7 years ago by
Ça fait plus d’un an qu’on est fiancés et on n’a pas l’ombre du début d’une idée de quand on va se marier.
Voilà, ça c’est pour répondre à la question brûlante qu’on n’ose même plus nous poser.
Comme si notre amour était en salle d’attente, ou pire, qu’on n’osait pas dire qu’on était revenus en arrière et qu’on avait changé d’idée, en fait. Ou PIRE ! Qu’on s’était mariés en secret à Vegas. Quoi qu’il en soit, après environ huit mois de fiançailles, la question “Alors c’est pour quand ???” s’efface tout doucement, pour laisser place à un sourire un peu gêné, puis pour disparaître complètement de la conversation.
Phew, enfin !
Surtout que ce n’était pas vraiment simple de répondre, tellement la raison secrète pour laquelle nous ne sommes pas encore mari et femme est simple : on n’a pas encore eu le temps de se pencher sur la question.
Et puis c’est chouette, d’être fiancés !
Les fiançailles, c’est un moment unique.
Bon, beaucoup de copines me l’ont dit : c’est aussi le pire moment possible. C’est le moment où, comme quand on est en escrow sur une maison (oui je suis en train de passer par là et j’ai hâte de vous en parler), on a toujours une chance de s’en sortir, si on veut.
C’est le moment où l’on se dit : est-ce VRAIMENT ce que je veux ?
Delphine, ma guide ès mariage, me l’a toujours dit : Un homme, quand il demande notre main, a eu le temps de se pencher sur la question pendant des mois, il sait.
Pour une femme en revanche, le point culminant de sa vie est le moment où l’homme se jettera à ses pieds en haut de l’Himalaya (ou dans une chambre d’hôtel au Mexico) et ne voit pas beaucoup plus loin que ça. La victoire EST dans la proposition, la demande de main. Un genre de YES ! BOOM ! Eheheh. Je l’ai eu. ;)
Qu’est-ce qu’on est con, quand même.
Ensuite pendant quelques mois semaines jours on s’éclaire à la lumière de notre diamant victoire amour et tout est parfait dans le plus parfait des mondes, on mange des fraises en se regardant dans les yeux et en s’enroulant les bras comme dans les pubs, puis la vraie vie vient taper à la porte, et commence l’inévitable “danse des fiancés”, qui se traduit par de vrais moments de magie, entrecoupés par des moments de :
“Pardon (air offusqué) tu veux devenir mon mari et tu ________ ?”
(Au choix : laisses trainer tes chaussettes, ne me textes pas de chat aux yeux en coeur pendant plus de trois heures, n’as pas promené le chien qui a pissé dans le couloir, etc etc etc.)
Ça peut aller très loin, et en plus c’est un peu comme Stranger Things, d’être fiancés : On adoooooooore se faire peur. Ooooooooh tremblez, fiancés !!!
Que la personne qui n’est pas passée par un rendage de bague dramatique avec larmes ET hurlements (passage obligé des fiançailles, moment ultime de test de l’amour)(lui de son côté, n’ayant pas de bague à rendre, va acheter des cartons et commence à les remplir) jusqu’à ce que l’amour gagne à nouveau et que soient renforcés les sentiments et les promesses.
Tous ces passages sont apparemment obligés, et le fait que j’ai été mise au courant par mes amies ne m’a pas du tout empêchée d’y passer en croyant dur comme fer que j’étais originale et que personne, non, personne n’était passé par des moments profonds de drame aussi poignants.
Pfffff, on passe tous par là, banane.
Donc une fois la dramaturgie accomplie, une espèce de tranquillité, d’amour paisible et lumineux s’installe. C’est un moment assez beau, il faut dire – on a passé TOUS les tests, et même quand on s’engueule et qu’on s’énerve (oui non parce que quand même), on sait qu’on s’aime d’amour et que personne n’a l’intention de faire ses cartons.
Il est temps de se marier. Non ?
Si.
ALORS ?
Et bien alors, il y a déjà tous les points dont Laura parlait l’autre jour.
Mettre un pied dans le mariage, dans notre société moderne, c’est en premier mettre un pied chez l’avocat.
Qui a envie de faire ça, je vous le demande.
Le deuxième truc, c’est d’imaginer tout ce qu’on pourrait faire de merveilleux, d’époustouflant, de fabuleux, du mariage en Corse dans mon village avec bateaux affrétés et compagnie, au mariage à LA sur la plage, au mariage en Virginie à la ferme, au mariage en Caroline du Sud sur le lac… La la la rêves de petits oiseaux et de coeurs et de bonheurs, oui, de bonheur !
Et ensuite, prendre tous ces rêves et les lacérer un par un, ou bien engloutir son patrimoine sur trois générations et renoncer à s’acheter une maison, une voiture, une vie.
Ensuite, il faut décider d’une date et la fixer, et rien que ça, nous, les trucs fixes, fuuuuuu, lulu.
Vient alors le moment où l’on se dit oui, finalement, un petit mariage simple et beau c’est quand même vachement sympa. Ou un mariage sur un coup de tête à la mairie ! Ou un mariage sans mariage ! Ou pas de mariage c’est vachement sympa aussi ! Ou…
Viens on parle d’autre chose, mon chéri.
Et c’est comme ça que parfois, on décide juste de prendre son temps. Rajoutez la vie au milieu, un déménagement annoncé à Los Angeles et tous les changements de vie (et oui, peut-être, l’achat de maison et de voitures) qui vont avec, et pof, on décide de prendre son temps.
Même si parfois, je l’entends m’appeler sa femme. J’adore.
Et prendre son temps, c’est étrange, mais ça n’a fait qu’une chose : renforcer mon envie de me marier. Comme je vous l’avais dit, pour moi, le mariage était un concept étrange, pas familier, presque cynique. J’ai grandi dans une famille de divorcés et ce que j’ai vu de l’amour ne m’a pas laissée avec énormément de rêves, ni d’espoir, ni d’envie.
Mais en prenant mon temps, j’ai apprivoisé l’idée, et j’ai même commencé à l’adorer, cette idée. Tout simplement parce que ce qui s’est imposé entre nous, c’est qu’on n’a besoin de personne pour nous dire ce qu’on sait : qu’en nous, on est déjà mari et femme.
Et si c’est à cela que servent les fiançailles alors je le dis, il ne faut pas hésiter à prendre son temps. Résister à la pression, faire exactement comme on veut.
Et savoir que le mariage qui suivra ne sera rien d’autre qu’une célébration de cet amour, qui existe déjà. Le mariage n’enlèvera rien, et ne créera rien qui n’est déjà là.
Pour moi, c’est une révolution et un vrai esprit d’ouverture à la beauté d’être unis et à la simplicité de la vie. Avec cette idée en tête, ce sera probablement beaucoup plus facile d’imaginer un jour J qui nous corresponde, de fixer une date qui marche pour tout le monde, et de pouvoir s’écrier quand plus personne n’osera nous le demander : “On a une date !”
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bon, je n’ai même pas encore lu le texte, mais WOW, cette illustration est superbe!!!
bon, je n’ai même pas encore lu le texte, mais WOW, cette illustration est superbe!!!
<3
I’ve been engaged nine years now. Lol.
Wow, I think I must have had one of the shortest engagements here. I was proposed to in September 2010 and by New Year’s Day, I was married. I didn’t have the chance to do all of the parties people do between engagement and marriage, and having such a short engagement meant not everyone could make it, but overall I enjoyed it. I feel like long engagements up the risk of a couple overanalyzing the relationship and breaking up. I was with my husband for three years before marriage, so we knew each other well. I also think short engagements are less stressful. You simply have to work with what you have rather than waiting for everything to be perfect. We got married on the property of a wealthy person we happened to know, and that took care a lot of problems.
Go Garance!
J’aime beaucoup cette idée, être fiancés pour la vie! :)
Xxx
Julie
I was engaged for three years. Everybody was asking the golden question: when? When? And then, when it feels right, we set the date. It was a lovely small weeding, with our most loved ones: no more than 30 persons. It was special and it was right for us. No pressure, just love :)
Ouhla je me reconnais totalement dans cet article, en effet je suis fiancée depuis bientôt plus de 2 ans ! Hé ouais nous aussi on prend notre temps et on savoure. Après tout, rien ne presse quand on est amoureux et qu’on se considère déjà comme mari et femme :)
Des bisous Garance,
Mido.
http://www.bowsome.com/
Hi Garance,
Many thanks for this article! I’m currently in the phase of the drama :( Like, should I really spend the rest of my life with him when he can’t even wash the dishes? And every little stupid thing makes me angry.
This article was really helpful for me and helped me to realize that there are more people going through the same.
Only nobody is ever talking about that… :)
Cheers
I personally think that way too often we spend too much time thinking and overthinking things – when we can just finally « do it » instead :-) Because, yeah, simplicity is the key. But it’s great that being engaged slowly but surely changed the way you see marriage! :)
http://www.appelezmoiana.com
Qu’est-ce qui presse ? Profitez de votre nouvelle vie a LA, vous la commencez ensemble, c’est super d’en partager la decouverte et l’installation avec quelqu’un qu’on aime.
Les fiançailles prolongées, c’est assez romantique finalement comme idée!
De mon côté j’ai pris le chemin opposé…Après 7 ans de relation, on a compris que là ça y est, on était prêts – et à partir de ce moment on a tout mis en route en deux mois! Une date à la mairie- check, un resto pour 100 personnes, re-check. Pas de fleurs, pas de jeux, pas de fringues chères ni de bagues de fiançailles, juste un projet qui a mûri jusqu’à sembler évident. Finalement j’ai réalisé que pour moi, le meilleur moyen de ne pas « paniquer » c’était de relativiser l’importance de la fête elle-même et de valoriser la relation et l’engagement en tant que tel. Pas si différent de votre démarche, finalement :)
Bonjour,
Finalement, le plus important c’est de faire les choses comme on les sent. Je me suis mariée à 22 ans avec un homme que je connaissais depuis un an et demi. Tout le monde nous disait qu’on était fous et que ça ne tiendrait pas 3 ans! Et quand on a voulu faire un enfant 6 mois plus tard on nous encore dit qu’on ferait mieux d’attendre et bla-bla-bla.
Résultat, on va fêter nos 21 ans de mariage et on a trois beaux garçons de 19, 17 et 15 ans, une belle maison et deux chats. Voilà, voilà, il n’y a pas de règle, juste ce qu’on sent être pour nous et c’est tout.
Bises,
Catherine
I was engaged for about a year and a half… so not that long, really. But we spent most of that time doing the « what about this type of wedding… or that one! » dance. We ended up getting married in San Francisco’s City Hall (MUCH more beautiful than the civil ceremony location in NYC, where we live) with two witnesses, and it was lovely. I still have those moments of « oooooh I wish I’d had a big dress! I wish I’d danced with my dad!!! » but no matter which wedding you have, there will always be the ones you didn’t have. If I’d had a big dress and 100 people and danced with my dad, I’d probably be here saying, « ooooooooh I wish it had just been us! »
Après 8 ans de relation mon fiancé m’a demandé en mariage et à cause de l’argent, nous avons décidé de nous marier environ 2 ans plus tard. Mais c’était très important pour nous de considérer les fiançailles comme une vraie période, pas seulement la période entre la relation et le mariage. Pourquoi ne pas modeler les fiançailles à votre goût? Pourquoi les fiançailles devraient obligatoirement être courte? Depuis quand les fiançailles ne sont qu’un tremplin vers le mariage? Personne ne peut décider ça autre que vous, alors faites en ce que vous voulez!
I was seeing my boyfriend for years. My family had to force us to get married. I didnt see a point in it. He didnt see a point in putting it off. They convinced me to get it done. I finally gave in. Its one party. One day of rituals. Get it done and forget about it, I thought.
But things do change. We have huge well knit families. And they all became one larger family. Before the ritual, there was this wall of formality. Now, they visit each other and hang out all the time. And share their lives. There is a level of intimacy between the families. Thats the only thing that has changed after I got married.
You should do whats right for you. I promise, we wont keep asking about the day or the dress or anything else. You have a dog together ! Thats commitment enough.
So right ? we have been engaged for 4 years (dating 4 already before)…before getting married, got the house in between and so many things on the road to our wedding day that made our mariage « à notre image ». it s not a race. Anyway your textes (and the team ) and illustrations are really great and add extra positivity in my day.
Garance – hang in there … YOU’VE GOT THIS. After 3 years together our engagement lasted 5 days so I had no time to think. We were engaged while we were on vacation too but when talking about when we would get married my fiance suggested (completely unplanned) that perhaps we could get married while we were there (we were in another country). It was an unbelievably spontaneous moment. And the most wonderful wedding followed. We still talk about it and thank our lucky stars to have complete strangers (and a foreign couple we knew) go to bat for us – all in the name of love. And then on a Thursday at 1 in the afternoon, in a room with walls covered in tapestries, in a 15th century City Hall, a very handsome civil servant married us. I’ll never forget it. We called no one in advance except a close friend in yet another country. Our families were shocked when we arrived home (in a good way) and we had a big party 2 months later. That was 17 years ago. It’s clearly different for everyone but I believe the path, whether short or long, is part of the really wonderful journey. ENJOY et bon chance.
I know exactly what you speak of. I think we are going towards the 1 year mark with no date, no idea of a date and no time to think about a date that doesn’t give me anxiety. I love him very much but I want to have a wedding that is pleasing to us and I couldn’t care less about what anyone thinks. As long as we are in love
Hahaha, I totally saw myself in the first sentences of your article as I… got married in Vegas… at a drive-in!
Our families were far from thrilled, but, some people have other priorities. We were starting a new life in the US, had businesses to build from the ground up, and didn’t really have money to spare.
Tomorrow we’ll celebrate 3 years of marriage (and 4 1/2 years together). There’s still no « real » celebration planned (I kinda told my family that there would be one some day, to prevent them from being totally mad at me) and I don’t think there will ever be.
My parents have been fiancés for the past… 35 years (?) so I never grew up with the idea that I would get married some day, never dreamt of the proposal, the dress.
We took the decision together and would not have it any other way.
Enjoy your « longues fiançailles », take your time.
xxx
– Chloe
http://consciousbychloe.com
So you’re doing it the French way, after all :)
haha ! Même chose par ici. J’ai même fait pire: j’ai accepté sa demande, à condition qu’on se marie non pas l’année suivante, mais celle d’après. Je savais que la précipitation ne me plairait pas (j’avais envie de profiter de la phase cool des fiançailles, sans avoir à me mettre tout de suite à chercher une robe ou une salle). Moralité, on va se marier à n+2, et ce sera très bien comme ça ! Comme tu le dis, ça m’a laissé le temps de m’y préparer, comme je n’étais pas une obsédée du mariage, il fallait au moins ça sinon je ne suis pas sure que notre couple aurait survécu aux préparatifs (ça aussi c’est toute une expérience, très bien résumé par une amie en « découvrir qu’on peut se hurler dessus sur des sujets dont on a littéralement rien à faire (et dont on aura plus rien à faire dans la « vraie vie »), et dont on ne reparlera plus jamais dès le mariage passé »
I love this so much. I found Laura’s post too really impactful as well. I think we live in time that we now get to define the way we want to something to be and I think it’s really empowering the way our views of marriage are shifting to reflect what is right for the individual. What an awesome way to look at it. Take all the time! As long as love and commitment are there then the rest is just choice! xo
http://www.beingskindeep.com
I agree with Archana. Marriage changes a relationship and often in unexpected ways. I think it’s naive to assume otherwise and not respectful of people who do get married to say it doesn’t change anything.
Marriage isn’t just about binding two people together, it’s about bringing two families together. My family and my husband’s family visit each other independently of us. Those relationships wouldn’t have had a chance to develop had they not spent time together at our wedding and been involved in planning. Families often need to witness a wedding to feel fulfilled and accept this new person into the fold. There are reasons why we have these traditions and they’re not always just about the two people getting married. I think it’s disappointing to every new couple to realize it’s not all about them.
That said I think it’s easy to get bogged down in planning the party, especially because there’s a certain amount of ego in projecting an image of yourselves to friends and family. The wedding ceremony is much more important. And there are lots of disappointments! You can’t escape them. Not everyone will be able to come, even super important people. The important thing is to get married, if that’s what you want to do. And if you don’t want to get married, don’t get married! But don’t knock it ’til you try it!
I agree with you and Arcana. Marriage DOES change things! My guy and I have been together for 37 years and married for almost 35. There were times I might have thrown in the towel if it were not for the bonds of marriage…the vows we took were like the glue that held us together, saying, « We’re going to weather this storm and find our way to sunshine again! » And we have. Ups/downs….LIFE! But yes, marriage did change us. Be sure. But also, don’t be afraid to risk it all for your relationship.
I see myself in this entire article. I have read it 4 times already and probably will keep reading it over and over again to connect with someone who is going through the exact.same.thing.
This is the mos honet post I ever read. I’ve been engaged for 2 years know and seen friends getting engaged and married through this time (they even turned into a competition who has the best house or the bisggest wedding). And I just started planing mine next october on our aniversary date. Waitting is the best decision we made, it gave os motivation to take risks . (we start our own business together!!) I even went thorugh the retunring the ring drama and as much as it hurted I’t made me realize we love each other no matter what. Every couple has their own timing…
I am sure I read about a study that found that the more time the bride spent planning the wedding and the more it cost, the likelier the couple was to divorce.
You seem to be one who follows your heart; let it tell you when.
So refreshing to read this! Every couple is different and should do exactly what is right for you both. I was always a marriage skeptic as well, but to my surprise I was ready to get married immediately after getting engaged. Ended up doing a small wedding 5 months later, in a location that was meaningful to us. I couldn’t believe how easy and fun it was to plan just want we wanted and not listen to any pressures from others. Being engaged and the whole process is truly a wonderful time and should be enjoyed for however long or as short you wish! Cheers to this happy time! xx
You are together & that’s what counts. You love each other, you have fun & laugh. Hopefully you, as I have, will continue to do so for many years to come.
A wedding is just one day & far too much emphasis is put on it, the big diamond, what flowers, the guest list & on & on.
Forget it, sneak off to city hall followed by a romantic weekend of picnics and stroll & bike rides at a fabulous country inn.
It’s a day for just you two?
Family & celebrations with friends can follow.
De manière inexplicable (après tout, ce n’est qu’un bout de papier), le mariage change une relation. Enfin, c’est ce que j’ai constaté pour moi et les couples de mon entourage (et pas toujours en positif). Mais peut-être est-ce parce que je ne suis pas passé par la case fiançailles ni aucun de mes amis ; en France,ça ne se fait plus beaucoup
ne serait-ce pas justement parce que ce n’est pas qu’un bout de papier que le mariage risque de changer une relation ?
I was engaged to a guy for three years, then we broke up. One year later I met another man, after one year I was pregnant. We married four months after birth. Now we are married for eleven years, we have two Boys and are very happy.
Every story is another story.
Acheter une belle maison me parait un super plan , faire une fête , mais raisonnable , en terme de fric ,
pour le mariage …
Bon faut il être raisonnable ? Ben quelquefois , c’est bien .
Mais l’idée du mariage … faut voir . C’est un coup de poker .
Jeune mariée je n’arrétais pas de dire » mon mari » ah le bonheur .
Après je me suis calmée , normal , il y a quand même des choses parfois difficiles à gérer dans la vie , et comme tout le monde on a eu notre lot .
Notre engagement a résisté .
Nous sommes toujours ensemble . Je l’appelle mon mec .
Bonne chance Garance
Longues fiançailles, mauvaises épousailles. La vie est courte autant la simplifier. Mariez vous simplement Avec Joie dans votre nouvelle maison. Avec autour de vous le noyau essentiel. Le reste c est Du bul’shit imposé par les magazines. Le rêve la puissance et la magie de ce jour seront dans le regard Que vous portez l un Sur l autre. Je vous souhaite le meilleur. Arrêtez de vous prendre la tête.
I think that this is why the City Hall wedding has gotten so popular. You can invite your parents to witness, so they won’t murder you for eloping without them, and then it’s quick and easy and you can either a) just go out to lunch afterward or b) throw a cute, casual little party for your friends and family that night.
The whole « wedding market » has just gotten overwhelming, to the point where when you stick « wedding’ in front of a white dress or mention « wedding » at a venue, the price triples. I definitely don’t blame you for waiting. Buy that house and car first.
I think that’s lovely – so why be engaged at all ? I mean what’s the point , really. It becomes almost a pretend promise – right? Just being a couple without expectations is much better , never boring .
Marriage is not only about finding the right person, it’s also about being the right person. Love and nurture, let it bloom rain or shine. XO
‘Marriage won’t take anything away and it won’t add anything to what you already have.’ Beautiful sentence and so true.
Lots of wisdom in your post – thank you.
I’ve been trading out photography for food with a SoCal Caterer (yes! you can feed the vegans and the omnivores!) for about 3 years…and the most inspirational events I’ve seen are 125 and under. At that point you can be anywhere — I MEAN ANYWHERE — and everyone fits ins a lovely convivial space. And — you can wear anything — full-on gown or lovely sexy slipdress. You can have fantastic food and full on cocktails too. And yes, weddings are expensive but as my Mom says… »There are plenty of ways to skin a cat » (terrible right?!)
For the rest of your friends…have a big party in NYC and another in LA and Corsica…
Of course – that will be challenging for you but be ruthless and anyone that is angry at just being invited to a party? You know what to do…and don’t sweat it for a minute!
xxxx J
PS – With that many people…you can get married in the center of a circle. Really ups your ability to feel the love –
Not exactly the same, but in the ballpark, can we talk about the ‘when are you going to have kids?’ question. I get that all the time and like this question of being engaged – it’s not cut and dry.
Garance, à mon avis, en ce moment tu dois écouter en boucle la « non demande en mariage » de Brassens !
Ma Mie de grâce ne mettons
Pas sous la gorge à Cupidon
Sa propre flèche….
Sais-tu que Brassens, se sachant très malade, a voulu épouser sa compagne pour la mettre à l’abri financièrement. Elle a refusé, au nom de leur amour.
Faut le faire à l’instinct ! Ou alors rester fiancés pendant des années, construire sa vie dans l’illusion de ce mariage, et être heureux comme ça.
Above all – make sure you enjoy this moment. Planning a wedding IS stressful, it can take over from the ‘happy in love’ carefree feeling right now. Do not let it!
Just enjoy, smile, stare constantly at your ring and ignore each and every ‘When?’ comment.
xo
The ceremony CHANGES things.. It brings a new energy, a new dynamic.. I cannot explain it, but it happened to us when we get married even after 4 years of living together and having a house already. And it’s totally worth the hassle
You are not alone. I was engaged for two years (with him four years before that!) and then had a semi-spontaneous courthouse wedding. I’ve been happily married for 10 years now. Nurture the relationship, whatever it looks like–that’s what matters.
It was lovely to read! All those pressures we have to face and so often it would be enough to listen more to our own inner voice than to all the outside voices. That being said – I just got engaged and we’re going to have a very short engagement, followed by a very low-key ceremony. And that is just perfect for us! There are so many unique factors that shaped our decision and we don’t feel the need to defend it. I can’t even begin to explain the joy that is making a decision that is just right for you. We all should be doing it more!
Too many people are focused on the wedding, not the marriage. When the giant, expensive party is over, you still have the girl or guy who (take your pick) … leaves dirty socks in the floor … doesn’t empty the dishwasher … forgets to buy groceries … and on and on. The important part is realizing that marriage, whether sanctioned by a civil or religious ceremony, is work. Also, it’s a partnership …and each of you will do things that annoy the hell out of the other person. And most importantly, each of you will do things that makes the other person think you hung the moon. Make it work or forget the whole thing.
We will be coming up on a year engaged in April and other than having gone to look at some venues and nixed them for the cost (this is Los Angeles, after all…) so I feel you. Everyone keeps asking, as if tossing a wedding together were the easiest thing in the world. We even got so overwhelmed by the cost that we got distracted and bought a house in Elysian Valley instead – once we started running numbers on the cost of a wedding, property seemed like a more reasonable expense. But here we are, and we still need to get married. Currently waffling between National Parks and a cocktail party. We shall see. Good luck!
Se marier, c’est poser ensemble un petit caillou blanc sur le chemin et pouvoir le regarder les jours de tempête…
Les fiançailles c’est pour soi et le mariage pour les autres, non? Et c’est quoi le plus important? ;-)
I love your post and until I got married, [when I was engaged and pregnant!] I didn’t think actually getting married would really change anything, it just seemed a nice, pricey excuse for a party……but it really does make a massive difference and it changes everything for the better, because you’ve said you’re sure about the love, and that you trust it, to your love, in front of some other people you love, and its really very different….xxx
I got married in cityhall within 4 months of knowing and dating my current husband. With no romantic proposal, no ring yet. We did that because of visa issue.
We were secretly married for almost a year, and then he got me the ring. We announced to family and friends « we’re engaged ».
Within 6 months of being « engaged », we did the wedding ceremony and reception. He doesn’t want to keep our married status a secret any longer.
By now we have known each other for 2 years and mostly married during the majority of that length of time.
I wish I had the long luxury of time of getting to know him, dating him, just being BF / GF, and long engagement, before having a wedding. I wish we took so much time to plan the wedding.
Take your time. Don’t rush. Enjoy each stage. Don’t allow yourself to feel pressured.
Le truc avec le mariage, c’est que c’est un engagement – certes – mais pas seulement. C’est pour beaucoup la mise en forme ou la matérialisation de l’ idée que chacun se fait du couple marié et du mariage, d’un lien socialement reconnu par le groupe…du coup on rejoue nos histoires familiales ou pas…Personnellement, je vis depuis 12 ans avec mon compagnon, nous avons une fille ensembles..Comme Caroline de Maigret j’aime l’idée qu’il puisse se dire qu’un jour je peux m’en aller, qu’il lui faut encore faire des efforts et inversement…Je considère le non-mariage ou le concubinage comme un garde-fou qui justement nous protège de la séparation…Cela dit dès qu’il y a des enfants, des histoires de patrimoines, c’est quand même bien de mettre tout ça sur papier en cas de pépin..
Je vous souhaite beaucoup de bonheur! Il n’y a que ça qui compte! La joie et la sérénité au quotidien, les gros fous rires, et une bonne dose d’amitié aussi en cas de coup dur…c’est ce qui est important! Tout le reste est accessoire..
Beautifully written and well said!
10 years and two amazing children later, I got the ring(!) and, to be honest, I have no idea when this wedding will happen! In our eyes, we’re already husband and wife… anything else is just a party and icing on the cake :)
I’ve always thought one thing about all those engagements that end with a big wedding I’ve seen in movies – what a joke! Maybe its because I’m from a former Soviet Union country and that simply isn’t the way we used to do things. Now days yes, men propose marriage and there is a ring with a stone and showing of the ring and blah blah blah. But that just isn’t me nor us. We have been together for 9 years and the talk of marriage has faded. Am I worried? No. I think if it ever comes up again, it would be a talk over morning coffee, a decision would be made and then a quick trip to what US refers to as « city hall » but we call it « Palace of Joy ». Done.
If you like to be engaged then be! No one but you two knows how things really are and when it’s going to happen.
Nous sommes en couple depuis 11 ans et fiancés depuis presque 7 ans ;)
Together for years and we got married only once our baby was born :) sometimes what happened to our parents, a story of divorce is looming so do it your way. ENJOY LIFE! ENJOY LOVE!
Aaah Garance! Je t’aime!
« Et savoir que le mariage qui suivra ne sera rien d’autre qu’une célébration de cet amour, qui existe déjà. Le mariage n’enlèvera rien, et ne créera rien qui n’est déjà là. »
Tout est dit…
Surprise ahead… marriage adds to it!
Like the engagement solidified your love and commitment, marriage will deepen it.
Hi Garance,if this is of any help!? I’ve been engaged with my partner for 12 years and it suits us just fine! We do everything a married couple would do together but we still haven’t ruled out that one day we might get married.Follow YOUR instincts….
C’est drôle comme tu résumes absolument ma pensée. Mon copain et moi, on est fiancés depuis septembre et on dirait que ça a changé plein de choses depuis. Nous qui étions comme une fleuve tranquille, maintenant c’est exactement le « Est-ce que je peux vraiment marier quelqu’un qui (situation du jour)?? » C’est rassurant de te lire. Merci!
Hello Garance,
comme d’habitude c’est toujours un réel plaisir de te lire, tellement que je t’ai citée dernièrement dans un de mes articles : https://groovyblackgyal.com/2017/02/05/mes-blogs-preferes/
Ne t’arrête jamais d’écrire, j’en serais trop triste !
Tu as bien raison ! Profitez ….On est restésotérique fiancés un an et demi avant le mariage et passés par tôt ça c était top. J ajouterai juste que le mariage ajouté quelque chose, je ne sais pas dire quoi mais il y a un truc merveilleux en plus qui reste. Bref un beau programme. No rush enJoy ?
While my fiance and I have set a date, by the time we get married (in September) we will have been engaged for more than two years. There’s really no reason to rush or slow down, it’s whatever happens naturally I feel. And I agree, being engaged is special, but I’m excited to be married as well.
https://bybreannamarie.com/
This was such a happy and serene post Garance. And it’s so good to hear your thoughts. We are always so worried about what people are going to say, and I am so happy to say that with getting older that feeling of always having to justify yourself slowly vanishes and you just don’t give two f*** :)
Four years ago I also fell madly in love with someone who is 15 years older (I’m 39) and I knew there was going to be a lot of rumours and talk, but I just didn’t care because I believed and felt the love we had. It always makes me cry, when my dad just said, that he is happy and just wants me to be happy, having heard and seen lots of crying of desperation and yelling over the phone and the drama in the past.
Haha I laughed when you said that you thought you were unique and original when you guys went through the moments of meaningful drama! I feel the same! Like: »noone has the love and the passion that we have! » :) But I just think people don’t talk about it, because it is a bit frowned upon. You can’t be adult and professional and then have these tantrums over heart-eyed emojies! Ha ha. Ahhh we’ve all been there. The important thing is to just love the person as they are, without conditions and never ever try to change them :)
I think that many of us are scared to think about marriage, we have many prejudices or bad examples that condition us. Love is a question of letting us go, without limits, without barriers and above all leaving the prejudices to one side. If you think that it is not yet time to get married, do not do it. But do not try to analyze love, how it should be, or how socially marked it is. Love as marriage is a thing of two, just the two of you. I was very skeptical about marriage, but now I can tell you that it was the best day of my life and I would repeat it again.
My husband asked me to marry him after 3 wonderful years of friendship.
Ten days later we married.
It was the happiest most uncomplicated day filled with great love from all our friends and family.
Marriage added a depth to our love that I simply cannot explain but it did.
Ohhh… I need to go and give him a big fat hug right now!
We were together for 6 years before I moved to France for him, and another 6 years before he proposed, and a year of engagement before we got married…and I really have to say marriage DOSE give you something else. At least for me it did. 16 years together now, and I’m so glad we’re finally married (and have a little family). I wish you nothing but happiness! Enjoy your engagement and enjoy your marriage even more xx
I am one of those who thinks « when you know, you know ». In your text we read a lot of doubts, fear (that I completely understand) and justifications. Even of getting engage is sweet and a tender moment in your couple’s life, it’s not the first reason you say yes right ?…When you go to a movie, it’s not for the commercials ah ah.
I got married in 5 months not to rush and be sure he won’t run away (my first fiance did…very brave right) but just because I wanted to say yes for all the things he proposed.
But you know what…be the wife you want as long as you both are happy it’s the right choise !
Chère Garance,
j’ai adoré de lire vos pensées sur le faite d’être fiancée, les doutes, les questions & le mariage ( quand, comment & où) . De mon côté j’étais fiancé pendant presque 5 ans & mariée à peine 1 an :-( bon j’ai survécu cette phase de ma vie ;-) et après ça j’ai vraiment commencé à vivre. Je suis tombée enceinte de mon meilleur ami ( qui est malheureusement décédé il y a 4 ans ) mais de notre amitié & amour est née une petite fille merveilleuse qui n’est malheureusement plus si petite ( 14 ans ). Même si depuis sa mort je suis toute seule, je sais au plus profond de moi qu’un jour je vais rencontrer à nouveau l’amour de ma vie & me remarier ou peut-être juste me fiancée :-). Life is a mystery but always keep in mind: The past is in your Head and the future is in your Hand. So enjoy your engagement as long as you can and the rest will follow when time is right !! Good luck.
Annick