DORÉ

I first got in contact with Esther Perel through her fantastic, fun, and eye-opening Ted Talks. I don’t remember exactly how I stumbled upon them (thought it’s not surprising, since her talks are total hits with more than 15 million views…), but it was probably one of these days where I was asking myself a million questions about how to love and how to be loved. I immediately got caught by her approach. In some ways, I could entirely relate to her – probably in part because of our European upbringings. In other ways, she was completely challenging the ideas I had about attraction and desire.

It pushed me to read her book and of course, to want to introduce you to her and to her work.

In this podcast, Esther Perel explains to us how she created her path, how she forged her opinions, travelling around the world and being in contact with other cultures. She also talks about her practice and responds all my questions about how to love and how to be loved…

[podcast_episode episode=”236467″ ]

On love in the 70’s…
I am the generation of the 70s. I am the first generation with the pill, and pre-AIDS! So we had 10 years of freedom that no other generation knew. So I understood contraception very well at a young age and for the first time there was a freedom that no one else experienced. One thing we did have was boyfriends, or what I like to call, sex with a plot! You know, there was a story! A story!! And you were enthralled by the story, not by the act. The story, the seduction, the flirtation, the poetry that we would write for each other, the serenades, the hours on the phone. That whole real intimate story was what we were involved in.

On Modern Sex Issues…
We’ve always been told when you love you desire, but no. It seems that it’s not so simple. Why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex? I love being loved but I also want to be wanted. Can we want what we already have? Why is the forbidden so erotic? Why is it that the generation that has contraception in their hands, pre-marital sex as a norm, permission to do what they want, doesn’t feel like doing it? Or not at home! They do it anywhere else, but not you know, with the person they’re supposed to do it with! What is this crisis of desire?

On the most common questions women have…
In relation to work, I would say that women’s major concerns have to do with asking for what they deserve. Period. Primarily around money, status, recognition, responsibility. If women still make 70% to the dollar, it is because they are afraid to ask: they don’t want to seem aggressive, or greedy, they want to be liked. That is still so entrenched. Number two, love. “Am I lovable, am I desirable? Would you cheat on me? Am I beautiful enough? Do you like another one more than me?”

On how insecurities change over time…
I relate to it, I’m not describing a different species. I’m very much a part of the whole thing. And you have the insecurities when you’re young, and you have the insecurities when you’re less young. As a conclusion I say, if I had the confidence of today with the looks of then! When I had the looks I felt very bad inside, and when I have lesser looks I actually feel quite good! Cause I have experience, maturity and I care a little bit less about – does everybody love me?

On the key to making your relationship work…
You can expect your partner to do a lot of things, but the idea that one person will satisfy all your needs, the same person will be the one with whom you take care of your dying mother and your babies, and your sex life, and your professional anxieties, and your internal turmoil, and your intellectual pursuits, and your creative endeavors, take this out of your mind! I think that part of what is difficult is the excessive amount of expectations. You understand that your partner will meet some of your needs: they may be sexual and erotic and intimate, or they may not.

On the pressure imposed on women in regards to romantic relationships…
It’s really, I think, a new form of oppression for the women, because it’s a complete bind, and a double message. Go out, do what you want, accomplish, achieve, be a success, actualize yourself, be a professional, be independent, find a man, find a man, find a man! And unless you find a man, there’s a hole in your life, there’s a hole in you! I really think this is, on a cultural, political level, it is the backlash on women in a pernicious way.

On being happy and single…
I think that we have been sold an ideal and your life is incomplete if you don’t have a romantic partner. I think New York in particular is a city where people can be extremely happy as singles because you have a rich life, you’re not a spinster sitting alone in your house, and you can have a real circle of friends. And actually, many people that are in couples in New York are way more isolated especially when they have young children, when it’s the worst time to be isolated, than people who are single and have a large and solid group of friends. But the people who are single with a solid group of friends are continuously still hoping and thinking that this is the holy grail, that this is the thing that completes a life, and I think it creates a misguided hunger. It’s an amazing experience to have a long romantic relationship, but it is not the only one for sure.