DORÉ

As of today, my wedding is currently 67 days away. I know—you’re just like me and thinking… OMG HOW DID THAT HAPPEN SO FAST?!

It seems like just yesterday that I was musing with you about the trials and tribulations of where we should have the wedding, where the honeymoon should be, what to wear, etc, etc….and now, just like that, it’s basically here and I am completely. freaking. out.

I’m not freaking out about the logistics, those are pretty much all done. Caitlin prepared me for the barrage of small stuff that pops up a couple of weeks before your wedding so I knew I would be in the thick of all of the little things, like putting together reference music for our DJ, ordering things for the welcome bags, making sure we have film for the Fuji Instax cameras we’re going to have…so it’s not that. I was born to do logistics.

What’s making me freak out is the fact that I’m actually doing this! It’s been excellent fodder for my therapist, but over the last few weeks I’ve had multiple dreams about the wedding being cancelled for various reasons and have found myself lost in thought, wondering if I even believe in marriage?? You know, all of the questions that can easily make you spiral and that I’ve come to realize are just normal wedding jitters. But as I was saying to my friend Kelly over pizza and tiramisu last night (hello wedding diet!), we have so many choices now when it comes to how we structure our relationships that we don’t just have to get married anymore in order to basically survive, like it’s been ingrained in us for many years. So as we’ve evolved, as women and as a society and we’re more independent and educated, it’s normal that we start to question everything. And I’m wondering, why did no one warn me about this? Yes, I’ve seen Runaway Bride, but this is so different. This is strong, independent women choosing to make a commitment to a single partner for the rest of their lives. It’s exhilarating and exciting and completely terrifying at the same time. And I wonder why—at least in my friend circle or in the things I’m reading—people aren’t talking about this more.

Josh, if you’re reading this, don’t worry—I’m not having cold feet. Mom and Dad, I promise you’re okay not buying the travel insurance on the flights to Italy. On the contrary, asking myself these questions has actually forced me to figure out the answers, and they’ve actually made me feel stronger about my relationship and the commitment we’re making to each other. That it’s an active choice we’re making, not just a thing we’re doing because we’re “supposed to.”

But my head has been busy, and my sleep has been restless, and I’m excited when September 15th rolls around and we do this thing and start to settle into a new life as husband and wife. And when the questions transition from: why are we doing this? to: how do we continue to make this relationship strong, loving, active, fun and engaged every single day, until death do us part.