result: New awareness, stark and detached. The result of your ego being massacred (stabbed and jabbed). As the ego does drown so the questioning begins, eerie and distant. Annoyingly thoughtful. Truthful at least but in essence it’s death. The old magic gone. Spiteful dumb garbage sure I agree, but innocence too! Spontaneous and vibrant. Generic girly glee.
So then what? Oh, your article. The purpose, your point. Time to focus on the present. The stamina of old days M.I.A. but hey wait. At least there’s peace now. Peace and chimes plus some GONGS, essential oils and some bongs.
Oh, shoot… No. I meant SONGS.
Plus pet cats and pet rats.
Frogs? Oh you bet. How about turtles? Oh indeed!
Not to mention some new dudes. Nerdy and sweet.