DORÉ

Amelia: hi!! should we dive right in? weddings…

Veronica: oh man. just plunging into the deep end of a cold pool

A: this is super topical because I believe June and September are the most popular wedding months. so we’re heading into PRIME season

V: most mild yet sunny temperatures. is that the reason they’re popular?

A: yeah, I think so. It’s the best weather in most places

V: how many weddings are you attending this season? minus your own? which is more than attending — you are participating in yours, I’d like to think

A: actually, only mine. i’m hitting an age where they’re really slowing down. 30 was the prime wedding season age.

V: I went to 12 in a year a few years ago. and almost had a mental breakdown.
which obviously is not allowed because it’s the bride’s day

A: IT’S THE BRIDE’S MOST SPECIAL DAY!!!!!

V: And yes. true. 30 is the age. deemed by society as the perfect time to commit yourself to someone else for the next 50 years. I’m going to be so cynical during this

A: me too! I’m the most cynical bride ever

V: but please know, I am THRILLED you are getting married

A: so I’ve been planning a wedding for october. but i’m in my mid-30s and have already attended a million. and have been a bridesmaid 9 times!

V: bridesmaid-ing is just a very expensive way to prove your friendship to someone

A: so Naveen, my fiancé, wants to keep the ceremony between just the two of us. so we’re going to get married in September at the courthouse in Santa Barbara. We’re going to pick a random day and head there and just do it. then we’re having a party in October with friends and family that’s also in Santa barbara

V: that sounds delightful

A: the eloping part of it will be nice because I do think it should jusy be between us. I don’t know that I need my nearest and dearest watching me to make it real. I know it’s real. at first I was all about only eloping, but then I had a change of heart and decided to throw in the reception later on

V: yes, the “witness” part is not as necessary. I feel that as well. I witness it myself, I know it’s real

A: i think at the heart of it, a wedding is nice. when you take out the meltdowns and IT’S MY DAY!!! crap

V: it’s cool to gather all your people and celebrate. I just feel like social media and Pinterest has completely fucked us and now it’s all CONTENT and it’s lost all heart

A: yeah! pinterest is insane. like you have to turn your party into a design showcase

V: I don’t care nor do I remember the little details that people agonized over. but, I remember the heartfelt speeches and the love between a couple. but, that doesn’t play as well on the gram…

A: exactly! I don’t really remember the food either. except for my friend who got married in Chicago and had hot dogs. actually, the more lowbrow the food, the more memorable

V: the only food I remember is a whole pig roasted in Spain! ALSO! pinterest has surprisingly gotten rid of all originality. you think it would do the opposite–give someone all these ideas. but instead, it’s like the coffee shop thing, now wherever you go, every coffee shop looks exactly the same. And now every bride looks exactly the same to me. I beg brides to wear chic short red nails. Instead it must be nude, along with the lip to match a sweetheart strapless neckline. WHICH LOOKS GOOD ON 2% OF THE POPULATION. yet, is worn by all

A: So true.

V: okay, but truth time — sometimes I wonder if I have an extreme annoyance at weddings these days because I just don’t think I’ll ever have one. so now I take out my annoyance that this will never be returned to me on people who might not warrant my wrath

like at the heart of my annoyance is jealousy

and that’s not cool

A: why do you think you’ll never have one? and do you want one?

V: Mmmm. I’m not great as the center of attention. like it’s hive-inducing for me, unless there’s a reason for it (I have a planned speech, am hosting a panel, performing a play etc). if I’m just in front of people to be in front of people because it’s my day (like my bday) I will break out in full body hives

I also have this thing where I think my “calling’ in life is to carve a different path to show other women other lives can be lived

than the straight arrowed lines of marriage, kids etc

we have so few examples of women saying, “what happens if we clear this field and try this”

as opposed to walking down a well-tread path

and I still believe most, not all, but most marriages are not equal

A: Oh my god, the center of attention thing… my moms’ friends threw me a small bridal shower in July. like 20 people

V: (shudders)

A: and I realized I’ve never been the center of attention. I’ve never really had birthday parties (just like getting drinks with friends) and the center of attention thing at the shower was FUCKING insane. I was so nervous. it was weird. im generally a comfortable person and social, but that threw me off. I was opening presents and 20 people were staring at me. my hands started to shake

V: also where’s the groom shower? I want them to also experience this uncomfortableness

A: I also feel really guilty. like I wanted to tell everyone, please!! you don’t have to make this a big deal

V: I’m a terrible person and when I’m uncomfortable I usually snap at someone (usually my mom) because I’m so uncomfortable I forget how to act in social settings. I hear the argument that they want to make it a big deal — like this brings them joy. but, I have my doubts

A: I will say that it’s def not as big of a deal if you get married after 35, which is cool by me. Also, I appreciate my married friends who still just hang on their own and rarely ask “Are we doing couples??”

V: ahahahaha re: that question. yes an independent but married person is liberating and refreshing

A: YES!!!

V: same with married folks that don’t spend the entire weekend together

A: wait, have I already told you my one condition for marrying Naveen?

V: no! do tell.

A: for some reason he and I talked about what would happen if one of us passes after we get married (we are very morbid). and I told him I forbid him to remarry, and if he does, I will haunt him and his new wife for eternity. he then said that he’s going to have a threesome with his new wife and my ghost

V: HAHAHA

A: so now that visual is seared in my brain. ahhh… romance

V: yeah I’m very possessive of my person. even him experiencing any joy after my death, I’m like HOW DARE YOU. which is insane. obviously. but I’m an insane person

A: SAME! wait, can we talk about the traditions like at the wedding. ok the bouquet toss is so lame. it’s like, “hey ladies, im happy and maybe one day you will be too… if you can catch this!” it’s so cheesy! who invented that and why do people still do it!

V: ha. or how the groom exposes his bride’s leg for the garter belt

A: YES!! the bride is sitting in front of her brothers and grandpa and the groom is like, “pretty sexy lady I snagged, huh?!!” and then throws her undergarment to his friends! so they can sleep with it under their pillow or put it on their rearview mirror and be like, “Oh yeah, that’s my friends wife’s thigh scrunchie”

V: also what’s the point of a thigh scrunch?

A: too many couples go through the motions thinking they have to

V: what would be your biggest piece of advice for brides to be?

A: do what feels right for you! and be yourself. just because everyone else walks down an aisle to symbolize marriage, doesn’t mean you have to. and if you’re not even religious, why have a minister there? you don’t have to check off the traditional boxes just because

V: I agree. I would add, this isn’t going to be the best day of your life. something else will be, so don’t put the pressure on it to live up to that expectation

A: a wedding is just a party and a chance for your family and friends to hang with you as a couple… especially for distant relatives who haven’t yet met your partner

V: it’s going to be a really, really nice day where hopefully you feel really loved and lightly buzzed on champagne

A: and you don’t have to wear nude polish just because everyone else does

!!