DORÉ

I really really love this post. I wish everyone were as insightful as you. We Americans are hyped-up about everything – what school to attend, what neighborhood to live in, what boyfriend or spouse to “have” – as if you ever “have” anybody! Where’s the joy in any of that? The exploration, the living? It’s insane and slightly sick. I’ll take the French approach any day.

Perfectly said.

You know Garance, you can be super insightful. I have to say this is my all time favourite post, even though I love to see Alber sing! It makes me want to move to France though ;) Why do you think NY is so complex? I wonder about other cities but I secretly want to move to France!

Haha, hélas depuis l’arrivée de Tinder, Happen & Co, les dates ont explosé ici aussi… Sauf qu’on dirait que seuls les mecs connaissent les règles du jeu. Et les filles tombent tjs de haut (un bon gratte-ciel new yorkais) quand après la première nuit, le mec ne les rappelle pas…
Un manuel sur les dates en France à l’usage des Françaises s’impose aussi! (Ou un manuel pour les mecs français qui établirait les nouvelles règles du dating!! )
Alixxx
http://alixdebeer.com

How boring perfection, a bit of ‘imperfection does not hurt, characterizes us!
Passa a trovarmi VeryFP

AU SECOURS!!!
Et bien il en faut de la volonté et du caractère pour être heureuse et épanouie à NYC!! Bonne chance les filles!
Cela fait un peu flipper la parisienne que je suis et je me dis qu’on n’est pas si mal ici, même très bien…
Pour en revenir au “concept” de date. J’avais à peu près compris ce que c’était mais un paramètre que tu donnes m’avait échappé: que notre date nous dise quelles autres nanas il date. Je trouve cela atroce, c’est totalement cruel, et inutile en plus. Pourquoi savoir avec qui on est en concurrence, cela fausse le jeu. Bonjour le naturel et la sincérité…
Garance, dans cette jungle, par pitié ne perd pas ta french touch!!

Les célibataires new yorkais ont un mot pour traduire “spontanéité” ???

Post trés intéressant. Je dirai que tous ces aspects abordés sont de l’ordre du culturel.
En France par exemple, il est trés mal vu d’être ambitieux, de vouloir accéder à une certaine réussite sociale (aka l’argent) ou en tout cas de le montrer. Surtout pour une femme. Et Encore plus quand on est de couleur ( aka pas causasien). Mais c’est un autre sujet.
De même pour l’homme de notre vie en France. Nous les françaises sommes romantiques. L’amour, l’eau fraîche, tout ça. Il est mal vu de chercher un homme parfait et surtout riche.
Nous françaises prétendons nous prétendons libres et donc vouloir autre chose. L’aventure, la galanterie, l’homme aimant et gentil. Je pense qu’il s’agit un peu d’hypocrise mais cela n’engage que moi.

I think you are so right that in France it’s is not well regarded to be ambitious. That’s too bad for ambitious people. I find they are thwarted in France. In the US, if you are ambitious, you can be “epanouie” what is it in English, fulfilled?

Hé bien c’est pas trop drôle dit comme ça. J’ai lu le livre Gone Girl (tu en avais parlé) et ça m’a vachement fait réfléchir sur le fait qu’il faille absolument être cool et qu’en fait ça n’existe pas une fille cool et parfaite. C’est carrément un antagonisme non ? Alors pourquoi on continue à nous faire croire que c’est possible.
Bon pour ce qui est du job parfait je pense que tu es pas mal placée, bon point pour ton futur date ;)
On dirait que l’Europe te manque un peu ces derniers temps, non ?

I feel like the answer is simple. Move out of NYC.

Yes you’re business is here, but you’re so popular worldwide that you could easily move it.

Yep, I feel the same. This NY way sounds super strange and sad…maybe anyone that comes to NYC dreams big and these dreams include the personal life.

I’m wondering how much this piece represents all New Yorkers. I say this as someone who lives in Los Angeles and hears a lot of stereotypes about that city, like all the women are plastic, people are fake, health nuts, etc. While there is truth to that stereotype, it only applies to a segment of the city. If you don’t live on the Westside and run with those sorts of people, you don’t live that sort of lifestyle. I imagine the same is true for New York City. Also, I met my husband in L.A. and we dated in the same way you describe here as the French style of dating. We met, hit it off and only dated each other. I can think of other couples who met and dated in the same way. So, I don’t think this is necessarily a French way of dating. The dating rituals you describe sound as if they apply to a select group of elite, social climbing New Yorkers.
http://totalbettymedia.com

I agree. Garance, your post is awesome and perfectly reflects a lot of the things that are typical in certain social categories in NY and other big cities in the US.

It’s funny to note the cultural and sociological contrasts between France and the US, between Paris and NY (I’m French-American, and know both Paris and NY quite well).

However, I agree with the above. This is true in certain cliques, social categories, etc. Not all New Yorkers are like that. I never dated. I would just hit it off with a guy, or not. No particular ritual. Just like in France. Rest assured, not all Americans are as complicated as what you describe. Thank god!

I was never bothered by this pressure. I never let it get to me and didn’t feel the stress/need to conform. Personally, I didn’t care if I “fit in” or not. I was never attracted by those superficial standards that some people hold so dear and have convinced them that it’s how it should be. And, that’s how I met some of my dearest US friends, who themselves are not irked by this parallel dimension of the real world, and lead perfectly happy lives. ;)

And, I LOVE NY.

Oddly enough, I felt more pressure when I moved to Paris. I don’t let it get to me anyway, cuz that’s my nature, but I do feel the pressure a lot more than in NY.

So, tu sum up, just stay true to yourself. Those who judge you because you don’t follow the sociologically-correct guidelines for the “perfect life” aren’t worth your while.

That’s also the beauty of NYC. You can just be yourself and it won’t play against your. Et ce sera tout à ton honneur.

Merci beaucoup pour ce post, si vrai, si intelligent (et effrayant d’une certaine manière). Il me fait beaucoup de bien car il met des mots sur une tendance que j’avais du mal à expliquer ou à voir de manière aussi clairvoyante (mais je vis en France).
Je crains parfois que ton blog ne rentre dans cette catégorie de blogs qui ne montrent que des femmes parfaites, des vies parfaites, des moments parfaits, des décorations d’intérieur parfaites, etc. Et j’avoue être tentée de ne plus venir, car il peut y avoir une réelle toxicité à ce genre de lecture. On reste dans l’admiration d’un idéal qu’on est à l’avance fatiguée de devoir atteindre, et/ou qu’il nous est impossible d’atteindre de toute manière! Merci donc encore de temporiser tout cela.

J’ai le même sentiment parfois..

Comment les new-yorkais font pour rester serein.
Pour moi le début d’une relation est excitante et folle, pleine d’adrénaline…
En France on ne sait pas si une histoire va durer une semaine ou une vie, et ce n’est pas ce qui compte.
Ce qui compte est de vivre la relation intensément.

Je ne sais pas si malgré mon âge je suis vieux jeu mais se donner les chances de réussire une histoire d’amour, c’est être tourné vers l’autre. Pas en quête perpétuelle de mieux…

A NYC j’ai l’impression qu’il s’agit d’un projet (benchmark, test comparatifs, mise en situation…) En france, c’est spontané et ça dure ce que ça dure.

Merci Garance pour ce post!
Et garde ta spontanéité.

I have been dating my Parisian boyfriend for two years now and travel between Amsterdam and Paris almost every weekend. Having lived and worked in New York, London and Amsterdam I think the strive of perfection is on the rise EVERYWHERE (why else did I go to a 6:30 AM yogaclass this morning? certainly not for fun…) And I think French men are just as much looking for “perfection” as men in New York, Amsterdam or London. My boyfriend (smoker, never exercises, eats pastries like there is no tomorrow) and his friends keep making fun of one of their best friends “fat” girlfriend. Nobody talks about the fact that she is accomplished (having a great job in Paris as a woman seems to give you minus points in male eyes), fun and most importantly, makes their friend very happy. When I tell my boyfriend that if he were a girl, he would be twice her size his response is “but she is a girl”…go figure. Unfortunately, Parisian girls are also all about the juice detox and exercise now…one of the skinny girlfriends of one of my boyfriends friends once dragged me to “acqua biking” at 8 AM on a Sunday in Paris (the night before when we were on the dancefloor she pinched my butt and giggled at the softness and told me I should join her..). I’m telling you New York ladies, soul cycle has nothing on acqua biking….My conclusion: French men are just as demanding as all the others, the main difference is they absolutely refuse to do sports themselves(and to quit smoking)….;)

Un mot: Flippant ! Ton post me rappelle le livre: les Pintades à New York qui m’avait ouvert les yeux sur New York moi la jeune fille qui rêvait d’habiter à New York depuis un séjour lorsque j’avais 14 ans (donc en gros j’avais une vision très romantisée d’une semaine pendant le Nouvel An). Puis après avec ton blog et tes anecdotes toujours racontées sur un ton humoristique, mais avec une réelle vérité dedans, j’ai vraiment eu un aperçu de cette sorte de folie qui habite New York. Ca va te paraître con, mais parfois j’ai eu peur de perdre la Garance que je connaissais avant le déménagement à New York et en même temps wow je comprend que ça a pas dû être facile de rester soi-même et de lutter contre tout ce tralalala (je sais pas comment appeler tous ces mécanismes dont tu viens de parler). Bon, j’ai toujours envie d’habiter à New York car je sais que c’est là-bas où je pourrais vraiment faire le métier de mes rêves et avoir des opportunités, mais ça m’a beaucoup fait réfléchir n’empêche. J’espère seulement que sur la route je rencontrerais des personnes comme toi qui sont restées elles-même et surtout que je me ferais pas embarquer dans la folie de la perfection.
Le dating, ça me fait flipper aussi. Surtout que je vais sur ma vingtaine (20 ans dans 10 jours !!) et que j’ai déménagé en Angleterre où le “phénomène” existe, mais en moins exacerbé, mais il existe. Donc forcément, moi ce que je connais c’est la vision très cool à la française et en plus j’ai pas non plus dix relations derrière moi (les amours de lycée, voilà quoi…) donc no experience donc flippant et pas envie d’être blessée.
Enfin bref, tout ça pour dire que je suis contente que tu te sois pas perdue dans cette quête de la perfection. Restes toi-même et fait confiance à ton instinct. Les control freak me font flipper de toute façon, elles ont aucun charmes. Je trouve que quelqu’un qui ne maitrise pas tout et qui a quelques “flaws” a beaucoup plus de charme et est plus humain qu’un robot manucuré-brushingué-maquillé parfaitement. Et encore merci de partager tes études sociologiques ;) qui m’aident beaucoup et me font sentir moins looseuse depuis 6 ans.

PS: Juste un petit commentaire: j’ai l’impression que vous postez les posts de plus en plus tard et du coup je me retrouve à les lire rapidement à minuit avant de me coucher ou le lendemain matin si j’ai le temps. J’aimais bien quand vous les postiez à 14h (heure française). Je sais pas si le rythme a changé ou quoi donc je voulais savoir ce qu’il en était. :)

So, so true! Lovely article…

xx, Kristi
http://www.currentlycrushing.com

So many rules and labels; that is frustrating. I moved out of San Francisco for similar reasons, but things are a bit too free there, nobody seemed real. To me the east coast (where I’ve lived most of my life, most recently from Philly, now in England) is much more real. People are more straightforward – less flighty than they were in SF (ex: no man would commit there – to be fair, I didn’t either, because there was so much to go around). I feel like there must be a way – to enjoy the incredible life in NYC without getting tangled up in all these rules and expectations. There just has to be… in Brooklyn perhaps :)

Thanks for sharing this piece your life with us.

http://mimlicious.com

C’est vrai qu’on voit ça tout le temps à le télé et au cinéma, on est même habitués, alors que ce n’est pas du tout comme ça marche chez nous (en Espagne c’est pareil qu’en France). C’est marrant (et même educatif, puisque j’envisage aller vivre un an aux États Unis l’année prochaine) d’entendre (ou plutôt lire) parler de ce thème à quelqu’un de ce côté de l’ocèan haha.
J’ai adoré ce post Garance :)

Well, it’s so true! that’s wht exactly happening in the complicated and super modern city.
Cynicism is exactly wht we practice.
p.s. I am from Hong kong.
http://swingsnowman.blogspot.hk

Take it easy Garance ! Don’t look for it ! It’s much more funny and aventurous to be centered and let it happen ! Life will take care of you if you stay authentic, loose and playful. These “dates” are so awful, kind de marché aux bestiaux … combien tu vaux et qui tu es … éventuellement …. escape !!!

LOVE this article, I’m a 71 year old, cool, conscious woman, attraction; living in La La Land, Laguna Beach CA; it was a lot of fun when I was younger, now if you’re not 40ish, blond, fake everything……you can’t even get in the game of boy and girl………it’s always a test and if you don’t look or answer all the questions right you’re out……….haven’t dated since my 50s and would love to experience “life” in Paris……….life is challenging enough without making it more complicated in the area of “love”………think I trip is in my future……as they say “Location, Location, Location”……..men can’t live with them and can’t live without them……….Garance you’re the best, keep sharing what most woman think……..love you’re Blog………Merci

OK, Garance! I wanted to write back but couldn’t be allowed to reply to your response-
yea, if you do love it there then it’s good. But this against your yearning for Paris post of yesterday made me feel something for you!
And you know, you can bring drinks outside with you to enjoy- just put in a discreet container. Enjoy life wherever you are is the most important, and you are winning at that I believe.

Je trouve que la pression différente mais tout aussi présente à Paris ! Au moins les new-yorkais annoncent la couleur, alors que nous, on est plus hypocrites, non ?

Merci pour le rire (cynique certes) qui a accompagné ma lecture !
J’aime te lire autant que regarder tes photos, et j’imagine New York avant de le visiter en vrai.
Ne perd surtout pas ton côté française, et bon courage pour résister à cette pression de perfectitude :)

Hell, no, you’re not stuck with the merchandise, you break up with one week, two weeks, a month, etc.
The French system is a bit strange in it’s on way (you’re in a relationship even if you didn’t really ask for it, which means quite a bit of pressure), but at least, there’s not the “oh, we’re not exclusive yet” phase, which for us (the French) is too weird for words.

Au secours !!! je commence à croire que les new-yorkaises sont vraiment superficielles et n’ont aucune confiance en elles …

After years of feeling like I had to be perfect at everything (even before I moved to New York and then exacerbated after the move), I finally feel like I’ve come to a fairly zen place of acknowledging what is realistic, and frankly, to go easier on myself. But man…it was an uphill battle and I still fight it everyday!

http://www.enduringethereal.com

Elle est ou la magie, la petite intencelle, la spontaneitée? Ca me parait tellement codifié tout ca! La beauté d’une rencontre c est justement ce moment magique ou comme tu dis ca click!! On doit passer à coté de belles histoires avec tout ses critères ! Dommage! J’ai adoré ton post Merci!

I know people who live in NY and what you wrote in this post captures the big picture of what they have been telling me over the years. It must be hard coping with that pressure. Plus, it almost feels that relations are dehumanised.

Ah aha ha, merci beaucoup Garance!!!
J’adore quand tu nous écris ce genre de post! C’est si drôle…
Parce que même si j’adore tes belles et immenses photos, c’est aussi pour toi, et ta façon de nous raconter les choses que je viens ici depuis si longtemps… :)

C’est tellement ça!Bon j’ai vécu à NYC pendant 5 ans mais j’avais 20 ans,un âge où je n’avais pas spécialement envie de trouver un boyfriend et c’était plus cool à l’époque (non,je ne suis pas si vieille).Cela dit,de ce que j’entends de certaines copines,ça devient compliqué aussi à Paris,c’est là où je me dis que je serais bien en galère si j’étais célibataire aujourd’hui,quel stress!Je te souhaite de te trouver le mec le plus cool du monde (mais le vrai cool pas le faux :-) )

je pense que les américains ne savent pas ce qu’être amoureux . l’amour n’est pas une foire aux bétails. c’est affligeant leur conception de l’amour. par contre , un peu plus de rigueur et de discipline dans la travail ferait du bien aux français.

Wonderfully (TRUE) post. My very best friend fell in love in Paris with a French man and that is exactly how it played out. In my opinion, the French do everything right ;)

Oh come on, Garance! I love you, but this is what’s wrong with fashion people and the super-rich in NYC. I am a regular girl with regular weight, I like fashion and have good clothes but I’m not caught up in the scene, I stay healthy but enjoy plenty of junk food and don’t kill myself at the gym, I don’t have a killer apartment, just what I can afford, and in a not so great neighboorhood, and somehow I managed to land a handsome, kind, smart boyfriend with a good job who loves me even if I gain 10 pounds (or 15) or if I lose my job or don’t know where the coolest restaurant is. The subset of New Yorkers who you describe definitely exist, and I used to try to fit in with that group, but trust me, you can find boyfriends and friends who appreciate you and love you just for being yourself and don’t demand perfection -you just have to stop expecting perfection in others. Plus, who wants to be with a guy or be friends with a girl that needs you to fulfill all of these requirements just to have a relationship with them?

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
En tant que North American vivant à Paris, j’ai aussi été confrontée à la situation inverse, tout en étant aussi confuse et déstabilisée! Comment expliquer que tu sortes avec un mec que tu connais à peine? Même si je lui ai parlé pendant des heures, je ne connais rien à son sujet…Mmm.

It’s a wonderful, wonderful post! I spent a year in the States (no, not in NYC, but it was equally weird experience as regards romance) and could not understand a single thing about dating rules. Few years later I dated (yes, it turned out to be proper NYC dating on non-exclusivity basis, which I don’t get until now) an American. OMG, how can people complicate the simplest things like romance? What’s so great about all the game playing, rules, exclusivity/non-exclusivity, calling/not calling, etc? So thankful to live in Europe :) Once again: congratulations on a wonderful post!

I totally understand! There is so much pressure.

http://www.FashionSnag.com

C’est bien de pouvoir si bien retranscrire la vérité! Les gens sont fous a NYC et j’adore ca….. Ma solution est de rester comme je suis cool et naturelle et de ne pas penser a ce qu’on pense de moi;-)

Une autre idée de sujet serait comment choisir l’école de mes enfants ?! ca passionne tous les gens a mon buro en tout cas….

Hum moi je suis francaise et mariee a un vrai new yokais, genre ne a Brooklyn, depuis 10 ans. pfff avec moi il a compris que toutes ces choses parfaites qu il avait ( super apart, PHD de la meilleure universit, super boulot, super potes dans le ilieu de la prod etc etc et son sper corps et sa belle gueule et sa femme parfaite youpy c est vrai quoi je suis trop geniale) c etait pas la cle du bonheur. On a fait plein de changements dans sa vie et maintenant il est super heureux !
I also believe that everyone has their story, no one is perfect, thatS an illusion!!! y a toujours un truc soit dans l enfance, la famille, la sante (metale)
C es bien pour ca que c est interessant de connaitre les gens pour de vrai (pas a l americaine bonjour bonsoir tu m a l air parfaite) pour less aider avec leurs casseroles, parce que la vie c est beaucoup surmonter des choses qui nous arrivent, et etre heureux quand meme, pas une course a la perfection. Alors vis ta vie Garance !!! Sois heureuse! (Je suis bien decue que le Bhutan abandonne sa poursuite du bonheur comme objectif !)

SO TRUE, all of it. As if success was measured buy the level of perfectness, when it comes to fulfilling every. single. aspect of society’s ideals, New York style, that is. Even worse, it’s contagious and it’s as if you have to be a part of this game, otherwise your just some sort of an UFO, lol. Well, I lived there a couple years so, been there done that. I’m not French but Mexican, and I can tell you my dear Garance that, even when I love NY, I’m glad I rather preserve my roots and find my version of happiness than trying to be perfect for someone else’s eyes than mine. Plus, perfect is an illusion not real REAL LIFE.

I LOVED THIS POST!!! Here I was reading it, with a glass of wine in one hand and a salami sandwich in another…thinking “Jesus I should really go to the gym”…oh but they salami and wine were so much better than busting my bottom on a treadmill…Thanks for being real, and not being afraid to talk the talk (the none BS talk).

Peace and fireworks….and lots of wine

Loved reading this….you are a wise and funny woman! Thankyou for a beautifully written article.

Garance, tes posts socio comme ceux-là sont de vrais bijoux, et une des raison pour lesquelles j’adore ton blog ! Il y a un dosage parfait entre photos de mode et de lifestyle, articles de racontage de vie avec humour, descriptifs de tendances etc., et c’est ce qui rend ton blog incroyable ! S’il te plaît continue comme cela ! Merci pour ce que tu apportes à la blogosphère :)

Ah, et je voulais aussi rajouter que tu étais une de mes inspirations de par ta créativité et ton sens de l’innovation ! Donc merci aussi pour ça !

I love this post. And I think this is why I should have been French. And would you consider taking on “a woman of a certain age” as an intern? Seriously. Could be interesting.

http://www.lookforthewoman.com

parlons un peu de la perfection a la parisienne d’un milieu equivalent: ne pas avoir de job de tueuse mais de l’argent de famille, un style décontracte très savamment etudie, ne surtout pas être refaite de façon ostentatoire mais avoir l’air bien moins que son age, avoir surtout compris que l’égalité homme-femmes n’existe pas et que le salut reside dans une position très feminine au sens traditionnel du terme, être une déesse du sexe parce que l’homme parisien attend ca….

Great post, Garance!! Te lire confirme ce que j’appréhendais en déménageant ici il y a quelques mois. Mais comme toi, j’aime beaucoup cette ville. En fait, malgré toute cette pression et ce chaos, je crois que cette ville est unique par le simple fait qu’elle exige de la rigueur, qu’elle inspire et motive a vouloir faire mieux. Pas forcement une mauvaise chose quand on voit la quantité de talents de tout horizon (y compris toi) qui reside a NY.
En passant, cette article de Zadie Smith capture aussi bien l’essence de Manhattan et j’espère te plaira.
http://www.nybooks.com/articles/archives/2014/oct/23/find-your-beach/

I loved this post – especially the boxed non-box section at the bottom. When I moved to Canada from the Netherlands, I was so confused by the term ‘dating’. Actually, I still kind of am. It seems like North-Americans like to play this weird game where they refuse to commit and give things truly a go, and instead just keep their options wiiide open. How are you supposed to really know whether you are a good match if you don’t just focus on it?

People kept telling me not to put “all eggs in one basket”, but seriously, if I like a guy, I like THAT guy. I can’t shop around for other guys, I just want this one. If it doesn’t work out, that sucks, but you never really know if you don’t give it your full attention.

I am happy I am off the market now because the single/dating life here in North-America really is too silly to me. Either you want to commit, or not!

I have been a silent reader of yours for yeeears but this is by far my favorite article you ever wrote!!! Pace e Salute!

Chere Garance, merci beaucoup de tes jolis mots. J´ai l´impression qu´aujourdhui tout le monde nous dit comment etre parfait, quelles tendences de mode il faut suivre, ce qu´il faut faire pour notre sante, quel sport est cool, comment réussir notre vie, qu´est-ce qu´il ne faut jamais faire etc. etc. etc. On a tant d´informations et de temps en temps il est tres difficile de faire “brainstorming”, de bien choisir (un ami, un job, une creme, une jupe, un sport, n´import quoi:). D´apres moi si nous voulons reussir dans la vie, il faut etre content de sois-meme et surtout aimer la vie. La vie est belle et il faut en profiter !!!

I agree, I love and appreciate that Garance is so totally real here, but the whole situation makes me feel a little sad for all those people. Because that really isn’t what life is all about: looking perfect to other people. Just think of all the Hollywood/fashion stars who *have it all* until they go into rehab or overdose.
It is important to define for yourself what success means to you, and not to judge yourself by other people’s parameters.
And as for the “dating”, Garance, you are way too special to be one of the many! I’m pretty sure that when you meet the right guy you won’t have to audtition :D.

Dans le genre à NY, y’aussi le concept de la maman new yorkaise parfaite qui est tellement active avec des enfants parfaits qui font plein d’activité qu’elle arrive à suivre malgré son super job .. Pendant que la mère française se demande tranquillement comment elle pourrait éviter le prochain cours de danse .. et oublier malencontreusement l’anniversaire du copain pour partir tranquilou en week end !!

Oh, but this is why New Yorkers have “nutritionists, and acupuncturists, juice cleanses, even deliverable IVs with vitamins to cure hangovers” for the pursuit of perfection.

The pressure to be perfect, but also instantaneously! Anything for the quick fix!

And no wonder with everything one has going one, that the guy/girl doesn’t linger like the French – they have soulcycle booked for some crazy hour!

Love this post, life and love shouldn’t be so difficult!

Ce post est tellement génial! Having lived in the states for almost 12 years (mostly on the east coast and now in LA), partnered with an European man, and lived/visited Europe intermittently for work (the longest being a whole-season séjour in Paris this year), I have to say that what you portrayed in this post is one of the quintessential traits of main-stream America. It’s all about the PERFORMANCE and how one presents his/her (more on the her-side) performance to others! During my first few years in the states (when I was in my early 20s) I unintentionally gained myself an unfavorable reputation, simply because I had several short-term relationships for which I wholeheartedly committed to (and enjoyed) and by every single one of which I was utterly heart broken. Mark me, I was an ambitious young woman then and none of these “dramas” – as termed by those around me – negatively affected my productivity, but before long I realized that I was seen as disgraced, immature, and the type that “doesn’t know how to deal with her own life”. Although I did not understand nor make concord with this twisted perception by others of me, I had felt extremely wary of the criticism. And then, engaging myself in a “serious” long-term relationship currently, I now face a different EXPECTATION from others. After several of my younger peers got married and “settled”, they now persisted the statement that it should be my turn soon. When I expressed that I am in no hurry, they started to suspect that there is problem in my relationship. Il me parait que ça c’est vraiment une blague! Sérieusement! As you said, it is NOT a job! And, life — life is also not a job. In a modern society of a modern civilization – no matter how Utopian-isque it sounds like – a failed relationship or a failed marriage is NOT the end of the world! How one chooses how to live, as long as it does no serious harms to others, should, in my point of view, not become the object of scrutiny of one’s character. The question comes down to : why is it that one thinks everyone else wants the same thing in life? Or : why is it that so many people think they want the same thing? The notion of “perfection” exists only when there is a common goal which everyone is shooting for. Is there one, especially concerning such personal subject as romantic relationship?

You have told us about the beginning of a relationship in France, but I am curious to know how a relationship ends? Do relationships in France end as simply and casually, from an American perspective, as they started? In the US beginnings may be complicated, but endings always seem to be messy and filled with drama.

J’aurais juste envie de te dire une chose :fuis!!!

Les relations sont déjà ben compliquées MAIS on s’en rajoute!
En même temps, c’est tout ce “n’importe quoi” et toutes les galères des relations amoureuses qui nous font apprécier ce que l’on a en fin de compte.

Moi aussi j’avais/ai/aurais (complication -_-) mon Mister Big et une paire de Manolo si va avec !!!

En tous cas, j’ai bien rigoler.
Bon à savoir que ma future carrière de PR ne me servira pas avec les hommes à NY

Garance, you nailed this French vs. American dating thing. I’m franco-americaine and, having grown up in the States, have always been fascinated by the differences in dating! I’ve found it hard to explain to people but you did just that, and so accurately!

Aside from the transatlantic differences in dating, though, this is one of my favorite posts you have ever written! I love your style, humor, honesty. If anybody is cool and perfect and perfect and cool, it’s you!

Même ton cynisme est rafraîchissant Garance, merci de continuer à nous étonner !

“Eat the damn food”…HAHAHAHA thanks dear girl you just made my day!!!

And so did you dear G. ….I think the best thing about your posts is this: you have created a lovely community where witty and clever ladies from all over the world share their thoughts …and hopes…and dreams! Keep up!
Kisses!
y
*when is your book going to be released???

I think this perfection thing is prevalent in many parts of the US (I hail from the SF Bay area). It was one of the reasons I left the states nearly five years ago and haven’t looked back. While there are of course so many factors that can affect your experience, generally speaking, I feel so much more at ease and not constantly judged for how prestigious my job is or what handbag I’m carrying. Having a husband certainly helps with the whole ‘perfect man’ issue, but that frenetic pace and continuous struggle for perfection isn’t needed in the rest of life either.

I think Americans envy this non-fascination with perfection because honestly, we’re all so tired of feeling like we couldn’t possibly measure up, but fear if we get off the social/dating/one-upmanship mouse wheel, we will forever lose any advantage we might have had. I for one am happy I got off and hopped over the big blue ocean for a more peaceful and somehow even more perfect life.

Hello Garance,

Je te connais depuis longtemps (comment ne pas connaître la plus grande blogueuse française, celle qui a réussi aux Amériques !) mais te suis depuis peu.

Je t’ai vraiment découverte lors de ton intervention au Alt Summit et je l’ai regardé jusqu’au bout alors que avouons-le, c’était long ! Je n’ai pas vu le temps passer, captivée par ton speech. Tu m’as fait rire. Ton côté spontané, tu es hyper authentique et drôle et tout ça, malgré le succès et la vie new-yorkaise qui aurait pu déteindre !

J’ai lu ton article qui décrit tes années de fashion week. Excellentissime ! Moi qui suis loin de ce milieu et qui ne le comprends pas du tout (c’est pas faute d’avoir bossé dans un magazine de mode), j’ai adoré ton regard “distant” de celle qui pourtant en est.

Tu es la petite souris que chacun aurait envie d’être par moment. Reste comme tu es : toi-même, authentique. C’est tellement rare dans ce milieu. Toutes ces blogueuses/rédactrices beauté ou mode dont le succès fait tourner la tête. C’est moche et triste pour elles.

Et ce post que tu fais là, c’est tellement l’image qu’on peut avoir des It – New-Yorkais. Il manque la maison et les vacances dans les Hamptons ! Ils sont tellement loin de l’essentiel (je ne sous-entends pas que les Français l’aient compris).

J’ai récemment vu une phrase de Nigel Marsh qui m’a fait sourire : “la vérité, c’est qu’il y a des millions de gens qui mènent des vies désespérantes, qui travaillent dur et longtemps dans un job qu’ils détestent, pour pouvoir se payer des choses dont ils n’ont pas besoin pour impressionner des gens qu’ils n’aiment pas”. Pas faux.

To cut it short, bravo ! ;)

I hate to tell you but it doesn’t get better with time. I have a couple of friends who gave up and had kids alone, thanks to artificial insemination. They were tired of the rat race, being extremely intelligent, successful women who were pretty but not drop-dead gorgeous enough to make any guy stay. I have a lot of NY friends who are single, sometimes by choice, sometimes less so. The women seem to fit a pattern–sinking years into a boyfriend who then decides she isn’t quite perfect enough to actually marry. They find themselves, in their 40s, being compared physically with women much younger. (And a fabulous job usually has to be something that isn’t threatening to men, such as being a model.) Some don’t care; others are sad about missing out on a family. The guys seem fine. Pushing 50 or well past it, my exes (and a bunch of other guys I know from work) are all still single and still dating 20-somethings. Some have fathered children, but they don’t live with them and just drop in as the spirit moves them. NY is a magnet for these Peter Pan types (read “The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P”). You want a nice guy? Go somewhere else. You want a good time in the sack with no tomorrow? Go out in NY.
Check out this NYT editorial about “Who Runs the Girls?” http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/21/opinion/sunday/who-runs-the-girls.html

I used to live in NY and while I agree with many of the points you make (party why I left!), I also used to live in France and disagree entirely with your assessment that French people don’t care about perfection. I think the real parisienne thing is not that you don’t care about perfection. You just want an (equally impossible to maintain!) disheveled, stylish-but-not-overdone (difficult!), and laid back version of perfection. It’s WORK to maintain that devil-may-care appearance and attitude. French women work very hard to make things look easy. This is not to discredit French women, but to acknowledge that women in many cultures are putting in overtime! I just think it is the goal that is different. In France, it is to appear very natural whereas in the US it is to look polished.

New York is so different for rich, fabulous people… It’s so funny.

Bon en France, ce n’est peut-être pas tjs aussi simple que tu le décris! On n’échappe pas complètement à la société de consommation, après c’est encore loin du niveau des US.
Une coloc américaine m’avait expliqué un jour, j’avais été scotchée, genre whaaat?! il y a des étapes?! même côté s*x (d’ailleurs pas forcément dans l’ordre qu’on pourrait penser en France)?! tu peux en avoir plusieurs en même temps, à des stades différents?! ! Bref la découverte! tellement éloignée de ma vision de française romantique que ne voit dans le fait de tomber amoureux que la spontanéité, l’inattendu, l’absence de raison, l’euphorie/les paillons, la maladresse qui va svt avec, plutôt perte de contrôle…

LA is similar – but that everyone is an actress in process. The men are always looking over their shoulder for someone better that may be walking in the room. It’s exhausting really. Once I decided – I can’t do this of course I met the best, nicest guy ever so in the end it all worked out.

reading your NY story though reminded me of it all. I give you girls credit if you’re participating – it’s not for the faint at heart or those with anything close to self esteem issues.

It’s funny because each time I read a post like this, I feel as though you’re in my head (even though I don’t live in New York *but should* and experience the crazy world that goes on there) and you’re saying all the things I want to say but usually don’t (or do depending on who you ask) because I already think I’m a bit crazy about The Institution. I feel the SAME way about the whole marriage/relationship/dating drama that we Americans make SUCH a huge deal/institution out of. I agree with you 100% and just realized that French people and Polish people may have something in common because my love story sounds suspiciously FRENCH. Anyhow, this is such a great post. Another reason (not that I need another) to love you as I do. (I’m American thusly allowed to say that!) :)

Tu as retrouvé toute ta verve c’est trop cool!
Un article frais, rigolo, dans l’air du temps et pour les filles juste…normales!
Plaisir à lire :)

Bon, tout a été dit plus haut, mais je ris toute seule à la lecture de cet article !
Bravo !

J’adore le dernier paragraphe : “petit precis de French love….” qui m’a remonte le moral parce que les americains qui courent apres la perfection me donnent le tournis ! Les premieres fois que j’ai entendu “perfect job, husband, house, baby, etc….”, j’ai demande, mais pour quoi faire ? Et la spontaneite dans tout cela ? Silence, suivi de ” oh, you French are so different !”

Garance, BEST POST EVER. Having lived all over the world and ten years in New York City’s UES, this post is very much the way it is and if you aren’t a model ~ forget about normal dating, marriage and having children with any man. The men in NYC are spoiled brats and do not care about anything but appearances. So glad that I do not live there any more!

Interesting post so everything I ever thought about New York is true sounds scary and fascinating at the same time.

I love reading about all the different ways people come together romantically in different cultures, but I’d also be interested in learning about the cultural nuances of “breaking up” or separating. I think perhaps the reason the screening process of dating in America is so intense because heartbreak is what they would all like to avoid. Maybe when they’ve all absolutely tried their best and it all turns to shit anyway, at least they don’t have to blame themselves? Because…hey, everything was laid out on the table! It’s not my fault! You knew what you were getting into! Etc. I think the downfall of American society and subcultures is that they are strangely difficult and unadaptable when it comes to change. God forbid you’re no longer the person I met five years ago; your ideals have changed, your needs/wants/desires have changed. You might as well be a stranger. Get out of my house, we’re over. Americans spend so much time focused on the chase and finally landing a serious significant other that they’ve already used up all their brainpower and energy. They forget that there is continuous growing to be done in life, and it must be done together with acceptance and support. That, I believe, is the hard part. Not finding *someone* (which is already so unfair, people can be a million different ways all at the same time, so many facets to just one single human person…why put them in a box in order to deem them acceptable?), but learning to be that someone worth finding! That’s where it gets tricky.

How is heartbreak viewed in France? I feel they’re conditioned to be a lot more acquainted with loss and sadness. Maybe almost befriend it? Or pretend it never happened? Very curious!

Garance! I adore this post! For years I dated in what you wrote as “the French way” and was looked upon poorly for it.
Thank you for the laughes and inspiration really great post.
Perfection is no fun. I’ll keep my imperfect life, amazing family, my normal BFF’s and my beloved kids any day.

Ah ! J’aurais tellement aimé avoir eu de telles explications, il y a un an – avant de commencer à ‘date’ un New-Yorkais (façon française dans mon esprit, façon new yorkaise dans le sien) et de découvrir les différences par la pratique -_-

Yes there is definitely an end game to dating in New York, women are looking for their security blanket and I don’t blame them. New York is a tough city and although it’s great to achieve your own success it’s nice to lean on the “perfect man”. All good things take effort so though we’ll never be “perfect”, taking care of yourself physically and mentally is necessary if you want to attract a guy who is taking care of his business.

Well put. Very accurately captures the madness that is dating in NYC. As a fellow (though not French) European who loves living in NYC, I still scratch my head about why the dating here is so awfully difficult and so many amazing women are getting stuck in the never-ending loop of men who are perennially “optimizing” their choice and never commit. Even when they have amazingly accomplished women by their side. And arrival of Tinder and other similar apps is only making it worse, shortening attention spans and breeding bad behaviors and lack of communication. I think you are right, there is enough material in this to write a whole book!

I laughed out loud reading this post !!! all that “perfection” is an false image projected by what we see in Hollywood movies and yet it is an illusion !!! so sad lots of people (not just in New York) are buying into that crap and become victims of it !!! I am living in Buenos Aires for more than now and feel so much happier just being who I really am and living as I please, which is what I think life should be like. No one here cares about “perfection” although people say “perfecto” a lot even for many imperfect things !!! I like very much a quote by Caroline de Margreit, she said:”Looking for perfection, as Americans do, is a lack of self-confidence” !!! Get real, relax and enjoy life as it is !!!

Well written and true. Perfection is an impossibly elusive set of ever-evolving rules requiring endless tasks and superhuman feats that only serve to distract us from really enjoying our lives and figuring out who we really are. I’ll take imperfect… (as I type this in my super cozy white James Perse sweatshirt that has chocolate stains on the sleeve)

Ce très bon article me fait penser que nous méritons nos emmerdements, pardon, nos ennuis, et nos névroses. Finalement, il suffit de dire NON, de refuser ce cirque social pathétique et ridicule. Si on ne perd dans l’affaire que des rencontres et des relations futiles, ce n’est pas un problème de dire non!

Tu dois vraiment avoir l’air d’être sur une autre planète, parfois! Merci pour cet amusant article.
Mais quand même, comment tu sais/dis/officialise que tu passes de “date” à officiel? Tu lui fais une déclaration? tu le déclares aux impôts en 3 exemplaires? (ça semble si compliqué!)

Oh my Garance, this post made me laugh hard!!!!! I love your sense of humor and reading your point of view, I think you are totally right!

C’est drôle, on dirait beyrouth, sauf que les mecs sont tous moches -a 30 ans, ils prennent du ventre, perdent leurs cheveux, et ont des poils qui poussent dans le nez et les oreilles- et les femmes sont toutes mannequins seulement -la plupart du temps avec un boulot aussi médiocre que leur personnalité-
Donc les générations a venir seront moches et stupides. ça promet.

Et chere Garance, toujours ce plaisir de te lire. tu es parfaite.

Wow you hit the nail on the head…
I took my own path, a very unconventional one, and the result was that now I get to be with the love of my life. To hell with these crazy rules…fall in love your own way!

En fait si j’ai bien compris, l’amour à New York c’est exactement comme L’AMOUR EST DANS LE PRÉ chez nous : tu rencontres le bétail, tu mets en concurrence puis tu essaie de choisir. Juste la pollution en plus et les pres en moins. Pitaing je mesure à quel point je suis heureuse dans ma cambrousse avec mon mec, mes mômes, mes bottes Vivienne Westwood, mon pantalon d’équitation Gucci (faut pas déconner non plus) et mes chevaux…

Bonjour Garance
A voir l’ampleur des réactions à ton “billet d’humeur-humour” à la française, je m’inquiètes… et déteste de plus en plus LA PERFECTION ULTRA CONTRÔLÉE,
dans la vie, dans le travail aussi … car à l’usage, il vaut beaucoup mieux utiliser la partie de son cerveau qui n’est pas sous contrôle … mais qui est plus instinctive : il y a là des ressources incroyables d’intelligence, une intelligence primitive (au bon sens du terme) qui permettait à l’homme de se sortir des griffes du lion …. et qui, modestement, aujourd’hui nous offre de vivre plus joyeusement dans cette jungle…
D’ailleurs, ceux qui fascinent les autres souvent se démarquent des règles… ils font les leurs et c’est ce qui nous charme…

Et puis, il y a des coins du monde où toutes ces “dures” questions ne se posent pas….

New York dating is pretty much how dating is also in Manila. Maybe it’s not geographical or cultural (NY/Americans vs. Paris/French), maybe it’s a generational thing–(don’t hate me!)–maybe this is just how millenials date?

Super post, Garance! Merci beaucoup!
Je ne tienderais pas une journée à New York. Sounds really exhausting…

Quel bel article! Quelle tendre ironie! Et puis c’est vrai, c’est bien plus facile en Europe l’amour (même si on obsède quand même sur un tas de choses… faut être mince en mangeant de tout, chic sans faire d’effort, bon job mais on voit les copains pour un verre, hein?). Cela dit nos cousins américains ont aussi plein de bonnes choses, il s’agit de tirer le meilleur de chaque culture, non?

What can i say, i am not American or French but european still (Portuguese) , witch means i love and social interact the French way, but like everyone else that loves fashion i am obsessed with NYC and it’s people :) so i totally get you Garance. Having said that i am amazed by your brilliant, sumptuous and witty sense of humor, you are a very clever and intelligent women , now that’s number 6 on my perfection list ;)

Thank you for sharing

Beijinhos

Et je me pose quand même une question : ils ne tombent jamais amoureux les américains ? peut être que ça n’existe pas l’amour et que c’est aussi une dimension culturelle….
Parce que sinon, qu’est-ce qui justifierait qu’un américain ne tombe pas paf par hasard après quelques heures folles de discussion, qu’est-ce qui fait qu’un américain n’aurait pas envie de se dire “je ne veux pas laisser sortir cette fille de ma vie”. ?

Garance, such a great post.
Well, even if I don’t have any sociological skill, what you describe it’s exactly what comes out from all this social “bombing” (instagram/FB/Twitter) of fashion Bff’s, bloggers, all these: ” amazing, stunning, love my job ” … and infact among “normal” not perfect people we talk about all this world just like we talk about an american movie that, sure, can be a lot of fun and fascinating, but at the end of the day it’s doesn’t feel like real life, love, tears, laugh, food enjoying and true partying ….it’s just fiction, entertainment. Or maybe I’m wrong?
Sometimes I just wonder how you can deal with the pressure! are you just able to let it go and live an imperfect life? Even though to me you are GORGEOUS!

Merci Garance, c’est agréable de te lire, ton point de vue est toujours très fin et très drôle! J’aimerais plus de “chronique” de ce genre :-) Xx

c’est vraiment comme dans Sex and the city alors… ben ça me fait pas du tout rêver.
Ceci dit, je me trompe peut-être, mais c’est le New York vu par les filles travaillant dans la mode, donc pas “le vrai”. Comme Paris vu les rédactrices mode quoi.

I’m Italian and I used to date in the French way.
This is a great post, Garance.
To deconstruct and analyze every single aspect of life is reneging instinct.
And love, thanks god, is pure unreason.
M

Garance,

Comme dirait Asterix – Ils sont fous ces ricains….Laisse tomber. Vive la mediterranee!

Merci Catherine, je suis tout à fait d’accord ! :)
Mais (BORDEL!) il est où l’amour dans tous ça ?!
Le couple n’est pas une liste de critères à cocher! Si j’avais appliqué cette méthode je ne serai pas avec mon amoureux, et Dieu sait que je n’ai jamais été aussi heureuse qu’en sa compagnie (et oui 11ans de plus j’aurais pas cocher ça sur adopteunmec.com ;) !

Merci Garance pour ce super article !

A seldom item for a fashionblog, but the discussion is interesting thanks to your candor, Garance. My point of view: Settled in good old Europe I’m not sure, if the dating thing is cultural related in general. Maybe the NYs are dating straighter like there is no time to lose and handle love from the very beginning as a part of what I call life-business: do the best you can to get the best. Romantic love happens in the college-years (that is what Garance called innocent) and also in between, but ends not often in marriage. Marriage is a social item all over the world in times past and now. Marriage and following having children means also in emancipated societies the males investment of time and power/today:money and the females invest of (much more) time and beauty+youth=health. Overall in former times and todays conservative circles family clans play the rule of a jury. In modern societies our cliques take this part. I call NYs dating not cynical but naive. You can take after long, long search the perfect partner ever – it is not a guaranty for livelong happyness: maybe long awaited children won’t come or you are losing all comfort after a business crush or fall in serious illness … and then everything you have counted on is changed. At the end? Enjoy life and especially the “in betweens” or play the lovegame. It is not so different in NY westside from elsewhere.

Je ne comprend pas trop: rien ne sert d’aller chercher ailleurs que dans votre propre culture

Article excellentissime, es-tu en train de devenir Carrie ? ;) Effectivement, un bouquin sur le sujet serait plus que bienvenu, parce qu’au-delà de NYC, Paris est aussi une ville où les règles sont devenues trop compliquées.
C’est parfois si décourageant. L’amour aujourd’hui est encore plus compliqué qu’avant.
Mais tout réside aussi dans ton humour aussi. Ta distance sur le triste constat entre “l’offre et la demande”, termes terribles, mais qui me semblent appropriés.
omg cet article est top, vraiment… Continue sur ce thème stp !!

Thank you so much Garance ! J’adore quand tu parles de sujet de cette façon !
Oui ce système de vie parfaite et de date, je deteste…C’est pareil à Londres et j(‘avoue ne rien y comprendre…surtout moi qui suis plutot spontanée ! La perfection n’est pas une panacée ! Et puis on risque de s’ennuyer avec le temps si le partenaire est parfait, non ? Enfin, merci pour cet article, ce souffle salavateur ! Tu dis tout haut ce que beaucoup penses tout bas ! :)

http://www.kitschissime.com/

Ah those splendid days in NYC.
Love your sketches

Priscilla Joy
http://www.43concept.com
Dutch Caribbean

Excellent. Et incroyablement bien décrit “l’amour à la française” : en 3 phrases, tu as dit ce que c’était. Tu sais croquer les choses !

Well, I don’t live in NYC, so it all seems very stressful to me as well! I’m a bit older than many of your readers as well so maybe it’s life experience that makes the difference. All of that perfection still doesn’t guarantee happiness! My marriage should have been great – all of the conditions were met. Alas, after 12 years it ended. I met my current man at work as a friend, but one day it clicked for us. We went out to dinner and a week later to a concert and he didn’t go home at the end of the night. We had coffee in bed in the morning and we’ve been a couple ever since. I highly recommended the French way! Life will tell us if we are “perfect” for each other.

L’amour à la française oui bof je ne crois pas trop à ce concept
Uniformisation des modes de vie, à croire qu’il n’y a plus qu’un modèle, tout ça poussé finalement par les blogs mode, déco, voyage où la réussite est un beau job, un beau mec, un bel appartement, aller en vacances. On peut être heureuse avec un mec qui ne gagne pas sa vie, complétement étranger à notre milieu et notre culture mais là c’est sûre ça va demander de l’ouverture à l’AUTRE.

OMG I loved you at first but now I think I just fell in love with you! “Fuck Perfection”! In the end we all die and turn into dust so why not be original?

One of my favorite things, comparing French and American culture. I never tire of it but fear becoming a bore about it to others. You have to take the good with the bad in both cultures. You can’t have the good without the bad because they are related. For example, in the rest of the real USA (not New York) nearly everyone is overweight because Americans don’t think rules apply to them and they are wonderfully free and casual and sort of still act like children about food: eat whenever you are hungry, all the time, anytime, wherever, whatever, pretend that chocolate chip cookies won’t make you fat if they are gluten-free. But the fact that Americans don’t follow rules also makes us more exciting, entrepreneurial, go-getting, achieving, nothing can stop us. Americans don’t take no for an answer. I am always so amazed how easily the French and Europeans in general accept no for an answer. I get riled up at any irrationality and want to get to the bottom of it. No is not enough, I won’t just swallow your no and back off! There are so many rules and limits in France, I get tired of feeling all tied up after a while there. It’s like in France you are born in this little box and you don’t really expect to ever get out, you just live your prescribed life. It’s not bad, because you eat much better food and take more vacations while you are at it, but as an American I want to be rewarded for my ambition. For example my French girlfriend is smart and naturally ambitious, but she just does the minimum at work then goes home because why bother, going the extra step won’t really get you ahead, everything is already bureaucratically arranged by someone else. If she were in the US she would be earning more and working at a higher level. Now again, that’s not everything, her life is still good. But as an American I can’t get used to the rules and prescriptions. If I can’t finish my pizza at the French pizzeria and want to take it home, it’s so good, oh no, says my sister-in-law, “Ca ne se fait pas” It’s simply not done to take it home, you eat it or leave it. I hear “Ca ne se fait pas” a lot more in France than in the US. So many rules in France. Rules even for how you give birth. It seems all women give birth the same way in France – epidural, maybe breastfeed but for six months maximum. Here in the US, you can give birth however you want and breastfeed as long as you want. I know women who did home births, women who scheduled c-sections.
But I’m rambling. But back to my point, rules are why the French eat better and are slimmer – you eat three meals at a table, never ever ever do you not eat at the table, ca ne se fait pas!! (Except for aperitif) I have such a hard time remembering that French rule about always and only eating at the table. Sometimes I just want to curl up with a bowl of ice cream in front of the TV. I can’t imagine ANY of the Frenchwomen I know doing that!
And one more thing, sometimes I feel sorry for French women, they don’t get a big fat diamond or two or three, which is just so fun and beautiful and romantic, something to bring a smile to your face every day for the rest of your life! My wonderful French husband managed to accept that part of American culture and I love him for it, and for many other things of course.
If I absolutely had to choose between the two cultures I would choose American because I can sort of live like a French woman in the US. But I could live in either country if I can just always remember to appreciate the good and accept that the bad has to go along with the good.
Ah, sorry so long!

Carla it’s really interesting. I would love to hear more about cultural difference between the US/Europe…but i’m not really agree with all of your comments. (I’m french so i CANNOT be agree with all) :)
Obviously french are also ambitious but discretion is a rule in Europe. Being rich, powerful and show it to others is considered as a vulgar behaviour. I also suppose it’s part of our “catholic background”, our socialist influence and much more such existencialism …etc Please just have a look, there is also a lot of entrepreneurship in Europe – not as much in the US right – but still there is a lot of ambitious people. I also think European in general don’t feel identificated with the “american dream” and that’s the reason why part of us just don’t care about this big diamond ring ( i would definitively prefer another kind of expensive gifts as art or furniture collection pieces…). Both you are right, all cultures have a positive/negative aspects and the most important is to keep the best of each others.

I just want to say one last thing: I think that talking about your vacation in America is one of the few topics that is seen as bragging and “vulgar” because you are talking about your free time, and the fact that you dared stop working for a bit and devoted a brief period just to pleasure. Money is not a taboo subject in America because we have a lot of it. What we don’t have a lot of is free time and vacation. It’s the reverse in France. Sigh, you can’t have it all.

OMG this is so sad! But true in a lot of cities. Every boyfriend I’ve ever had just ‘happened’. There was no one else, just lots of laughing, kissing, connecting and endless time together– and then it got complicated… But at least then we knew each other and could figure out what it all meant… And sadly, here in LA it’s the same, in some circles.

But not entirely. I fell in love at a bowling alley and had a boyfriend instantly for 4 months… I believe in love, and I agree with you– the cool people aren’t perfect and are free and open to life. I say, fuck all the judgment and perfection. Be yourself. Be fun. Eat. And find your people! XO

Ton petit précis de French Love m’a fait repenser à cette vidéo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jq_SjZUX0KU qui résume bien la situation je trouve :p

Super article ! Je comprends beaucoup mieux certaines scènes de films / séries américaines maintenant !
Les mots aussi ont leur importance, on s’aperçoit des différences culturelles en essayant sans réussite de traduire certaines expressions qui nous paraissent évidentes… d’où le “date” qui n’a pas vraiment d’équivalent en français, ou le “fidanzato/a” des italiens qui voudrait dire “petit copain sérieux” chez nous… ça peut créer des quiproquos du genre “non je n’ai pas de fiancé mais un copain sérieux” “mais c’est la même chose !”…
Vive l’Italie quand même !

Loved this too. Totally fascinating. I live in Dc so different dynamic, but not by much (less models, LOL).

Also reminded me very much of the Gone Girl speech.

Maybe we are reaching a cultural tipping point?!?

Thanks for writing it. And yes, I was fooled by the romantic drawing at the top! ahem!

Super like cet article!1 beaucoup de vrai ( le dating, OMFG, l’obsession de trouve la mec qui va te passer un énorme diamant au doigt, l’insécurité qui va avec tout ca!!!) ! Mais…. des fucking Miss Perfect y en a plein a Paris aussi.
c’est une autre façon d’être miss parfaite mais la pression du super job, d’être mince, d’avoir une super relation avec ton mec, d’avoir des nomes a 30 ans, elle existe grave a Paris!
Moi, je suis séparée de mon mari, pas d’enfants a 43 ans!!! aie aie aie, mes amis a Paris flippent totalement. alors qu’a NYC bizarrement je sens une sorte de respect pour mon individualité….
Ou alors avec l’age je n’en ai plus rien a foutre de l’avis des gens! New yorkais ou parisien!!!

and there you have it – I’m moving to France xo

OMG! Such a funny, yet maddening post! But so true for NY!

I am Ukrainian by birth, but I was raised (and live) in London. For us (quite a lot of my friends either come from similar background or at least spend way too much time with those who do) it is something in-between french and american… You may see a couple of people at the same time (mostly with no sex, but it does wary from person to person), but that ultimately means that you are not particularly interested. When you meet someone- you just know. You talk, you existed to see them and IMPORTANTLY you are just not interested in seeing someone els. You just can’t think of anyone els. And yes, of course it might not work out. You might date for months and than learn that they guy is a jerk, you might kern it on the first or third date- it doesn’t matter. You just move on without too much of a fuss.

And if you kern that a guy is seeing other girls, well it means that he is just not that interested. It is fair enough. Happens. However, I am not willing to spend my time with someone who is just not that into me or someone who doesn’t think that my life/job/clothes is interesting enough.

P.S. To those amazing American girls: I have spent a fair amount of time in NY and have quite a few guy friends there; trust me if you stop trying so hard and stop letting guys waste your time- they will come running. Long lean muscular legs are great, but when they are attached to a doormat- never sexy.

http://www.7moreminutes.com

I LOVE this post. I’ve lived in New York for a year and a half now. I felt bombarded by everyone’s quest for perfection the moment I arrived and still think I will never get used to it. I don’t even want to get used to it. It’s exhausting! It’s maddening! It’s weirdly contagious! But yes, this post is so completely spot on.

I also love the dating aspect of this post. I lived the past 5 years in London before moving here, and though the British and French may differ in a lot of ways, my experiences with dating were much more like the French way you described here than the American way. When I first started dating my boyfriend we hit it off so incredibly well that I assumed we were boyfriend and girlfriend after I spent the first full weekend at his place (a week and a half after we met). We didn’t talk about it because to me it seemed completely obvious. It seemed even more obvious when we had lunch with his mom. Then nearly two months later he said “I hope this isn’t inappropriate, but I told someone today that you’re my girlfriend.” My response: “Inappropriate!? Dude! I thought I was your girlfriend two months ago!” He’d been in New York much longer than I had. We were playing by different rules I guess. We’re playing by the same rules now though.

this is the most awesome post!!
love it!! a great story-

thank you Garance

Dearest Garance, in my mind you are the *perfect* (girl) friend all of us who follow your posts want to have in our life. Please don’t ever lose yourself – your soulful candor, quirky humor, ability to laugh at yourself – in NYC or wherever your reside. The imperfections in life are what make us distinctive and artfully memorable, if we so let ourselves. Mr. (Im)Perfect may come… and go. Trust me, I speak from experience. At the end of the day, we are who we are to those whom we care, and care about us. Even Mr. (Im)Perfect who had come and gone…. Please reach out if you are ever in San Francisco.
~ Kin

Dear Garance,

This post is just adorable. With this post You showed the complete view of the relationships in NY and it’s like a have imagined it and sadly but it feels like it’s hard to have a really honest, true love and true boyfriend, with whom you fall in love at first sight. I live in the capital of Lithuania, in Vilnius. And I have noticed that our relationships model is changing and it’s starting to remind me the NY “perfect people” life and the requirements of girls and boys for each other are every day higher. Sad, but this situation is partly building a fast aging community, because of every day trying to find that perfect boyfriend, lots of my friend can’t find anything and it’s more and more people living their life without stable family and children.

I think people should look less intense at the social stuff: as job, salary, because these things are always changing and you have to live with the personality, with his interest and minds. That’s what matters. And I think we should act a bit more French: relaxed, passionate and a bit crazy!

Thank You for the great post! I really enjoyed reading!

I.S.

Haha! One of your best posts I think I’ve read – so insightful, confronting and funny. I’m Australian and I feel we are probably just as cynical as the French, another reason why I loved this post. Living in the states just seems so intense, especially NY by the sound of it. The pressure for women in particular seems particularly terrifying. I suppose being the epitomized centre of globalization, it’s not so surprising that the culmination of stimulation/consumption/advertising in all its forms would result in a population of anxiety-ridden over-achievers, but I feel like you would need a detox (e.g. getting the fuck out of there 3 times a year to a remote island where you must become the hunter gatherer and rediscover the potential for simplicity in life etc etc like Bear Grylls). Thanks for your website Garance xx

MERCI :)

It’s not a French thing, I think it’s an European one – the way we fall in love. I totally agree with you – my first date with the guy I’m with now was super relaxed. I liked him, we clicked and kissed but I didn’t know what to think of it. One week later, we were together. No questions asked about the future – we just felt good together. This is the important thing – do you feel great when you’re with him? Then why search for others?? Live this to the maximum until it ends or, why not, changes into something even more meaningful ;)

Non mais c’est une blague ?

Ok here’s how we do bits of it in the UK! See a guy/girl somewhere – work lifts, in a bar, on a bus, shopping etc. Decide if you fancy them. Spend a few minutes/hours/days giggling with friends about how to contrive a meeting. Be egged on by said friends to go and chat he or she up, get number, stalk slightly, send message or something. If successful either arrange a date to meet or if fortunate enough to already be in an establishment that sells booze get stuck in to an unnecessarily large number of drinks until sufficiently drunk that, if you think they are half way decent, you can just start snogging there and then! Otherwise you have to wait for the first date to start this ritual. God knows how this then becomes a full on relationship but it seems to work after a few tries. The expectations a guy has for a British girl are just to hope that she won’t throw up in the cab on the way home (though that is no way a deal breaker) and will not be unrecognisably worse looking the next time you meet. It is unthinkable that a British woman wouldn’t get fatter after marriage and it is widely accepted that she will really only be thin on the wedding day (when the groom thinks she looks weird anyway). It isn’t too pretty to watch in a “romantic” French way, there certainly isn’t much perfection being sought (neurosis is a real turn off for British guys, they just think those sorts of girls are annoying), but it is ridiculously fun!

France: 1 NYC: 0

Hum… Sinon, j’imagine qu’il y a de “vrais” gens qui galèrent comme des bêtes là-bas aussi et qui ne correspondent à aucun des points du listing énoncé dans l’article. Et qui se sentent – comble de l’horreur- peut-être mêmes sereins, heureux voire libres au milieu de cette “pseudo-hipster” jungle urbaine aux codes surranés qui feraient passer un goulag pour une vaste blague.
ça m’a toujours étonné, cette tendance à en faire des caisses pour au fond, soyons sincères, juste épater la galerie ou se donner l’illusion d’être complètement au coeur de l’action ou… bref, je ne comprend de toute façon pas tout…
Petite réflexion mise à part, n’est-ce pas plutôt là un condensé quelque peu réchauffé de “Sex and the City” qui nous est présenté là?

Qu’est ce que je suis bien à Briançon … où travailler n’est finalement pas très tendance (on préfère grimper, skier, courir ou cueillir des champignons) (bon, ça pose d’autres problèmes, c’est sûr), où quand j’embrasse un homme qui me plait je peux enchaîner direct sur la nuit et le revoir TOUS LES SOIRS qui suivent si ça nous chante …
J’adore NYC, mais juste pour un week end :-)

Toronto, a city full of ridiculously beautiful women but lacking in men. All I meet are boys and douchebags.

I am an American and have lived in New York for eleven years (and okay in Paris for three years before that) and I have never dated any other way than they French way (outlined at the bottom of the post). Not because I knew it was French. (When I lived in Paris, almost every one of my friends was not French, so I wasn’t taught any sort of French way.) But just because it felt natural. What it has meant—wherever I’ve lived—is that I’ve had looong stretches of being totally single (because I have never wanted to “date” the New York way) but it has also meant that almost all of my relationships have been deep and with men who want to fall in love, too, just like me. I have been pitied by some of my friends sometimes for not having an active dating (or sex!) life, but in the end I wound up happily married to the man who was my boyfriend (from out first kiss, mind you) for eight great years before that. I guess I’m just saying unless you like the game, don’t play it. You’ll be surprised how many people you meet just looking around.

This column what elevates your site from other dull dull dull fashion sites. You raise some real points and realise the world of fashion isn’t real. I love your comment that some people want to plop themselves down in front of their computer. Really, isn’t that most people? Who do a good job then go home and do all the other stuff of life. The things that make the world interesting. Perfection is ok for the few but it’s real life that leads to genuine style. More please!

I live in San Francisco and everything you wrote made complete sense to me. I kept reading line by line thinking “Yup! That is exactly how it is.” As I read others’ comments expressing aghast surprise, I have to say Garance you hit it right on the nail with the way things are and feel in this big city as well (maybe it’s a coastal snobbery thing). In California we may have some more sense of “ease” or “casualness” but with the pace of the city this contrived ease is quickly dissipating. At least where I am in NorCal (versus soCal you have to tell me what it’s like down there).

Like it was all things I knew, but so refreshing to hear it explained from someone else. I love how you wrote about the difference between american “dating/seeing someone” and the French date meaning first date IS the relationship. Love this post!

Posts like this one are the reason why I love http://www.garancedore.fr that much. Thank you so much for sharing these life experiences with us! I loved reading every line of this text and as a European can totally relate to your astonishment everytime you hear about the American way of dating and loving.

Dear Garance,
Thank you for this post! I am a Dutch girl that moved to Paris 2 years ago, and I find dating here just as complicating :-) It just made me realise that it is normal to feel homesick or even a bit lost as the codes of dating are different, and back home everything seems more simple because you can “read” people more easily.

But like you love New York, I love Paris and I’m here to stay. Let’s hope we’l find the beautifully simple guy, because finally, beauty is simplicity!

xxx Julia

Very nice – would love it of you could check out my latest fashion post xo

Aliona | fromalionawithlove.com

Thanks for this post Garance, I totally agree with the fact that you can love a place but take issue with certain things about it, I think it just makes your blog more real. And a dose of reality is always welcome in my books because facades and assumptions that everything is always 100% perfect drive me crazy :) keep up the great work, and pretty please, keep throwing an opinion piece like this in every once in a while!

Oh dear lord… Just reading this article made me tired. I mean the idea of living in NY sounds great but when hearing and reading things like that, how hectic everything is – as in maintaining perfect jobs just for the sake of it and always finding the perfect schools, men, neighborhood to live in, having perfect kids … I mean come on! When do you have the time to actually live a little? I am not French but I am European so that is probably why I think this style of living is a little bit… too much. I have to say that I admire all of you who can actually maintain this kind of a lifestyle but I can only say for myself that I do not ever want to go through that – having the perfect body to find a perfect man and everything that goes with that? No, thank you. I prefer the French way of thinking – not being perfect has its own charm!

Comme on dit en France : P*** t’es dans la m*** !!!
Pas très élégant comme formule, mais beaucoup moins tordu qu’un date.
Cela dit tu peux faire le billet épisode 2 sur les français qui, après des mois d’histoire sérieuse, se rendent compte tout à coup, soudainement, hop comme si une claque les avait réveillés que : ” finalement je ne me sens pas prêt à m’engager.”

PS : l’auteur de ce commentaire, en couple depuis des années avec enfants, tient à préciser qu’elle n’est plus concernée par cette étape mais l’a vécue et ses copines jeunes trentenaires la vivent TOUTES en ce moment…

Wow, all this time I was wondering what the hell is wrong with me because I have absolutely NO desire to play the “field” when I’m smitten by someone, even though they might be, and on multiple fields to boot.

Turns out I just need to find me a French mate in the states, or move to France. I knew I pirated Pimsleur French for a reason :)

I guess fallin’ in love just like that is not only French thing. Most people in Europe does like that (I’m Polish). It’s natural and exciting. We do not calculate. We are not making any castings…but we adore this “click” moment. We are definitely not perfect…probably becoz perfection is kinda devoided of joy (?) I don’t know any person from Europe who wanna be perfect, but I know a bunch of people who would like to be spontaneous…and being perfect has nothing to do with that. And for me, personally, if U are perfect means U are boring. U didn’t find an idea how Ur life should look like, so U r fallin’ into kinda stereotypes. But it’s never too late! U can always change Ur life

Merde… c’est pareil à Paris mais en plus hypocrite.
Je crois que le pire c’est quand je suis tombée sur le mec que j’avais rencontré quelques semaines avant dans un café à 2 tables de moi avec une autre, en mode “rendez-vous”.

This is one of the most interesting article I have ever read! This is absolutely awesome. The little French comparisons are so sweet! *LOVE*

Thank you Garance for this wonderful post!
I’m from Belgium and live in San Diego since 2013.
I have been really confused about this “dating-thing” here in the US too. Your post describes it very well! Makes more sense now, altough I definitively prefer the French/European way =)

I couldn’t agree more with this post. As an American and native NYer, I find the American style of dating to be horrendous…hence, I dated Europeans and South Americans, who just seemed more real.
That is, until I met and married…my French husband. Who could not understand the American dating style for the life of him and still complains about Americans and their way of dating to this day.
The irony is that as an American, most of my friends are French ex-pats struggling in NY. I try to help them as best as I can.

Oh Garance, your writing is delicious! Your sentence above “be in the know” made me think of the book “ad more ~ing to your life” from Gabrielle Bernstein. Can’t help but ask: have you read her? She has a cool and relaxing approach on romantic relationships and issues. I’m from Belgium and prefer the French way too.
P.S.: I still think chunky knit socks in Birkenstocks rule… even more when you’re hugging a tree at the same time ;-)

Excellent! Being from Buenos Aires, having lived for a year in Paris and now two in NYC… It was so relieving and fun to see someone else think this way and see the ‘perfection’ story from such angle. I agree 100%, including the fact that if you stay true to yourself (and keep some foreign/latin origin friends around you), NYC can be pretty awesome!

Top ce post, comme toujours (il date de 3 semaines je débarque moi…je serai totally lost à NY moi).
Alors si je comprends bien, je dois accepter de partager mon ‘mec’ si je décide d’aller vivre la ou tu vis actuellement? C’est fou. Je croyais les américains puritains…les extrêmes quoi finalement. C’est fou fou fou cette histoire !

I think NYC style of life is very superficial , I prefer to live like the french do.
In NYC there is to much stress and pressure and people worry all the time of having and belonging instead of being worried of being better persons.

ahah excellent Garance! Mais ils sont fous ces new-yorkais!!! Ceci dit pour le système du dating je trouve que c’est pas si mal dans le sens où l’on apprend à connaître la personne avant d’aller plus loin, sans pour autant qu’il y ait une pression à “sortir ensemble”. Finalement, c’est un peu un droit à prendre son temps. Bon si ça se transforme en casting c’est un peu dommage!

Dear Garance,

This article is too true and funny. “Coffee, and BOOM,” it’s done.

Jackie

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I like what you guys are usually up too. This sort of clever work and reporting!
Keep up the good works guys I’ve added you guys to blogroll.

I’ve been reading your blog for the better part of a decade, and I think that you’re fabulous. But as a Girl from Columbus, Ohio, I have to tell you that it’s much better here than you might think. :)