Love Good
9 years ago by
Complacency in a relationship = the beginning of the end.
Ok, so not that I’m some crazy self-help-book-writing relationship expert, but I think I’ve worked it out. And by it I mean what to not do if you want a relationship to work: just let things cruise along. I was talking to G about it the other day, and it’s so true — none of us can read minds (well, at least not G and I so that career as a celebrity psychic will just have to be put on hold). It’s not a desperation thing or a needy thing, it’s just what we all need on the regular no matter who you might be in a relationship with: to be reminded that they care. Small things. Sweet nothings. A simple text. Whatever.
Yeah yeah, it seems logical, but haven’t we all reached that stage in a relationship at some point when we’ve taken it for granted that the other person just knows that everything’s dandy. We assume they know how much we care, or how amazing we think they look. But it’s not true. You have to put in a little elbow grease every now and then to make a relationship last. Well, to make it good.
So, even though when it’s bad it’s bad, maybe all of our love lives would be a little better, our relationships last a little longer, if we got a little cheesy from time to time…
What do you think is the secret to relationship success? (Maybe I’m totally off the mark and my mom’s advice on getting to a man’s heart via his stomach was right all along. Ha.)
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I’m not a relationship expert, but I think the secret is… there are no secrets to relationship success. You figure it out as you go along, and I think you learn to adjust your expectations — maybe that’s the secret, to stop comparing your real-life relationship with the idealized one that exists in your mind.
Meaning some complacency is probably okay. Relationships have phases, and seeing where they lead is important. Today people say “Nope, next” as soon as something goes wrong (the “Tinder Effect”), allowing us to think some “perfect” relationship is out there. But maybe saying “Hey, this isn’t perfect, but we love each other and I think he’s pretty hunky and I enjoy being with him here, now” is enough.
Completely agree. And as a working mom of small kids, I think this also applies to sex. Sometimes the fatigue is so overwhelming and so real, that very quickly days can turn into weeks before you know it. It’s something we constantly remind ourselves – we need each other more than anything else, and we need to show it. In a number of different ways ;-)
I have learned that you get what you give. If you are not feeling loved, try loving more. If you feel like you are not receiving enough compliments, try giving more compliments. Relationships take work. People are not perfect. You have to help each other be the best you both can be.
relationships are not easy and I definitely agree that we can all use a little cheese!
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The minute you take for granted the other person, the relationship automatically comes to an end. And to be honest that means your are not interesting anymore to him/her.
The secret… well I would say, important ingredients for any relationship is Maturity & Honesty.
Another thing that ones should ask itself is if she/he really wants to be in a relationship. Cause many people are, not because they want to (deep down they want to be free and independent) but because there is this big belief about being in a relationship is the right thing to do ;)
Hugs from Athens :)
For me, routine is the killer. That’s how my previous relationship of 8 years ended. I think both partners must continue to develop as individuals. Being open, spontaneous, and honest rank high among my list of priorities. I’d rather we have a bad day and then an amazing one than all of them being average. When I’m annoyed with my boyfriend, I think of what an amazing person he is and how lucky I am he thinks this way about me, too. And I don’t want gifts or flowers, but I like holding hands and being hugged from behind while I brush my teeth :)
A year ago, I met someone. Some time after he left for holiday at a friend’s house, I managed to get the address and sent him just the illustration of the post: a white card with a lipstick kiss on it, only wrote: come back to me soon.
After I made tons of little attentions : cards and letters now and then, visited by surprise, little gifts of things that made me think of him when I had seen them, took him to the theatre by surprise…
Unfortunately he wasn’t that generous, I gave it all, received so little, left him but came back.
On Monday he told me he had met somebody else and wanted to see her again.
Oh well…
Your mom’s advice worked for me! My now husband once told me when we first started dating, “If you learn to make decent wings, I pretty much have to marry you.” I still don’t know how to make decent chicken wings, but I did lock him down with a pretty damn good meatloaf. ;-)
What has worked for us over the past 10 years is that we still like doing nice things for each other, and we always express our appreciation for those things. We say “thank you” or “I really appreciate that you…” far more often than we say “I love you.” Of course, we do love each other – but it’s a lot more meaningful to hear that the effort we put into our relationship is noticed and appreciated, rather than just expected because “that’s what married people do.”
We do our best not to take the other for granted, which keep us both motivated to keep doing nice little things for each other every day. It gets easier over time to anticipate what your partner wants/needs, but it also becomes easy to forget that those things aren’t givens in a relationship – so it’s important to say “thank you” as often as you can. :-)
But what does it mean, “taking the other one for granted”?
Taking the other one for granted does not mean that we think he will stay no matter what, no matter our bad mood, no matter our lack of effort. It may just mean we trust him, that he will stay around because he cares, even if there are temporary difficult times.
Of course it’s essential to care about the other, to show him in different ways how much we love him, but we should not be anxious all the time and fear he leaves, in other words we should not be too pushy with “our kind efforts”, because this is really terrible for the other one and definitely a love killer ! Space, privacy and air to breathe, these are nice presents as well.
People are different, but still…
I just read Patty Smith’s book “Just kids” about his relationship with Robert Mapplethorpe. It made me think what love is.
Maybe it’s really accepting the other person even if you don’t always understand him/her. Or maybe even accepting the fact that we never really understand ourselves, not to speak about the others. And that it’s OK.
You should be able to feel deep feelings and not always think where it will head or what you get in return.
In Tolstoy’s “War and peace” it says: “To understand everything means to forgive everything.”
The tricky part finally is – you should never let anybody walk over you. So how do you do that bearing in mind everything I said before? :)
Any relationship is a compromise, I’ say. And maybe it’s even more about letting go the small things than noticing them.
I’m still trying to figure it out..As my last experience was pretty painful. If you want to have some laughs reading about the mysteries and mishaps of relationships. I highly recommend new novel by Nina Stibbe “Man at the Helm”, its beyond hilarious but in between the lines, there is also so much true about what relationships can be…
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