Atelier Doré

I’ve been thinking about this concept a lot recently. I personally like splitting the check because both people are going to have an experience and it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me that a guy should have to pay. However, I’m torn. Because it leaves out this important, nice feeling of being treated to something. Which when you’re on a date can be really nice. I split the check every time I go out and then either me or my date will treat each other to little things. I’m not sure about the taking turns concept because that leaves room for one person to feel resentful if the other person forgets, or if the tab is very high. I’m really curious what other people are doing and what you guys have found works best for you!

Personally, I am at a point where I am finished being the « cool girl » who « hangs out » with guys. Therefore, if a man wants the pleasure of my company, he can buy. The first few times at least. From there, I’m not sure.

Je mets un point d’honneur à partager la première addition. Parce que je trouve que si l’un invite, cela sous-entends que l’autre devrait rendre la pareille un jour. Alors qu’après un premier verre on ne sait jamais trop si on va se revoir ou pas. Ensuite c’est chouette de s’inviter à tour de rôle :)

I think it should be income based. Like if you are a straight, cis woman in America, you probably make 77% of a male counterpart (and it’s even less on average for women of color). If that is the case in reality, your date should then pay 23% more. So, Dutch, but the dude covers the tip. Of course, it’s awkward to bring that up at first, but you probably have a vague sense of who is making more even from the get-go.

Before we got married and combined some income, my man paid for two-thirds of the rent and associated costs because he made twice as much as I did.

…and let’s not forget that women still make less money than men… while it costing more just to exist as a woman.

Going Dutch is not sexy. Taking turns is sexier. Chivalry is sexiest. Yes, everyone works but it’s a small sweetness, especially before it’s established a relationship will be happening. I prefer to never ask or pay until I’ve been someone’s girlfriend a long time, but I’m old fashioned that way. I ended up with a guy who prefers to go Dutch and I hate it so much. He seems so ungenerous! He never just picks up the bill. It might seem small, but it’s a big deal to me.

I am not the go-dutch type of person. It doesn’t look natueal to me since I was taught to be merciful on treating my companion. But, I always try to pay the bill evenly when Im with my boyfriend. Once my boyfriend buy me lunch, then I treat him dinner or coffee. Of course, I assume he spend more money on dating than I do on average. It is quiet old-fashioned, but I do not want to hurt his ego or feelings as much as I don’t want to give him a burden of paying every bills we should have shared.

I always expect a guy to pay! For at least the first several dates. Otherwise if we go Dutch I feel like I’m just hanging out with a friend…nothing romantic about that! When a guy pays, I find it to be a very gentlemanly thing to do. However if say we go out to a nice dinner I’ll offer to pay for the cab ride to the next place or a round of drinks. After several dates and I think the relationship might be going somewhere then I would offer to pay every third date or so. Or keep paying the ‘smaller’ portion of the date, depending on what I think his income is compared to mine.

As a feminist and women of class, I will rather split the bill and get it over with.

http://www.distinguisheddiva.com/2015/09/learn-to-accept-yourself-in-little.html

My view about this aspect in dating is similar to yours. But where I was born, it’s always the men who pay for the check. Sometimes, it’s not because the women can’t pay, but they think it feels nice to be indulgent and courted by the men and him paying for the date is one of the ways to show that.

I’m one to split the check on everything. I see some women commenting and saying that it’s nice to be treated- and I agree… But personally, I always find it easier to pay my own way and be equals in that arena.

I once dated a man who just assumed I would pay my half no matter what. He was making two to three times the salary I was making. I stopped going out with him because I couldn’t afford some of the dates he asked me out on. When I met the man who became my husband, I paid for the first date because he left his wallet in his desk drawer. After that we agreed that whoever did the asking would pay for the date. But no matter what, he always found a way to say he asked me out, or it was his idea or he chose the restaurant or activity. My older brother told me just to accept his generosity and go with it. Twenty-five years later, he is still extremely generous and always looking out for me.

As a woman, I think it’s such a wonderful feeling being treated to dinner by a date. When I was single (which wasn’t long ago) I never offered to pay on dates and it actually never came up either. We should be free to do what feels right. If we’re traditional, then we never offer to split it. If we’re quite modern then we do obviously. It’s about the kind of man you want and the kind of woman your are but just own it and be confident.

I believe that men should pay for the first date, and then it should be a split.
Mostly because men usually are the ones asking on the date (well, at least, in France, that’s how it works) and whoever chooses where the date takes place, should invite, out of pure politeness – what if the other party hates the place? Is allergic to the food served? Can’t afford it?

Ma mère m’a toujours dit : s’il te fait payer ta part, fuis! Haha.
Je trouve que partager l’addition entre potes/collègues, c’est normal mais à un rencard, c’est bizarre.
Je préfère nettement qu’on paye chacun son tour, c’est plus décontracté.

This is a subject so sensitive, that many relationships I know (and have been part of) have been broken for reasons attached to it. Generosity is an aspect I really look for in people, not just guys I date, but also friends, as I am inclined to be generous myself. I expect a guy who asks me out on a first date to pay (I of course make a move, but I expect him to insist). Thereafter, I would like him to also insist on paying as a sign of gallantry, even if I would have to step up and undertake at least some expenses. It is nice to be treated with practically anything. If the guy is not of great means (who is nowadays?) I would be happy with just a cone of ice cream, and would not demand box seats at the opera! When the relationship progresses I act like Neada says in her post. You take turns, you forget, it is blurred. And this is the good scenario. If paying becomes an issue then something is wrong..

I am a little shocked by all the women (many younger than I) who are happy for the man to pay for not just the first date but most of the dates afterwards! Why should they pay for our company? Doesn’t that make you feel a little weird – are we escorts? It is true that I have usually been wealthier than all the men I’ve dated and make more money than my husband now, but I don’t think going dutch should ‘dampen the romance’. Going dutch protects both of you – no assumptions are made about the money/power balance in the early stages of the relationship. Money is a loaded subject, but if someone can’t afford to pay for dinner early on in a relationship it shouldn’t be a taboo subject. Go on a date that doesn’t involve money, go for a walk, go to a museum (in Europe, US museums are not free!) have an inexpensive coffee or ice cream. If he offers to treat you, that’s nice, but shouldn’t be expected or a deal-breaker: that’s real inequality and shows a reinforcement of the stereotype that men should ‘take care’ of us. We are not incapable. Care means listening and showing affection, not having a big wallet.

That’s a funny and often difficult point, I’m glad you raised the question Neada. It’s interesting to see other people’s point of view and understand what is acceptable. On the one side, it is never nice to be that person that always takes and never gives. I think all relationships (friendships included) should be reciprocal. It’s not about keeping taps, when things are balanced no one ever feels used or feels the need to keep track, like you said « it all goes down in the wash ». It’s also not about I paid this and you paid that, sometime it could be that I treat you to an event, but you are there for me when I’m down or give me good advice, whatever it might be.

When it comes to guys, even though I’m a bit of a feminist, I like when a guy pays for the first couple of dates. This might sound bad, but it’s a way to gage his interest in me. I find that when a guy likes you, he wants to show off and treat you nice, and looks proud to have you around. He is not holding back; if he is, I feel that I’m a sort of place holder. I have the impression that unlike girls, guys would date girls they sort of like until what they really want comes along. Most girls, I find, will wait and be single until they find that unicorn.

I don’t fancy myself a placeholder, so I like when a guy wants to prance for my benefit. Of course, it doesn’t have to be super expensive or anything. Simple things are always the best, he just has to be creative to come up with a cool experience for both of you to enjoy and get to know each other, and show that he thought about it and paid attention to your interest. Maybe this is too much to ask in this day and age, but when a guy likes you, he does it, at least at the start (this latter is another conversation…) It also shows that he takes charge, a great quality in a person! After a couple of dates of him paying, I of course feel that I should treat him back in appreciation. One quirk about me is that, if I’m not into a guy I’m on a date with, I would not feel comfortable with him paying. So if I’m pushing to pay my part on a first date, that’s the kiss of death LOL

I’m thinking now though that I guess I should qualify first dates as it changes my thinking. If the first date is with a guy I sort of know and am starting to explore a romantic interest with, then the statement above applies, if it is with a stranger (online dating, anyone?) that you don’t even know if you like or not and is just to get an impression, then no, coffee will suffice, and going dutch is fine.

I found interesting the concept of paying if you are the one to ask for the date. Food for thought!

Btw- I heard elsewhere that guys paying for dates is fair taking into account all the trouble and expense we go through to look good on a dates. I don’t know if I subscribe to this but hey, something else to think about!

Sujet intéressant et délicat.

Ce qui est certain c’est que je répugne complètement à séparer l’addition en deux lors d’un rendez-vous romantique. C’est peut-être parce que je suis française, ou simplement vieux jeux ah ah, mais je trouve ça d’une espèce de mesquinerie dans ce contexte. Je préfère qu’on s’invite à tour de rôle. Si j’insiste pour payer ma part ce serait vraiment parce que je ne voudrais plus jamais revoir ce type et n’avoir rien à lui devoir. D’ailleurs je fonctionne un peu pareil dans un contexte amical quand il s’agit de petites dépenses : si j’offre un verre à quelqu’un par exemple parce qu’il n’a pas assez de liquide sur lui, j’ai horreur qu’il me rembourse en espèce, je préfère dire que la prochaine fois c’est lui qui invite. Ce n’est pas très pragmatique mais selon moi plus chaleureux…

Mais j’avoue que j’ai encore un peu tendance à considérer que c’est plus au mec d’inviter au début de la relation… C’est vrai qu’avec le mien, il y a une grosse différence de revenus puisque je suis encore étudiante et pas lui, et que depuis 4 ans qu’on est ensemble lorsque que j’ai eu un peu plus de moyen j’ai toujours participé de plus en plus. Quand on est dans une relation depuis longtemps les choses s’équilibrent de façon naturelle, et c’est bien plus sain.

J’aime bien ton idée que le premier qui invite offre le rendez-vous ;)

Is it possible to be Independent and Old Fashioned? My bf of almost a year pays for every meal out ( I try to chip in and he says « put it away, thank you ») I had no idea it was going to be like this, but I am quite appreciative of how generous he is. I have desgnsted myself the giver of the « petits cadeaux » to alleviate my feeling bad. I also cook for him whenever I can. He definitely makes more than I do, but I don’t think that is the only reason for his generosity. I have dated the guy who questions the brand and cost of my cocktail as I order and that was both uncomfortable and horrible!

I am a mother of a teenage son and my husband I tell him not to let a girl pay. It seems to set a tone in making him feel like a gentleman and making the girl feel special.

I, too, am surprised by the number of commenters here who are still buying into the traditional gender roles of « men should take care of women. » Is it not 2015? Are we still so concerned about bruising a man’s ego? I feel that whoever initiated the date should offer to take care of the check; that is just common courtesy. After that, once the relationship is established a little more, splitting the check or taking turns is totally fine. For me, I would rather split a check with someone I don’t know too well, because it levels the playing field and I won’t feel « indebted » to the other person. Is being wooed and treated to dinner nice to have once in a while? Sure, but so is the sense of power and agency from being able to provide for myself and be generous to others.