Silence 2/2 – I don’t know at which moment I started creating “me” and stopped being just a kid living the moment. Slowly, probably, I made the persona you know. I learned how to be loved, protect myself, to survive in society. Layers of me. I remember moments, like the day I decided to stop being shy because I realized everybody is insecure – & became outgoing pretty much overnight. I was 18. . When I entered silence, it was in my yoga pants. Sitting for long hours requires soft clothes. People do not look at you anyway. For 6 days, no one, except maybe your teachers, sees you. . I talk to people. I interact, I smile, I joke around. Connection is the salt of my life. . There, only silence. . I starting missing my “self”. Who I am when I am nothing to others? When I can’t be seen? It felt excruciating, humbling, to look at that “self” from the distance. I had love & compassion for her, but also for the 1st time, I saw how much of it was a creation. I missed my envelope, real bad. . My games & resistance were just a way to keep her close. — When we broke silence a week later, we did talking groups. We had to listen to what people were saying, without interrupting (lol if you’ve seen my latest video you know I can have a liiiiitle problem with that)(not always, just when I’m excited). . A woman in my group told us how shy she is. And how not being seen was the most comfortable she had felt in her life. She could move freely for the 1st time. . So, I told her how agonizing it was for me, made her laugh. I was back ????? . — I could tell you so much more… I left saying I would NEVER do that crazy thing again, but now I’m like oh shit I learned so much. Maybe I need more of it. . This retreat was just a part of the work I’ve been doing on myself for years but it has been a great moment of discovery. It’s definitely “life changing”, this elusive concept which is a journey – not a destination. . PS The teachers & dharma talks where phenomenal. I have to add a line about the beauty of 100+ people meditating together. The peace. The love. The eternity of a moment. The purity. . @spirit_rock #matthewbrensilver #vinnyferraro @joannahardy65 ?
6 years ago by
